Florida Legislature gives CEOs medieval right of primae noctis

[SteppingRazor]

In its latest move to make Florida a totally business-friendly environment, the Florida Legislature passed a bill proposed by Gov. Rick Scott that would grant the right of primae noctis to any CEO who moves his business to the state. Primae noctis, the right allegedly enjoyed by feudal lords that granted them the legal authority to sleep with a bride before she married her chosen husband, has been out of fashion for at least a thousand years, if it ever existed at all. But after a late-night viewing of Braveheart, in which the likely apocryphal lordly privilege figures heavily, the governor decided it would be a fantastic way to attract business to Florida.

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Democrats raised some objections to the new legislation. “Look, we’re not necessarily against offering up our virgin youth to the bosom of our corporate overlords,” explained state House Minority Leader Ron Saunders immediately after the bill’s passage. “We just want to make sure we’ve exhausted all the other options first. That’s all we’re saying. We’re as corporate-friendly as the next party.”

The Republican supermajority then passed a bill that both outlawed socialism and legally declared Rep. Ron Saunders (D-Key West) a socialist. He was removed from the house chamber in handcuffs and is assumed to be held in a privatized supermax prison somewhere outside Tallahassee.

At the later press conference with Gov. Scott, the state’s executive leader expressed optimism that the new bill would create jobs in Florida. “This is just the kind of robust jobs bill this state needs to attract business to Florida,” the governor stated. “Now, let’s get to work.”

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