Reply #19: Today is Thanksgiving. It is also Ian's birthday.

[demwing]

I'm not having a good day. I read a thread on DU about how someone had "the worst Thanksgiving ever" because their cat died. I'm angry, because I want to jump on the thread and scream

"MY SON DIED!! It's Thanksgiving, and my Ian's birthday, but he's not here because HE'S DEAD. Fuck your cat, I lost my son. He should be here to get presents today and eat turkey, but he can't, and never will, again."

Mine is the worst Thanksgiving, because I can't share it with my son, and because he can't enjoy another year of life, and ALSO because I hate myself for feeling so fucking selfish that I can't allow someone else to feel grief.

I want the grief to be mine, and I want them to grieve for Ian. I am NOT generous.

And so the first birthday without Ian, and the first Thanksgiving without Ian, simultaneously pass. I don't feel like I've healed. I just feel older.