Reply #19: ...thinkin about joining but.....

[chknltl]

...there sure are a lot of folks here! (chknltl tried to make a funny!)












Hmmmm, maybe I should start a recluse group.....











but that would make me an oxymoran* now wouldn't it.












Note the lack of a '?' at the end of that last sentence. This infers that it was rhetorical or...












.......that I was just talking to myself!












I do that quite often in the DU,












.....talk to myself.












Not complaining mind you,












I've noted that lotsa DUers do this!-(Talk to themselves that is.)












Some even take it personal.... but I don't.












Wanna know why I am not bothered by this?












Yep you guessed it-I'm a contented loner too!


OK I'm in. :hi:

So the question is regarding my happiness.
I've never thought about that one, upon reflection I've been both happy and unhappy regarding my self imposed exile. I've been through an angst that I am not like everyone else but after I hit 50, I've come to cherish this type of life, a life apart from everyone else. I can't imagine the life of a 'normal' social person, (if there is such a person), I simply can't see myself around folks on anything resembling a regular basis. I spend less than an hour each day in the company of exactly one select friend and that's pretty much it!

I am from a family of 9, the eldest child, both parents recently deceased. I rarely visit my friends and visit my relatives less often than that! I don't hate people, I just don't have any urgent need to 'hang out' with anyone. I am single and I fully intend to stay that way!

For a period of time, I enjoyed photography as a hobby. In order to better myself in my hobby I undertook the task of learning how to photograph people. (A daunting task for a reclusive loner-as you might imagine!) At first I sucked at it, both technically and mentally. Posing folks meant interacting with them and my social skills, (more accurately my lack of social skills), really made for challenging sessions.

Then I discovered band photography, it was chknltl hatching out of an egg! I did not at first have to pose folks, all I had to do was capture them onstage doing their own thing. I learned that it was best if the band basically ignored my presence altogether! So for a little over a decade, I could be all alone in a crowd and yes, I was VERY happy to be like that. I did a thread about this for the DU Photography forum: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=280&topic_id=31221

I developed a fake persona: that 'band photographer guy'. As that person, (who truly was not me), I was able to better interact with folks and eventually able to pose small groups of people in order to get the shot's that I was requested to make. I became well known within the local music business, everyone wanted me to be at their 'gigs' and then at their after-hours parties. I almost always managed to find ways to stay away from those parties but on the few I was forced to go to I was able to hide behind my cameras.

It was strange, having people regularly coming up to me and chatting away about this or that band and doing so as if we were close chums.... and yet quite often, I had no clue who they were! I got in the habit when strangers came up to me of apologising for my poor memory, after soooo many bands how could I possibly remember everyone I had met and btw your face looks familiar but which band were you in again????

I was perfectly happy in my fake persona! I rarely let any of these folks into my life. There was perhaps two bands, (maybe three) who were ever allowed to visit me at my home and even then the visit was less than an hour and rarely more than once in a week! My home was then and still is my fortress! I prefer it that way! No, I'm not being selfish-that's the last thing the few folks who know me would say about me!

I was happy with my fake persona because it allowed me to go out and learn as much about people photography as I cared to and it exposed me to some very talented artists. I cherish their art in the form of their CDs to this day but I do so alone. It would be alien for me to listen to their music with someone else-I'd likely just loan out the CD and ask them to get back to me about it later.

I eventually drifted away from my hobby, my life has gone back to blissful quietness again.

I have a theory about folks such as you and I, folks who call ourselves loners: I believe that the souls which reside within each of us are spending this particular life 'resting'. You see, I believe in reincarnation-that each of us has a soul which has lived and will live again many many times. I believe that for us, our adventures are behind us, that we are just here tidying up some loose ends before moving on to...well...I ain't too sure about that part. (I'm pretty sure I was never Edgar Cayce so I am not about to predict my own future, much less yours if that's OK with you).

So the question is am I happy? Meh.... I suppose I am happy enough, content would be more accurate. I can assure you that I would be a lot less than happy if you were to visit-don't take it personal, it's me not you!





*'oxymoran'-that was deliberate as well...if you need to ask: welcome to the Democratic Underground :toast: