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top10 ADMIN Donating Member (155 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-29-09 11:16 PM
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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 361
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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 361

March 30, 2009
The Republican Road To Nowhere Edition

I was starting to get a little nervous this week. The conservative idiots have been quiet - almost too quiet. But I needn't have worried. It turns out they were just saving up for one great big burst of idiocy before the weekend. House Republicans (1) have got a surefire plan for success, along with Michael Steele (2) and Bobby Jindal (3). Elsewhere, John McCain (5) was apparently just joking about his vice-presidential pick last year, and George W. Bush (9) is a big hit with the WWE. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

House Republicans lame photo-opping fiscal irresponsibility

Last week the House Republican leadership finally took the incredibly obvious bait that President Obama has been dangling in front of their faces and announced that HARUMPH! YES WE HAVE AN ECONOMIC PLAN ACTUALLY SO THERE!

Indeed they do, and it's a whole 19 pages long (including the very nice cover page). Oh, but don't worry - more details are coming this week. I can hardly wait.

The GOP plan may be short on specifics but it contains some very interesting graphics, like this one:

Which, if you think about it, makes about as much sense as:





MSNBC's First Read gives us the brutal truth about the GOP's alternative budget rollout: It could barely have been more pathetic.

Let's be honest: Yesterday's House Republican budget rollout was a P.R. disaster for the GOP. "Here it is, Mr. President" was the title of the GOP Leader blog touting that they had answered Obama's dare to produce a budget. The problem -- their budget rollout didn't contain any hard budget numbers or deficit projections. They say those hard numbers will come out next week. But now we learn that Reps. Eric Cantor and Paul Ryan objected to unveiling yesterday's "blueprint," but were overruled by Reps. John Boehner and Mike Pence. But bigger than any internal disagreements or any criticism about a lack of details is the fact that yesterday's GOP non-announcement moved the attention away from the Obama-vs.-congressional Democrat storyline to the GOP's lack of a budget. In fact, after yesterday, the White House and congressional Democrats can agree on one thing: The GOP -- at least until next week -- is the "Party of No." What's more, it puts more pressure on Ryan to truly put out a comprehensive budget alternative; Also, this episode could end up creating a rift in the GOP over how to combat the Obama White House. After all, Senate Republicans wanted nothing to do with an alternative, and now Mitch McConnell, et al are either laughing at their House GOP colleagues, furious at them, or both.

Or in other words: Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and fail. Not bad for an afternoon's work.

Michael Steele batshit crazy massive ego excessive spin

House Republican leaders aren't the only ones with a plan - step forward Michael Steele, who has a plan so very cunning that it almost seems like it's not really a plan at all. Steele sat down for an interview with CNN's Don Lemon last week, and according to the Huffington Post (they also have video):

Later, he was asked to look back at his tiff with Limbaugh, in which he claimed that the bombastic radio personality was "incendiary" and "ugly" only to backtrack on his words.

It looked embarrassing for the Maryland Republican at the time. But Steele contended that it was all a part of a grand "strategic" plan.

"I'm very introspective about things. I'm a cause-and-effect kind of guy. So if I do something, there's a reason for it... It may look like a mistake, a gaffe. There is a rationale, there is a logic behind it," he said. "I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest. I want to know who says they're with me but really isn't."

"It helps me understand my position on the chess board. It helps me understand, where, you know, the enemy camp is and where those who are inside the tent are," Steele added. "It's all strategic."

Hmm, I think I may have spotted the fatal flaw in Steele's grand strategy: The poor guy thinks he's playing chess.

Here's what he's really playing:

No, don't pull that stick Michael! You'll...

Oh dear.

Bobby Jindal dumb

You almost have to feel sorry for Bobby Jindal. After throughly embarrassing himself during the Republican rebuttal to Barack Obama's speech to Congress (see Idiots 359), Jindal was forced to go up against the prez again last week - sort of.

The Louisiana governor was headlining an NRCC fundraiser in Washington DC at around the same time President Obama was giving his prime time press conference, and he brought them some good news - the GOP is back, baby! According to Roll Call (via MSNBC), "An energetic Jindal told 1,200 partisans that Republicans are finished 'navel gazing' on the direction of their party and must be prepared to rebound."

