Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight --Onion

[Demeter]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53594/print/

CAMP SPRINGS, MD—Despite sprinting through the Andrews Air Force Base south terminal, President Bush narrowly missed his Air Force One flight to Boise earlier today after arriving just moments after the plane's doors had closed.

The 12-person crew was not able to accommodate the president due to strict federal guidelines requiring all passengers to arrive at their departure gate 15 minutes prior to takeoff—guidelines flight officials say are especially important considering heightened security around the president. When Bush inquired into the possibility of being placed on standby for Air Force Two, the exasperated commander in chief was informed that the flight was full and Vice President Dick Cheney was unwilling to give up his seat.

"I understand it's frustrating to miss a flight," said Air Force One Chief Boarding Coordinator Derek Morganson, who attended a special meeting with the president to discuss the government-funded airline's exchange policy. "But Mr. Bush has to understand that we are entrusted by the White House with a very important job, and we can't make exceptions for one person just because it suits his schedule. No airline would operate like that."


Bush, who describes himself as a "perpetual traveler" who had exclusively used Air Force One for both work and his frequent vacations, said he will begin looking into other carriers.

A ticket agent did eventually arrange an itinerary to get the president to Boise, first putting him on a shuttle flight aboard Marine One to Pittsburgh, where he will transfer to the cargo hold of a C-130 air transport delivering three Apache helicopters to Edwards Air Force Base in California, before riding with a military-supply-truck convoy to an undisclosed location in the Nevada desert, where he will then accompany test pilots from Fallon Naval Air Station to the Idaho border and pick up a rental car paid for by Air Force One.

"Not only did I miss my flight, but now I'm going to miss my connecting motorcade to the Idaho Capitol building," said Bush. "Yeah, I'll make the meeting, but I'll bever get there in time for my keynote address or the seafood brunch."

THERE'S MORE--HAD TO CUT SEVERELY

[Demit]

1. Ah, the Onion. Long may they wave. And skewer.

Their piece "Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Over" is forever burned in my brain.

[BeyondThePale]

2. I remember that piece...

I had it on my office door for months

[Lisa]

3. a pet crate in the cargo hold is better than he deserves! (n/t)