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Cheswick2.0 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-01-03 07:58 PM
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23. thank you all
I would like to thank you for all you different perspectives. I am starting to feel less angry. I am starting to feel sad and worried instead.

Let me share a little story.

After my first son was born (I was 23) I started having S-Ventricular Tachycardia. At first it only happened once every few years. Then after a few years they became more freq.

It was in the 1980s and the doctors then attributed the attacks to stress. Now we do Ablations (I had the procedure about 18 months ago) and realize that many people have this condition because they have too many nerve endings in their heart. We realize that those extra nerve endings respond to caffeine, cold medicine, normal adrenaline fluxuations, chemical smells...all kinds of things. We no longer tell people "it is all in their head".

But it 1986, when I was in a lousy marriage with an abusive husband, and isolated from my family, all my dreams, ambitions and talents dispised and resented, toxic in-laws..... having doctors tell me I was crazy was the last thing I needed.

I had plenty of reasons to be crazy, but I knew that the attacks were as likely to happen when I was humming along and cleaning the bathroom as when I was stressed or upset.

So I developed agoraphobia. It had me for several months and I was so ashamed, but mostly I was terrified. My younger son was not yet in Kindergarten and my older was in 2nd grade. I was so depressed. All I thought about was killing myself. The fear was unbearable. I was afraid to sit down, to stand back up or to look out the window. (funny, but as soon as they recorded the bad heart rhythm on a monitor, my panic and agoraphobia disapeared)

I wondered how I could kill myself without getting found and saved, yet not so early in the day that my four year old would be in danger. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk his safety.

When I think of it now, I have no doubt my older son would have followed me 6-10 years later. I am grateful that something stopped me. I spent years digging myself out of that hole and did it all the while other people were shoveling the dirt back on top of me as fast as they could.

I think this is where my resentment comes from, and I know it is judgemental.... but damn, just once I would like someone in my life to be tougher than I am.

You have all helped me work on that feeling of resentment and I am gratified and informed by your responses.
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