In case you were wondering what that's going to look like, I'm guessing something like this:

Sarah Palin circular firing squad

Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal's arch-rival Sarah Palin is carving out her own path to 2012 - unfortunately it's starting to look like one of those extreme skiing videos where the guy trips at the top of the mountain and then plummets all the way to the bottom.

The most recent bump in the road came last week when Salon reported that "Sarah Palin really doesn't like many of the people who staffed John McCain's presidential campaign last year, and the feeling seems to be mutual."

In a speech she gave to the Alaska GOP last week, Palin told the story of the lead-up to her debate with Joe Biden, saying, "So I'm looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra. And the McCain campaign, love 'em, you know, they're a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray."

Why, those godless bastards! Of course, this didn't go down to well with McCain's former staffers...

Some of the campaign aides -- ones who traveled with her and worked directly with her, not those who were in closer contact with McCain -- were offended when they heard of this remark, they told CNN.

"This set off a nerve for sure with a lot of people," one unnamed former staffer said. "It's yet another example of the few staff still loyal to Palin questioning their loyalty and ardent defense of her over the several months since the campaign."

So for those of you keeping track, the current state of play in the GOP's internecine warfare is as follows: they're now kicking each other in the ass over who did or didn't pray before last year's vice presidential debate.

Don't worry though, I expect it won't be long before Michael Steele tells us that this is all deliberate.

John McCain circular firing squad hypocrisy

While we're on the subject of Sarah Palin, John McCain appeared on Meet The Press last week, and according to the Huffington Post:

Sen. John McCain isn't committing to supporting his vice presidential pick, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, if she runs for president in 2012.

McCain - the GOP's presidential nominee last year - says he wants to see who the other candidates are and what the situation might be.

Okay senator, let me just get this straight - the woman you wanted to put a heartbeat away from the presidency in the middle of two wars, general global instability, and the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, is not automatically your first choice for president in 2012?

In other words, she might not be up to the job of running the country in four years time, but if you had won the election and then kicked the bucket during your first term, she would have been your number one choice to run the country now?

Are you completely off your rocker, McCain?

Joe The Plumber screwing the poor

Uh oh! Joe The Plumber (whom, it has already been mentioned, is not called Joe and is not a real plumber) was back in the news again last week when it was revealed that he has been "enlisted by groups opposed to the Employee Free Choice Act to campaign at a number of Pennsylvania rallies," according to The Plum Line.

The Plumbers Union is pissed - and rightfully so - that this slapheaded celebrity non-plumber is waltzing into town to do the anti-union forces' dirty work. And last week the AFL-CIO got in on the action. Spokesman Eddie Vale said, "This perfectly illustrates what is happening on the ground in the states. Millions of actual workers are making their voices heard in support of the Employee Free Choice Act. On the other side the business front groups are relegated to trying to gin up faux grassroots support - and possibly even needing to pay people to do it."

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the so-called "Americans for Prosperity" anti-EFCA group earned her paycheck by telling The Plum Line that, "The public loves Joe the Plumber. They see him as a role model." For real.

Joe, FYI... when you overheard those friendly gentlemen in the suits who gave you that nice check talking about a "useful tool," they weren't referring to a rubber strap wrench.

Mike Huckabee dumb anti-choice

The man who almost stole the GOP show in 2008, Mike Huckabee, made an appearance in Missouri last week. According to a report by the Associated Press:

Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee likened abortion to slavery in a Monday speech during a fundraiser for an anti-abortion group.

Word has it that you could see confusion in the eyes of the crowd as they turned to one another and whispered, "Wait... I thought abortion was supposed to be a bad thing?"

Fred Thompson loser

Right behind Mike Huckabee on the losers list comes the reanimated corpse of Fred Thompson. Wait, I'm sorry - I'm being told that Fred Thompson is not dead. Jeez, that guy really needs a better make-up artist.

Anyway, ol' Fred joined Rush Limbaugh and friends aboard the Failwagon last week, declaring that "I want (Obama's) policies that I believe take us in the wrong direction to fail." Attaboy, Fred! Who needs the economy anyway?

It's okay though because Fred has generously offered to help President Obama out, provided that he abandons his policies and does exactly what Fred wants him to.

