Reply #11: My shot at the "good answer"

[Selwynn]

"Feminism" is not trying to say "walk it off, solider" or "real women don't cry!" or "quit being a baby."

There is a difference between understanding and "owning" the fact that you were indeed the victim of something and never being able to return to normal life because you are paralyzed by the hurt and brokenness of your victimization.

There is a difference between understanding and acknowledging that you WERE a victim of something and constantly re-living that over and over again - the problem is with a kind of fractured self that cannot ever experience healing and move beyond the events of victimization.

The point that many feminist make is that it is appropriate to acknowledge that someone else hurt you. But ultimately that's not enough to heal the pain. At some point you have to be able to say, "yes, someone else hurt me, this shouldn't have happened to me, I was wronged, this is not fair -- BUT there's nothing I can do to change that now, and ultimately I am the only one who can do anything to heal my scars, fix my wounds and restore my life. Even though what happened was not my fault, I have to "own" the responsibility to reclaim my life, to heal wounds, to take back what was stripped away from me, to mend brokenness."

There is a difference between understanding that a person was a victim and being paralyzed and unable to live a healthy happy life because of being trapped in a "victim mentality."

Feminism isn't saying "shut up and get over it." It's saying (though it doesn't speak with one single unified voice) "own it, overcome it, survive it, defeat it, rise above it - heal, recover what was lost, reclaim your self-identity rather than let your past victimization consume you. Part of "owning and overcoming" it would certainly include a healthy remembering of it without having to re-live it.

EDIT to add: in other words, its not trying to tell you to deny that you were hurt or wronged, its trying to empower a person to reclaim back a healthy sense of personal identity, selfhood, empowerment, and control.