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Sapphocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-06-04 04:17 AM
Original message
Psssst! Peek into my server logs!
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I love my server logs. My server logs tell me that even people in Saudi Arabia find something amusing about my Web site. My server logs also tell me that far too many people are screwing around on the Web when they're supposed to be working. My server logs also tell me that several scary-sounding government agencies like to check up on my site once in a while (or else, they're screwing around while they should be working -- only on your taxpayer dime).

My server logs don't identify individual visitors to my site -- which is a good thing, since A) I believe in personal privacy, and B) I don't want to know if Charles Manson is a fan of mine.

The main thing my server logs tell me is stuff like what other sites are referring visitors to my site, and how popular each page on my site is. This information helps me make my site better. (Are people missing a particular page I want them to see? Should I make a link more prominent? Should I ditch an entire section nobody ever reads?)

What I enjoy about my server logs is the list of search-engine queries that refer people to my site. I'm happy to report that my site ranks in the Google top ten for lots of specific queries, and does quite well in Yahoo and AOL Search, too. My site contains lots of esoteric information, so it makes me very happy to know that someone desperately searching for, say, "social groups for crossdressing bisexual saxophone players" has found what s/he's looking for.

But sometimes, even I am surprised at how people get to my site, based on search-engine queries such as these -- which are are quite real, I assure you, culled from the server logs between January 1 and February 5, 2004:

byu aversion therapy
No thanks -- I already have an aversion to BYU.

why do undertakers place a white sheet over a mirror if there is a coffin in a house
Because they don't want the deceased to know how bad he looks.

Could I really be a lesbian?
Yes, you could! Let me share some success stories -- at no cost or obligation to you!

catholic ideas of hell
Parochial school, for starters.

coaching lesbian
You can do it! Come on, put your heart into it! Atta girl!

military "secret message"
Here it is: There never were any WMD!

Drag Queen makeover software
They make software for this? Cool!

gay dating terminology
Pretty much the same as straight dating terminology; e.g., "Pick you up at eight" ... "Thanks for a nice evening" ...

did paul mccartney die in a car wreck

manson is paul from the wonder years
Charlie or Marilyn?

"George, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"
Laura, I told you he's not here. Now, take your meds and get some sleep.

"John lennon" "burial place"
Try the top of Yoko's television.

nude patch dead or alive
I don't even want to know what this means.

are you full of yourself? pictures
I could be, but they haven't invented a camera that will take pictures of my ego yet.

the real tinkerbell
Tomorrow, on the E! True Hollywood Story!

pictures that make your eyes go funny
Have you been to the member gallery at FreeRepublic?

quirky things you should do each day
Check the door to make sure it's locked 15 times every hour.

gay your e-mail
A fine idea, but I'd really rather lesbian my e-mail.

how to have funny entertainment
As opposed to all that depressing entertainment?

"Hollywood heterosexualized Jessica Savitch"
Yeah, but at least Hollywood didn't drive her off a bridge to her death.

Embarrassing gay and lesbians
Liberace and Rosie O'Donnell. I can't think of any other embarrassing ones.

Reasons for migration from germany to America
How about: You love war, and hate homos?

find out if you're gay
Done and done -- like, when I was in utero.

perverted chick tracts
Yeah, those born-again hens sure do leave some weird crap around, don't they?

really really really funny pictures and more that you don't have to download
Oh, I'm sorry -- I only have really really funny pictures.

haircut of homosexuals in the 19th century
They ALL look gay to me.

quizzes that tell you what you will destroy the world with
George, I told you to stop visiting my site. Now go back to bed.

"gay men in love with women"
I'll take "Closet Heterosexuals" for $200, Alex.

Tickle Bell?

Thanks for putting THAT picture in my head for the rest of the night.

I want to look at some pictures of people which I can write to and to be friends with them
You want to be friends with the people, or their pictures?

UFO sexual orientation
All aliens are gay! All of them!

fair sex genitalia
You mean people use different genitalia for unfair sex?

funny picture of a man with really big arms

funny protestant pictures

funny stuff to hang in your cubicle
My ex-boss. That was pretty funny.

straight people invade gay bars
Can you blame them?

tell me about yourself
Well, I'm 5'2", with long, wavy-- hey, waitaminute, it's none of your freaking business!

the invention of heterosexuality
I think it was invented about nine months before the first baby was born.

queer spread
I like the transgender plum preserves best myself.

words to let one know you love them
Try "I love you" for starters.

yahweh bisexual
Alex, I'll take "Subject Lines Guaranteed to Cause a Flame War on DU" for $400, please.

"my gay world"
No, damn you, it's MY gay world! You just live in it!

19-year crossdresser
Well, I'll ask around, but I'm not sure I know any.

20-year crossdresser
What, you weren't satisfied with the 19-year crossdresser I found for you?

do it yourself love objects
"Subject Lines Guaranteed to Get Your Lounge Thread Locked" for $600, Alex.

pictures of nosy people
Here's one:

Finally, this one makes perfect sense to me -- do you know what it refers to (no Googling, people!)?

beatles 2317438
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