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JHB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 05:57 AM
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An "editorial" comment from Across the Pond
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A British acquaintance posted this to a hobby mailing list that I'm on. I'm not sure if it's his work or a reposting of someone else's, but it sounds like the Brits are feeling the war strain too:


Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by
the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that
you are required to place yourself on standby for
possible compulsory military service in the Afghan

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle
East where you will join any Infantry Battalion still
intact after the 'peace dividend'.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy, and BA's
inability to process our baggage, it will be necessary
for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM
Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount
on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are
strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Personnel with prior sand time may wish to note that
vouchers for meals can still be redeemed.

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in
recent years it will be necessary for you to provide
yourself with the following equipment as soon as

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800
Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like
you to buy a tank or something summery with a turret.
(Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all
new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration
Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available
whilst stocks last). If your unit has BOWMAN, please
bring it, as we haven't.

We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely
event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free
burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next
of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension
of GB1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but
subject to means testing, and fully repayable should
our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training
before your departure and so we advise that you hire
videos of the following films and try and pick up a
few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try
reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke.
This should give you some idea of what may be

Yours faithfully,

John 'Oh *, not Health' Reid
Secretary of State for Defence.


< :-)>

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