Found! Super-secret 2006 GOP Message Memo!

[Skinner]

MEMORANDUM

To:    Ken Mehlman, RNC Chairman
From:  Marlon Daniels, Republican Message Committee
Re:    2006 Slogans
Date:  March 15, 2006

Your 3/10 attack against the Democrats from the Southern Republican Leadership Conference has been very well received. As expected, the media gave broad play to your key sound bite, "Not only can they not settle on an agenda, they can't even agree on a slogan," and repeated the examples we provided to support the charge. By the way, you were right: No one bothered to point out that we also lack a slogan for 2006.

Per your request, here are the slogans currently under consideration by the message committee, by topic.

ABORTION

Just think of how safe the country will be when all the rapists move to South Dakota.

DOMESTIC SPYING

You weren't using the Bill of Rights anyway.

Vote for us, and we promise not to tap your phone.

ECONOMY/JOBS

You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you donate canned goods to hungry people? It's kinda like that, except instead of "canned goods" think "your job," and instead of "hungry people" think "Chinese people in sweatshops."

You always dreamed of an early retirement. And now you've got it.

Sick of your kids borrowing money from you? Vote Republican, and let us borrow from your kids.

MORAL VALUES

At least gay people can't get married. That's gotta be worth something.

Want some church with your state?

Voting Democrat makes the baby Jesus cry.

NATIONAL SECURITY

Like the Iraq War? You'll love the Iran War!

Who needs port security when you've got God on your side?

GOVERNMENT REFORM

Don't like what's happening to our country? Remember that the Democrats control all the branches of government except three.

We've still got a whole bunch of elected officials who aren't indicted.

We will not rest until Natalee Holloway is found.