A Matter of Choice

[NanceGreggs]

I’ve decided to become gay. My life has been pretty boring lately and – since it is a matter of choice – I’m choosing to be a lesbian from here on in. I think it will really spice up my life.

It’ll be so much fun! I can start worrying about discrimination on the job because of my sexual orientation, losing friends who I thought loved me for myself when they find out I’m not like them – and, with any luck, I can get thrown out of a church or two when the word gets around.

I just know I’m going to enjoy being harassed, called names, and being the punchline of incredibly tasteless jokes. Add in the humiliation I’ll be subjected to and – well, it just doesn’t get any funner than that.

I think that’s why so many people choose the homosexual lifestyle these days – just a bunch of folks looking to live the lighter side of discrimination, a chance to get in there and be treated like a scourge on society. No doubt it has its moments of hilarity – like being a leper.

You know, I distinctly recall the day I decided to be straight – remember it like it was yesterday. I looked at males and females and thought, “Well, which way am I going to go here?” I decided on being attracted to males – but now I’m thinking maybe it wasn’t the right choice.

Maybe I should have given it more thought before plunging into a lifetime of societal acceptability, able to live as blatantly an immoral and adulterous life as I wanted to – and still be deemed as totally upright and God-fearing, because at least I wasn’t one of them.

After all, this is a decision most of us make when we’re very young – before we’ve weighed all the options of being completely accepted by society and being treated as second-class citizens. You can see how we might not choose as wisely as we might.

What’s really unfortunate is that we, as a nation, do not celebrate the day individuals make their choice, as surely it is a momentous occasion for each of us. In fact, I’d like to know the day people like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Rick Warren made their decision to be straight, so we can all mark our calendars and celebrate along with them – and, given their prominence, perhaps treat their Day of Choice like a national holiday, complete with parties, costumes and parades! (Okay, maybe not parades.)

I’m particularly looking forward to the legal battles that lay ahead.

I mean, honestly, who wouldn’t choose to be in a position where they have to fight continually for the same rights their fellow citizens are afforded without question?

Who wouldn’t choose to live their every waking hour concerned about not being able to visit their life’s partner in a hospital, or not being able to adopt a child without jumping through bureaucratic hoops that straight people never have to concern themselves with?

And then, of course, there’s the inescapable lure and intrigue of The Gay Agenda. I’ve always wanted to know what that agenda actually is, and now I’ll be a part of it! (I think it has something to do with turning everybody gay – but I’m not going to second-guess anything until I receive my first Official Memo on the topic.)

So this is why I’ve chosen to be gay. If it doesn’t turn out well, I’ll just choose to be straight again. Or maybe I'll just choose to be a hypocritical bigot, 'cause there's a group that accepts anybody, no credentials - other than being a complete asshole - required.

God, you’ve got to love a country where such things are a matter of choice, and we all get to choose being afforded equal rights and protection under its laws – or not!