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Breaking News: Dick Cheney shatters the world record for the 100 meter dash [View All]

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mtnsnake Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Feb-27-07 09:24 AM
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Breaking News: Dick Cheney shatters the world record for the 100 meter dash
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shaving more than 3 seconds off Justin Gatlin's previous record.

The AP is reporting that Cheney ran the 100 meters in 6 seconds flat after a bomb exploded a few miles away from the military base in Afghanistan where Cheney had been holed up for the night. As Cheney bolted from his bed to his plane after being awoken by the loud boom, witnesses said they heard him screaming, "Get me the fuck off of this base and outta here. RIGHT NOW!!!%@!!"

Cheney's dash to his plane was inadvertently timed when a guard, one who just happened to be taking some videos of wild Afghan chipmunks in the vicinity, caught the entire incident on tape. Measurements were then made from Cheney's bed to his plane, and the actual distance was 100.8 meters, confirming that Cheney had indeed set a new record.

One soldier said the vice president's dash created a blazing streak of light similar to that made by Chevy Chase when he zipped down that icy hill on his greased saucer in "Christmas Vacation".

Another witness who witnessed Cheney's record-setting dash said the vice president left a gaping hole measuring 4 feet in diameter in a concrete security wall that stood between Cheney's room and his plane.

Congratulations, Dick! You're the fastest man in the world!!

mtnsnake
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