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The wit and wisdom of Dorothy Parker [View All]

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begin_within Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-17-07 11:20 AM
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The wit and wisdom of Dorothy Parker
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Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) was an American writer, critic, and wit; a member of the famed Algonquin Round Table; a writer for New Yorker magazine; an early television personality; and a wonderfully sharp-tongued observer of the human condition.

The New Yorker was launched in 1925 by Harold Ross on a very tight budget. The magazine's finances were so bad that even the simplest equipment was in short supply. One day, Editor Harold Ross complained to Dorothy for being late on a story assignment. Her reply? "Someone else was using the pencil."

While on her honeymoon, Dorothy Parker was interrupted by her New Yorker editor Harold Ross, who was asking after a late book review. "Too fucking busy," Parker replied, "and vice versa."

At a party, an arrogant young man told Parker, as he looked around the room at the guests, "I'm afraid I simply cannot bear fools." "How odd," Parker replied. "Your mother could, apparently."

For her review of a novel by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, Parker wrote "This is not a book to be cast aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force."

Parker was not fond of Clare Boothe Luce. A friend tried to convince her of Luce's qualities, telling her that for instance, Luce is "very kind to her inferiors." "Oh?" Parker replied. "Where does she find them?"

Feeling lonely, Parker painted a single word on her office door: "Men"

Quotes from Dorothy Parker:

• I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

• Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

• I know that there are things that never have been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon.

• You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

• Women and elephants never forget.

• I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.

• Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

• Four be the things I'd have been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

• A girl's best friend is her mutter.

• I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

• Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

• Salary is no object; I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.

• Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

• The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'

• The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

• The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires.

• Now, look, baby, 'Union' is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.

• It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard.

• All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

• Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

• Scratch a lover, and find a foe.

• Men don't like nobility in woman. Not any men. I suppose it is because the men like to have the copyrights on nobility-- if there is going to be anything like that in a relationship.

• That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say "No" in any of them.

• People are more fun than anybody.

• I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.

• I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

• You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

• Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.

• The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.

• Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

• She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

• The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

• If all the young ladies who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.

• As only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night.

• Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, may be prolonged to that point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.

• Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.

• Summer makes me drowsy.
Autumn makes me sing.
Winter's pretty lousy,
But I hate Spring.

• Resumι
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

• He (Robert Benchley) and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.

• Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.

• The pure and worthy Mrs. Stowe
Is one we all are proud to know
As mother, wife, and authoress --
Thank God, I am content with less!
(about Harriet Beecher Stowe)

• That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
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