Episode 7: T Boone's Senate Pals

[ThShifties]

Scene 1: an oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico. Three Republican Senators have arrived there by helicopter. They stand at the railing and admire the view.

Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky: Cast your eyes on that vast expanse of clean blue sea, people. Isn’t it be-yootiful?

Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska: It does take your breath away.

McConnell: And teeming with the irreplaceable wonders of nature.

Stevens: Yep. Gonna break my heart to have to rip it to pieces.

McConnell: It’s for the greater good, Theodore.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski of Alaska: nods enthusiastically Ending our dependence on foreign oil.

McConnell: Are you nuts?

Stevens: Lisa, honey, we just been over this.

Murkowski: You mean we’re still going to be dependent on the Arabs?

Stevens: Why do you think we went to Iraq? Terrorism? Weapons of mass destruction? Listen, if them heathen desert spiders didn’t have no oil, we wouldn’t have come within a thousand miles of that crapbucket.

We’ll leave Iraq when the spigot runs dry. And not a minute before.

Murkowski: Then why do we need to destroy protected wildlife areas?

McConnell: shakes his head The two best reasons I can think of. First, to stick it to the Democrats. We thought we had the rights to ANWR in ’05, and the bastards beat us back. This time we’ll get ‘em.

Murkowski: You said two reasons.

McConnell: Money from the oil companies, of course. How do you think we keep our butts in Congress? Turns to Stevens Wasn’t she at orientation week?

Murkowski: I missed the last day with a head cold.

McConnell: Ted, you could not have picked a worse time to get your ass indicted.

Stevens: Don’t I know it. Eighty-five years old, and now they want me to stop bein’ a crook?


Scene 2: T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire, is reading reports of the criminal indictments handed down by the Grand Jury against Senator Stevens.

Pickens: I cannot believe anybody can be that dumb. Even a wool hat from Alaska. Reads further

Jeezuz H. Christ. Do you realize they actually jacked up the bastard’s home and put on a whole new first floor for him? They think nobody would notice?

I wonder how come it don’t actually say bribery. They miss it?

Assistant: I understand that failure to disclose was easier to prove. With bribery, you have to show a clear quid pro quo.

Pickens: Hard to believe the Republicans are gonna prosecute one of their own just for crookedness. Hell, they let Gonzales go, didn’t they? Karl Rove would’ve shit in his hat about this.

Assistant: Maybe the Attorney General will screw it up somehow so he gets off in the end. Or President McCain can pardon him.

Pickens: I don’t know if I’d be countin’ on President McCain. He’s got a big mouth on him. Sooner or later he’ll stuff a brogan into it.

Assistant: Senator McConnell’s assistant tells me that if McCain loses, they’re seriously considering hiring a professional actor to run in 2012.

Pickens: Well, it worked with Reagan…