Everybody Just calm Down!

[NanceGreggs]

Everybody Just Calm Down!
By Nancy Greggs

I realize that things are looking pretty rough here at home, as well as all over the world. But let’s keep focused on our Fearless Leader et al, and take heart.

Contrary to what you may have heard, the War in Iraq has been over for years now. Didn’t you see the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner? It was in all the newspapers and all over the TV. Besides, Rumsfeld assured us all in the very early stages that combat would last a matter of months, if not weeks. HE would never lie.

The cost of the war to American taxpayers has been zilch. Paul Wolfowitz was very straightforward in his statement that, “This war will pay for itself.” You’re not going to question HIS honesty, are you?

Thanks to the invasion of Iraq, US citizens can now rest easy in the knowledge that there are no longer any WMDS in that country, nor mobile chemical labs, drones that can deliver chemical weapons in forty-five minutes, etc. The fact that they were never there in the first place is nit-picking.

Joblessness is not a problem here in the United States. People who have used up their unemployment insurance benefits are not counted as ‘unemployed’, which means they all must have found really good jobs by now.

The victims of Katrina have apparently all returned to their newly-renovated homes, thanks to the president’s assurance following the catastrophe that the government would step up to the plate and rebuild.

The current problems in the Middle East are nothing to be concerned about. Perhaps you have forgotten Bush’s “Roadmap to Peace”, which he promised would set all parties on the path to cooperation and reconciliation. I know it looks like they’re planning to blow each other off the face of the earth; it’s just that they’ve hit a couple of potholes along the way.

Global warming is not a big deal. Now that the economy is on such a roll, all Americans can afford to crank their air-conditioning up another notch.

The exorbitant price of gas is a Godsend for the poor and middle-class. People in the lower income brackets who traditionally take road trips for their summer vacations can now brag that they’re taking much more EXPENSIVE vacations than they did in the past.

As we have been assured just recently, we can all be ‘strategically optimistic’ about how things are going in Iraq. If it wasn’t for the damned librul media refusing to air the thousands of hours of video footage of schools being built, hospitals being refurbished, and happy Iraqis going off to their well-paying jobs, everyone would see that firsthand.

There is no shortage of electricity in Baghdad. The lights and air-conditioners in the Green Zone run twenty-four/seven, so there’s your proof.

Don’t be fooled by all the rumors about how Diebold is stealing elections. Everyone knows that machines cannot steal elections – only people who program machines can steal elections – DUH!

Ken Lay was an honest man and a true friend. The only reason he took the 5th, on the grounds that his answers may tend to incriminate him, was so the REAL guilty parties wouldn’t feel so alone.

And speaking of true friends, Dick Cheney only shot HIS friend in the face because Whittington was a down-on-his-luck lawyer who really needed the publicity.

The rising national debt is ONLY a number – just like the number of casualties in Iraq, the number of uninsured Americans, the number of citizens who have fallen below the poverty level during Bush’s presidency, and the number of jobs that have been outsourced. If more Americans would STOP subscribing to Al Gore’s system of fuzzy math, they would understand how meaningless numbers can be in the great scheme of things.

Too many nay-sayers suggest that Bush is out of touch with reality. Well, he’s not, because he hears the voices of God and Jesus on a regular basis, and they have assured him their voices are real.

The president is a man of his word, who once said that if anyone in his office was guilty of outing Valerie Plame, they would be fired immediately. Now that Bob Novak has named Rove as a source, he is clearing out his office even as we speak.

Bush, Rumsfeld, Gonzales and Cheney are all good Christians. That’s why they NEVER allow any waterboarding of prisoners to be done on Sunday.

Halliburton has submitted over a billion dollars in questionable billings since their no-bid contract to deliver services to troops in Iraq began. As soon as their bookkeeper has time to go through all of the shoeboxes full of receipts he keeps under his bed, I’m sure everything will be easily explained.

The president took a lot of flack for not heeding the August 6th memo about Bin Laden being determined to strike in the United States. It just so happens that he never received that memo until September 12th, because it was sent via the internetz and got clogged up in the tubes.

So there, America. Oh ye of little faith.

Everything is going just peachy-keen!!!



Edited to Add: This is my 4000th post - just hoped to share a little levity to mark the occasion.