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Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present Tim Vine. [View All]

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Kutjara Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-15-08 10:42 PM
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Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present Tim Vine.
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To bring a little humor to a dull Sunday night, here is my little tribute to Tim Vine. He's a British stand-up comedian, best known for his superfast delivery of some of the most awful puns ever constructed. Love him or hate him, you have to admire someone who held the Guinness World Record for telling most jokes in an hour (499). Here is a small sample of his work (drawn from his Wikipedia entry_:

* Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".
* I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
* I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".
* The other day someone left a piece of clay in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
* Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?
* When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
* So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"
* Velcro, what a rip-off...
* I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his heart out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory"
* I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one
* You invented White-Out... Correct me if I'm wrong
* Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran.. Even-he's-a-witch
* I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?"
* A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
* I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel
* I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
* Did you know if a stick insect lays it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?
* I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Ok, where is he?"
* So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
* So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
* So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
* I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking 'Pour You'
* Advent Calenders, Their days are numbered.
* I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: 'War and Peace, 3/10'
* I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: 'see that there....made by a bible.'
* I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: ' if your referring to the thing bit of card you put in book to remember where you are..................no.'
* So this bloke came up to me and said 'I've just dropped my scrabble set on the pavement'. I said 'Really? What's the word on the street?'
* If you have an islamic dog. Muzzl'im
* I went to a Party dressed as Sodium Chloride. Someone threw Hydrochloric Acid over me. I didn't know how to react.
* Atleast its comfortable on Eurostar. It's murder on the Orient Express
* I went to the doctor and said "that tastes of apples, that taste of pears, and that tastes of strawberries. He said "you've got fruit gums"
* I went down my local Gym. I said "Mr Nasium"
* I said "can you teach me how to do the splits?". He said "how flexible are you?". I said "I can't make tuesdays"
* I went down my local video store. I said "can I take out the elephant man?". He said he's not your type. I said "can I have Batman Forever?". He said you have to bring it back tomorrow. I said what about another 48 hours. He said tomorrow.
* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
* But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.
* I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy
* You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
* So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
* So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
* So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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