Episode 16: T Boone Woos the Voters of California

[ThShifties]

A television commercial featuring the legendary billionaire addressing California voters to garner support for Proposition 10 on the November 2008 ballot. Pickens appears alone onscreen, with background music provided by the Sons of the Pioneers.

Chorus: To the tune of “We’re In The Jailhouse Now” by the Soggy Bottom Boys
We’re all wind guys now,
We’re the wind guys now,
It’s our new cash cow,
We’re the wind guys now.


T. Boone Pickens:
Howdy, this here’s your old buddy T. Boone, asking for your support on Proposition 10, up for vote in November of this very year. Believe me when I say it’s the best and surest way to get clean-energy, natural gas vehicles on our California highways. Thereby saving our planet, and the entire human race. Including you.

Pauses for chorus:
We love the natural gas,
We love the natural gas,
When oil is in the past,
We’ll still have natural gas


Pickens:
Now you may have heard rumors to the effect that I have a personal financial interest in the passage of this initiative, as evidenced by the fact that I do not even live in California. So what, say my critics, am I doin’ up to my privates in the State political process?

Rest assured that if you good folks find it in your hearts to pass this here Proposition, I pledge that I will spend no less than 1.5% of my personal time during calendar year 2010 within the borders of the Golden State. That does include my private jet circling overhead at some ten thousand feet. You have to give me some leeway.

Chorus:
We’re buyin’ up the water,
We’re buyin’ up the water,
So when the earth gets hotter,
We’ll sell you back the water.

Pickens:
You may also have heard that I am the sole financial backer of this estimable ballot measure. That is just a damn lie. My company, Clean Energy Fuels, and I have joined with Chesapeake Energy and also with the Perseus investment group to form what we call a ‘Coalition of the Willing.’ You know how well those work.

Chesapeake is the nation’s largest producer of natural gas. And Perseus, he was like a Greek god. It’s the first time I’ve had their support too, heh-heh.

Chorus:
We’d like to buy the Sun,
We’d like to buy the Sun,
Wouldn’t that be fun?
If we could own the Sun.

Pickens:
Now it is true that we plan to build and market a taxicab that runs on natural gas. You know how important taxis are to Southern California, right? Well, ours is called the ‘Standard’ and comes in yellow, orange, and baby blue. When complete, this taxicab will be for sale to private firms as well as state and municipal governments for only $25,000 apiece. Better still, it would have a range of an incredible 170 miles on a single tank of clean-burning natural gas fuel. Now that’ll get you almost across the city of Los Angeles, providin’ you don’t have to stop in traffic or nothin’. And don’t worry, our Coalition is building natural gas service stations all across the region. Each one with its own Wendy’s tacked onto its butt.

And we pledge that the price of that natural gas fuel burned in our vehicles will never – I repeat never – go over $3 per gallon. Unless we fail to meet our financial targets. Whispers Them Perseus people – well, they are in it for the money.

So I’m lookin’ forward to your cash – excuse me, I mean support – in November. Just remember we’re talkin’ about savin’ the planet here – hell, the solar system. And makin’ it worth my while to leave Texas, too.

Chorus:
We’re the gas guys now,
We’re the gas guys now,
It’s our new cash cow,
We’re the gas guys now.

Fades out.