Reply #12: Again, I'm so sorry.

[MineralMan]

I will say this. My ex-wife had a father who was irascible and abusive. He was an alcoholic. After my ex-wife's mom died, I told her that her father, despite his bad showing as a parent, was still her father, and that he'd die someday. She was already experiencing a lot of guilt about her mother, another alcoholic, who had been part of the whole thing.

I said to her that if she didn't make a heartfelt attempt to make some sort of reasonable relationship with her father, she'd have a terrible time with the guilt she'd feel when he did die.

Not too long after that, our marriage ended...on decent terms...but it ended. I moved on, as did she. About three years later, her father's alcoholism caught up with him and his liver began to fail. She had done what I suggested, and had formed a reasonably polite relationship with him. As he approached death, that relationship let her provide some support for him in his final illness.

After he died, I attended the funeral. I had, after all, been his son-in-law for 14 years. At the funeral, my ex-wife, with whom I'd maintained a polite relationship, told me that I had been absolutely right. Her father, forced to stop drinking, had made amends with her for his failure as a parent, and his last months were spent building a new, final relationship with her. She was grateful that she had been part of that, and was grateful to me for my advice.

If your father is truly dying, don't be stopped by an answering machine. Call again. Then call again. Try to establish some sort of relationship with him. You may be surprised. It may benefit both of you. I'm not saying it will work. It may not. But, if it does, you'll be glad you make the effort, I guarantee.