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INTRODUCING: Ask a Lobbyist (Horrifying, and fairly accurate!)

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MADem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Aug-26-06 11:24 PM
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INTRODUCING: Ask a Lobbyist (Horrifying, and fairly accurate!)
What does a lobbyist do, exactly?

So, back in the day, lobbyists were sleazebags that hung out in the lobby of the Willard (unsolicited advert: stiff pours, but pricey) to suck up to important people. Obviously, little other than the venue has changed.

Well, I take that back. Back in the day, the important people were Congress members. These days, as a lobbyist, I basically have to suck up to everyone, all the time. Its sort of like all those really Important Newspaper Articles about grade inflation at Ivy League schools like, all those poor little Ivy Leaguers egos wont take being told that they arent A students for the amount of money that theyre paying for school? Well, Legislative Assistants get paid shit money (though, notably, so do young lobbyists or anyone who works for the NRA) to serve their country/party, so, goddamnit, where are their fucking Wizards tickets and when are you paying for a 3-martini lunch at Oceanaire. Dont even get me started on Congress members.

And, by the way, theyll still tell you to go fuck yourself on a vote that you need, regardless of how many drinks/blowjobs you provide.

Um, wait, was there a question? Oh, right, what do I do? I email like Im still in college, leave voicemails like that desperate intern who didnt mean to sleep with you, get drunk, and pretend like I dont notice some Congressman is talking to my tits. Like, hello? No ears down there. Bert and Ernie dont care how you vote on H.R. Whogivesashit....

Much, much more Here!

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