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Reply #51: Exactly - sounds very similar to my own "liberal" knuckledragger [View All]

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Triana Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-02-07 12:59 AM
Response to Reply #43
51. Exactly - sounds very similar to my own "liberal" knuckledragger
Edited on Tue Jan-02-07 01:27 AM by Triana
ESPECIALLY this part:

"as long as i accepted the fact that i was inferior to him... and then accepted the blame for the lousy relationship ON THE GROUNDS that i was inferior to him."

He TOLD the couples counsellor that in HIS opinion all our relationship issues (which were primarily caused by his fear and insecurity which manifested in the relationship as a disregard of me as a human being and subsequent verbal and emotional abuse) were MY fault. He used to say "well, there's a GOOD reason I blame you for everything - because everything IS all YOUR fault!" I'm sure that's a familiar song and dance, no?

This guy considers himself "liberal" - voted for Democrats most of the time. But - a 'feminist' or any supporter of women or women's rights - NOPE. That he was NOT. He had an angry streak in him where women were concerned and was bent on controlling (and judging whether valid or not) their every action, reaction, and emotion. He was angry. He was controlling. He was insecure -- and that's why he was angry and controlling.

I read something on Dr. Irene's site about guys who like to tell the woman they're abusing "You're oversensitive!" - her suggested response is: "Yes. That's right. RESPECT it."

DON'T make excuses or explain to them why you're upset or blah blah - or try to get them to understand. That only validates their assertion (which is usually a projection of their own anger or fear or insecurity onto you). They don't NEED to understand why you're upset or "oversensitive" - because you're NOT. They need to address their OWN anger and insecurity and stop projecting it onto - and taking it out on - someone else - that's what they need to do.

The Verbal Abuse book, (which Dr. Irene recommends also) says the same thing. It's easier said than done though, when someone is hurling "you're imagining things!", "You're insecure!", "You're oversensitive!", "You're lazy!" insults at you. It requires a great deal of self-assuredness - and NOT allowing someone else to degrade YOUR opinion or image of yourself by hurling their own personal crap at you. Crap they don't want to deal with directly - but it comes out SOMEWHERE - always - and it happens to be coming out on you. Don't believe anything they tell you about yourself (because they're really talking about THEMSELVES). Only believe what YOU tell you about yourself. And don't let anyone change that. Except YOU -- if YOU think it needs to change.

I STILL think every woman out there (and most men) ought to have a copy of that Verbal Abuse book!
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