Reply #3: A bit of the truth from a mentally ill, die hard, curmudgeon

[HereSince1628]

Each of us acts on our own. It's wrong to say that 'someone else made us do it.'

Certainly we follow our own propensities for high likelihood transitions in emotional and cognitive space in response to stimuli in our environments. But those state transition probabilities are unique to the person they belong to..."THE ME."

We mentally ill often live as if we expect others to dance around our 'buttons' in support of our personal dance around our buttons.

But those buttons are part of "US," the dance is a solo.

Your mil putting pain-killers in her mouth was HER behavior.

Your Husband feeling bad about writing something to her is HIS emotion.

YOU don't OWN either of those behaviors, although it is clear that you feel the grief of both.

I understand. It's hard to see suffering in people that you care for.

BUT,

YOU don't have an obligation to fix either one of them. You may be able to help them see for themselves the paths to help that their current emotional states prevent them from finding alone.

There's nothing wrong with feeling empathy for your MIL or for your husband's sense of guilt.

There is nothing wrong with desiring to help both of them find a place that's less painful.

But there ARE limits to what you really can achieve. Don't expect too much of yourself. Be fair to yourself.

I'm borderline, the intimates in my life have walked on eggshells around me until they just can't stand it anymore. I crush relationships because my 'buttons' go off no matter how hard the people around me try to avoid them.

In my intimates most innocent and vulnerable moments I can go emotionally ballistic and make them feel as if they are complete and utter failures.

YET,it's me. It's NOT them.

So, my experience says, it's your MIL...not your husband.
It's his sense of guilt...not yours.

Understanding isn't the same as taking on someone elses burden. Understanding is an awareness that informs choices.

In the world of mental illness, choices usually require much much more information than simple awareness.

If you want to help, look for a place to get information--a NAMI chapter near you--or some other support group for family members.

Remember, you can lead a willing horse, but even a willing horse has got to walk on its own.

In the process of helping, no matter how strongly you feel, you've just got to accept that we mentally ill must get up and do the walking ourselves. No amount of beating yourself up will replace that.

I wish you patience and down the road the happier times you deserve.