Thompson, who made the rising cost of entitlement spending a focus of his 2008 presidential run, said he'd be happy to help Obama overhaul those programs.

"If he wants to do that, I will join with him. I'll do everything I can to make him succeed with regard to that because that's the whole ball game in terms of our fiscal future in this country," said the former Tennessee senator.

When asked for comment the White House responded, "Fred who?"

George W. Bush shocked, shocked I tell you loser

Can you believe that just 69 short days ago, George W. Bush was president of the United States? Seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it, that Mission Accomplished Boy was running around torturing people and tearing up the Constitution. Ah, those were the days.

But while George W. Bush may be gone, he is not quite yet forgotten. According to Think Progress:

Peter Rugg, a blogger for The Pitch, a local Kansas City arts and entertainment newspaper, wrote yesterday about his experience the previous evening attending WWE's Monday Night Raw. Rugg noted that during the show, "there were two touching tributes to the military men and women serving in the Middle East," one of which came from former President Bush.

Can you guess what happened next? According to Rugg:

The mere sight of Bush elicited thunderous boos - even more jeering than the maniacal (WWE Wrestler) Randy Orton, who dropped Triple H's wife, Stephanie, on her head and kissed her while a handcuffed Triple H could only watch. Then Orton hit him with a sledgehammer. I'm going to repeat that again, just to be clear: To wrestling fans, George W. Bush is worse than a sledgehammer molester.

Not just to wrestling fans, Mr. Rugg. Not just to wrestling fans.

Ron Fournier partisanship Obama hating excessive spin batshit crazy

And finally: As they slog through the political wilderness, conservatives are desperate for deliverance. All we need - they keep telling themselves - is just one meme so awesome, so powerful, that it will make the American people realize how wrong they are about us... and bring down the Democratic Party for ever!!!

Unfortunately the best they've come up with so far is 1) making silly allegations that the president is not really an American citizen, 2) using the word "socialist" a lot without actually knowing what it means, and 3) trying to dangle their balls in our mouths (I'm not kidding).

But don't get too confident folks - the wingnuts could be onto a real winner with a new smear that's been doing the rounds lately. I know what you're thinking - given that the combination of William Ayers and Rev. Wright along with a widespread "he's a Muslim" email campaign could not stop Barack Obama from winning the presidency last year, this has got to be a real humdinger, right? Oh, trust me, it is.

Did you know that Barack Obama...

...uses a teleprompter?

It's shocking, I know, but apparently when he needs to read a statement, Obama sometimes uses one of these newfangled devices that project words onto a screen, rather than rely on trusty pieces of paper like a real president would. It almost has a hint of witchcraft about it, don't you think?

It seems that the conservative grassroots are attempting to push the teleprompter meme as a means to prove that Obama may not actually be black Superman after all, but just a dude who occasionally has to read stuff in public. Which, I'm sure you'll agree, is a scandal likely to bring down his presidency at any moment.

It's such a great meme that even very important people in the clearly-not-liberal media - like Karl Rove's good buddy Ron Fournier, the Associated Press's Washington bureau chief - are buying in. Here's all the news that Fournier thought was fit to print after Obama's press conference last week:

Analysis: Teleprompter telegraphs Obama caution

What kind of politician brings a teleprompter to a news conference?

A careful one.

President Barack Obama took no chances in his second prime-time news conference, reading a prepared statement in which he took both sides of the AIG bonus brouhaha and asked an anxious nation for its patience.

OMGcanyoubelieveit?!?!?! Obama read a prepared statement from a teleprompter. Surely this has never been done before in the history of politics!

It was a carefully modulated statement, and Obama - relying on a familiar crutch - read it off a flat-screen monitor perched at the back of the East Room.

And then went on to smoothly answer questions on a whole range of issues - obviously without a teleprompter - for another hour.

One of the few times he summoned raw emotion came after a reporter demanded to know why it took him so long to express outrage over the AIG executive bonuses.

"It took a couple of days because I like to know what I'm talking about before I speak."

Even better, he likes to have it up on the teleprompter.


And... fizzle.

Coming next week - did you know that President Obama signs documents with his left hand? Impeachment now!

The Top 10 will return on Monday April 13. See you then!

-- EarlG
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