Reply #173: For two years

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I lived on roughly $300 a month, plus food stamps and fuel assistance. My unemployment had run out and I finally applied for the disability I should have applied for long before, but couldn't afford to do.

Thank the stars I had a friend who owned the house and has let me live rent free. I lost the use of my car for almost a year because I couldn't afford to have it fixed. I ran out of gas several times when I did have it working, and thank goodness I had AAA to help on that score.

As for luxuries, I really had none. An older TV, an older computer that I could work on myself, my satellite dish, for which I paid $50 a month, and my telephone, which provided me my DSL at a substantial discount as well.

That was it, folks. All of it. My mom sent me the $300 and when I finally got EAEDC in Massachusetts, she stopped sending me the $300, because that's what the state was paying me. The only good thing was that I had Masshealth. I was able to get to the doctor for treatment, and with my medical history, it's a good thing, too. Diabetic, with a history of heart attacks and CAD, depressive disorder and fibromyalgia, I needed it. When I left California, I had NO MEDICAL COVERAGE for five fucking years. I had to be my own doctor, pretty much, and when I had the heart attacks, I had to rely on the ER.

When I finally got my disability approved, and I got my back pay benefits, I spent it. I bought things. I went on a couple of trips. I entertained my friends. I wanted to save to buy a house, but it never happened. My credit was so sucky that I couldn't get pre-approved for a house loan, and with the monthly fixed income, I guess I wasn't a good prospect, anyhow.

Poverty? Yeah, I have been there, and I'm still there. I left SoCal because they raised my rent at the apartments--where I'd been for 12 years--from $850 to $1100, for a SINGLE bedroom piece of shit. But trying to move was worse--two months in advance most of the time, plus a security equal to another month's rent.

It's impossible for most people to live like that--or like this, let's fact it. A little over 14K a year is supposed to keep me alive, but thank goodness it's only me. My dad made no more than $24K in any given year of his life, and often worked two jobs just to make that. But rents were lower then, and houses were cheaper, and food was affordable. And my mom worked too. We didn't live any extravagant lifestyle, but a family of six--two adults and four kids--made what we had needed. Never owned a house--could never get a downpayment. A new car was out of the question--used only, and thankfully we had friends who worked on cars to save a little on mechanical work. No prestigious schools--public schools all the way. The only "vacation" was to go to my grandparents in Nova Scotia where we were able to go without an major expenses for two months a year.

Poverty can be perceived in so many different ways. I once accused a fundie I knew of never knowing what true poverty was, and she tried to counter it by saying when she and her husband first were married, they had to live in a dirty apartment. Her father is a doctor, and she an only child, so guess what? She had no idea.

But it really doesn't matter. We were happy kids. A trip to McDonalds was a joy--a trip to a Dairy Queen was divine. We lived in the streets of Boston and Brookline, and had imaginations, innocence and no idea of what it was like to have more than what we had. So when I had money a few times in my life, I spent it. Some scolded me and say I should have saved it. Saved it? For what? To a poor person, money in the bank isn't security, it's potentialities waiting to happen. It's that new book you want to buy or a video you can't wait to see, or a slightly nicer monitor than the 15" one you have had for five years which is getting darker and more blurry every day. It's the essence of "what ifs" that are just waiting out there.

I don't think I could ever have a lot of money, because money in and of itself means nothing to me. It's simply a means to an end, and if I can't have that "end" it probably wasn't very important anyhow.