Reply #6: I know how big defense spending is

[Newest Reality]

and I think it has a huge impact on where our tax dollars go and why so much of our national wealth is diverted from what is important to what is profitable.

Yet, when I see the numbers I think about my own life and where I am at. I have lived in a travel trailer now for almost three years. I work my ass off in my fifties as barter for a place to live and have to rely on food stamps in order to eat. I have no assets or investments or anything of value and no family to count on. My outcome is nothing but day-to-day survival and no security whatsoever with retirement being death. Being homeless is only a heartbeat away and I have to act and work every day with that in mind.

I am a Serf totally beholden now to the Lord of the land. However, that is something I need to cling to and cherish, no matter how it affects my state of mind and expectations and hopes, because I have a place to be and I desperately want to avoid being homeless. That's my only hope and dream and purpose now. Not much else matters. I have no paltry or trivial notions of grandiosity before me. No matter how tired I am or how depressed some days are, or how down and dismal and disappointing it all seems without a future or anything approaching what I once thought was fulfillment and important, I am still in a stable place for now.

At my current, low and devalued rate of needs, that one second of defense could enrich my life in ways that would probably seem meaningless to many people. I would be able to do something more than just work and worry and wonder how long I can manage a life of toil with no income or potential to deal with any new pitfall that might be looming before I die. It is like having a lot of teeth you need to fix without being able to afford the dental care you need. You start chewing on one side and smiling less. You might get some pulled and realize that you can't afford a bridge and dentures are way out of your reach, if you ever need them. You realize that health issues will only be complicated and worrisome, not matter what because having no money whatsoever will have a big impact on any illness and its outcome.

This is something that you never could have imagined ending up in at any point prior to it in your life. Yeah, it is very similar to many people who live like this around the world as a regular existence, so why complain? Well, I just wasn't prepared for it at all, no matter how broke I have been in the past. The idea of living like this much longer is not very compelling at all simply because, without any money at all, I have little choice and am very prone to whatever circumstances and moods might prevail around me. I have no power or real choice anymore other than to make myself cope and continue and not opt out.

Just one second could keep me going for a long time and might add some light to my now old, dark, meaningless life. I am not going to get it, as many others won't get anything either. Being expendable is the worst part of having gone through the whole American experience and paying your dues, and getting the final proclamation on your value and relevance in the end. It makes you glad that nothing lasts forever, or this would truly be Hell.