Reply #39: I just wanted you to know that you're not alone...

[CoffeeCat]

I was the oldest girl in my family and also the family scapegoat. I completely understand all of the pain that comes from being in that position, and I am so sorry about your childhood. You didn't deserve it!

I'm sorry you had trouble sleeping last night. I also had a difficult time, and I also had nightmares. I didn't even watch the entire show. I just pulled up clips from ABC's Web site. It's very difficult to see those images on-screen. It's almost like watching yourself. I felt that powerless feeling, all over again. I also felt rage. When you witness what abusers do--as an adult--it is so infuriating to see it.

My therapist told me that the scapegoat is always the most "emotionally honest" child in the family. They do not hide their feelings and they often fight back. Other siblings take on much less-explosive roles--and they seem to adapt better. In the long run though--the scapegoat is the most likely to be out of denial and seek therapy.

We're fighters. Don't ever forget it. We were placed in the scapegoat role because we were a threat. Because we were strong. And they were afraid of it. They looked at us and saw strength and goodness that they new they would never have. It's not our fault. I grew up thinking that I was bad, stupid, at fault, a troublemaker, too sensitive--and the list goes on. The truth is--they were attempting to extinguish the light in me. My other siblings didn't fight back. They went along.

I don't know about you, bust most of my siblings are pretty messed up inside. I've chosen to seek therapy and to continue being "emotionally honest." I'm actually proud that I was the scapegoat. I saw so much of my mother in that abusive mother. Did it help you to see that jealousy fueled the "Prime Time" mom's rage and abuse? I see now that it was all about jealousy and her own inadequacies--which were sparked by my positive points.

We can't let them beat us down. What happened to us...is not about us. It's about their failures and mental illness.

Obviously you were a very astute child. You told a teacher. You spoke out. How amazing--after all of that, you knew it was wrong and you tried to reach out. I'm sorry you didn't get help then. It sounds like you are getting it for yourself now. I'm glad you have a brother who is getting help as well. At least you have a sibling who can validate your feelings.

I just wanted to let you know--from one scapegoat to another--that you've got guts and heart. You survived. You were strong then, and you're strong now. We had rotten childhood, but we have the power and the tenacity to heal and thrive.

I'm hurting a bit today too--and I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm proud of you for being the most "emotionally honest" child in your family.

:) :hug: