The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 354

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 354

October 6, 2008
Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Edition

This week, Sarah Palin (1,2) grabs the spotlight while John McCain (4) cuts and runs. Elsewhere, Pat Robertson (5) sees the future, and Darrell Issa (10) has the hots for Reagan. Don't forget the key!



Sarah Palin

Well hi! So nice to be here! Gosh darn it, what a lovely podium! Hey, can I call you Joe? And can I call you Gwen? So nice to meetcha both. And all of you watchin' at home. There was some good college basketball today, I'm gonna show you highlights plus tell you all about that next so stay right there.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes. Tonight I'll be repeatin' the stuff they told me to say about John McCain's plan for the next four years and explainin' why my executive experience makes me just perfect to be the second most powerful person in the world. America, tonight I'm not gonna pass out or vomit on my shoes, which is the first and most important criteria for this very important job. Did I mention I come from Alaska? (wink)

Okay, here goes! Let's talk economy. You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, "How are you feelin' about the economy?"

If they say "Darn it, I can't pay for gosh darn gas to fill up my darn gas tank," then you know that you're talkin' to a real Joe Sixpack or hockey mom, even if you're at a soccer game. So what we need is less taxes and more changes and we kinda need more mavericks in government, a team of mavericks like John McCain and myself, so we can have less taxes and more changes and better economy. (wink)

Now I understand that the American people wanna hear specifics. But hold on there one darn second. I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you wanna hear, Joe, but I'm gonna talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also, doggone it. So let's talk about education. America needs to be puttin' a lot more focus on that and our schools have got to be really ramped up in terms of the funding that they are deservin'. Here's a shout-out to all the third graders! Don't worry about the teachers, their reward will be in heaven. Unless they're gay teachers, in which case they'll be burnin' in the flamin' pits of hell. (wink)

But I also wanna clarify, if there's any kinda suggestion at all from my answer that I would be anythin' but tolerant of adults in America choosin' their partners, choosin' relationships that they deem best for themselves, ya know, choosin' ta be the gay, I am tolerant and I have a very diverse family and group of friends and even within that group you would see some who may not agree with me on this issue, some very dear friends who don't agree with me on this issue. In fact, some of my best friends are going to hell!

Let's talk energy. Tillerson at Exxon and Mulva at ConocoPhillips, bless their hearts, they're doin' what they need to do, as corporate CEOs, but they're not my biggest fans, because what I had to do up there in Alaska was to break up a monopoly up there and say, ya know, the people are gonna come first and we're gonna make sure that we have value given to the people of Alaska with those resources. So let's open up Alaska to more oil drillin' and drill baby drill! That'll teach those gosh darn big oil CEOs a thing or two.

You might be worried that all that drillin' might be bad for the environment. Now, I'm not one to attribute every activity of man to the changes in the climate. There is somethin' to be said also for man's activities, but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet. (wink) But there are real changes goin' on in our climate. And I don't wanna argue about the causes. What I wanna argue about is, how are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts? I guess what I'm sayin' is, let's not worry about what's causin' all these problems with the climate, let's just fix the gosh darn thing.

So how long have I been at this, like five weeks? Let me tell ya I've spent much of those five weeks wonderin' if the vice president has enough power, to be honest. I think the answer is heck no! I mean, Dick Cheney is cool and all, but the foundin' fathers were very wise there in allowin' through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And perhaps Dick Cheney's problem was that he just wasn't flexible enough. For example, I plan to have a seat for my husband Todd, and perhaps a parkin' space for his snow machine, right there in the Oval Office. Er, I mean the vice president's office! (wink) Because family is so important.

Um, okay... let's see here... Iraq. Say it ain't so, Joe, your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq. Zing! And as for who coined that central war on terror being in Iraq, it was the Gen. Petraeus and al Qaeda, both leaders there and it's probably the only thing that they're ever gonna agree on, but that it was a central war on terror is in Iraq. You don't have to believe me or John McCain on that. I would believe Petraeus and the leader of al Qaeda. Whoever that is. And I think there's a fundamental difference between Joe and myself here, which is that he thinks the policies of the Bush administration have been an abject failure, and I do not.

So to sum up, I like being able to answer these tough questions without the filter, even, of the mainstream media kinda tellin' viewers what they've just heard. We're tired of politics as usual. And that's why, with all due respect, I do respect your years in the U.S. Senate, Joe, but gosh darn it I think Americans are cravin' somethin' new and different and that new energy and that new commitment that's going to come with reform. And if there's one thing that says new and different and new energy and new commitment and reform, it's "President John McCain." You betcha!

Good night! (wink)



Sarah Palin

In other Palin-related news...

Sarah released her tax returns last week, which reveal that rather than being a down-home, struggling, regular family, the Palins "had a gross income of nearly $170,000" in 2007. They are worth around $1.2 million. One curious discrepancy - the Palins apparently did not pay tax on the $60,000 in travel expenses that Sarah charged to the state while living at home. Nice work if you can get it.

Meanwhile, Sarah campaigned in Texas last week, where...

She said it has been a star-studded day for her. "In Dallas, I ran into Roger Starbach." After two beats, and apparently someone coaching from behind, she said assuredly, "I said Staubach."

Apparently Palin is serious in her effort to throw Texas to the Democrats. Earlier in the day, she referred to it as "Alaska's little sister state."

Finally, Palin was in pitbull mode (zzzzzz) last week, going after Barack Obama for occasionally crossing paths with former-60s-radical-now-reformed-college-professor Bill Ayers. If you weren't sure what John McCain meant when he said that he pledged to run a respectful campaign, here it is:

Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on Saturday accused Democrat Barack Obama of "palling around with terrorists" because of an old association with a former '60s radical, stepping up an effort to portray Obama as unacceptable to American voters.

Palin's reference was to Bill Ayers, one of the founders of the group the Weather Underground. Its members took credit for bombings, including nonfatal explosions at the Pentagon and U.S. Capitol, during the Vietnam War era. Obama, who was a child when the group was active, served on a charity board with Ayers several years ago and has denounced his radical views and activities.

Yes, while more than 80% of Americans think the country is heading in the wrong direction and are looking desperately for solutions, the McCain campaign is busy attacking Obama for vaguely knowing some guy who did some stupid shit forty years ago, when Obama was eight years old.

And yes, that's really all they've got left.



The McCain Campaign

After last week's Web ad fiasco, in which the McCain campaign released this ad hours before the first presidential debate took place:


... you'd think they'd be a bit more careful. But this is the McCain campaign we're talking about here. The day after the vice-presidential debate last week, they released this ad:


Yes, you can take it from "Famous Person" - Palin nailed it!

The famous person in question was actually Peggy Noonan, but it seems the McCain campaign couldn't be bothered to confirm that fact before releasing the ad.



John McCain

At the first presidential debate, John McCain had the gall to suggest that Barack Obama doesn't know the difference between a tactic and a strategy. Oh really, John? Because I'd say Obama's campaign strategy is comfortably kicking your pathetic string of tactics all over the place. Last week's national pollgasm indicates that McCain has an increasingly rocky road ahead of him, and his campaign jalopy is already running with three flat tires and a busted rear axle.

Meanwhile...

With polls showing Barack Obama building a strong lead in Michigan, aides to John McCain's campaign said Thursday that they were pulling their television ads in the state and moving their resources to Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Maine.

The decision was another sign of McCain's weakening position amid the nation's economic turbulence, and it came as a surprise even to Michigan's Republican Party chairman who was notified in a morning phone call.

For much of the summer, McCain's advisers listed Michigan and its 17 electoral votes as one of their top targets for expanding the map beyond the states won by President Bush in 2004. But the McCain campaign's hopes of picking up blue-collar voters in the struggling industrial state appear to be fading.

Given his recent campaign suspension-non-suspension shenanigans, the Obama campaign is wisely treating McCain's announcement with a grain of salt. But even if this is a ploy, it shows how desperate McCain is. If he's been reduced to a plan that causes important Michigan Republicans to say things like, "I don't know what McCain was thinking. He's a general who left the battlefield in the middle of the fight. I'm disappointed in his behavior; he's thrown a lot of good Republican candidates under the bus," then he's really in trouble. And I mean http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20081005/pl_politico/23115">really in trouble...

Al Ribeiro, until now McCain's Michigan state director, had the unenviable task of sending out an email to Republicans in the state explaining as delicately as possible why they were pulling out.

"With 30 days before the election, the campaign must decide where it can best utilize its limited resources with the goal of winning nationally and ensuring John McCain is our next President,' Ribiero explained in an message Saturday, adding that McCain hadn't given up on the state and urging activists to keep working.

One county chair wasn't buying -- and he let Ribiero and a large list of other Michigan Republicans know in a scalding email reply.

"If you are going to end visits to the state by McCain/ Palin, do it," urged Jack Waldvogel, Chairman of the Emmet County GOP in a message obtained by Politico. "Just don't formally announce that you are 'pulling out' of Michigan, and then come back two days later asking the base core of support to 'keep working.' What a slap in the face to all the thousands of people who have been energized by the addition of Sarah Palin to the ticket. I've been involved in County Party politics and organization for 40 years, and this is the biggest dumbass stunt I have ever seen."

Waldvogel added later in the message: "He has given up on our State? What a total and complete crock of crap. Again, I think McCain owes the Republicans and the People of Michigan a HUGE APOLOGY. SOON!"

But it's okay - McCain has found an excuse for his collapsing poll numbers.

Asked why Obama has been rising as the Wall Street crisis has dominated attention, McCain said with a chuckle on Fox News Channel: "Because life isn't fair."

Yes, John may be a multi-millionaire with a dozen houses and even more cars, but when it comes to running for president, life just isn't fair. Never mind the fact that his choice for VP has only enhanced his reputation as a crazy crap-shooting maniac. Never mind the fact that he keeps spouting nonsense like, "the fundamentals of our economy are strong." Never mind the fact that his ground game appears to be invisible. Barack Obama is winning because "life isn't fair."

Excuse me while I wipe away the world's tiniest teardrop.



Pat Robertson

Breaking news! Pat Robertson has received a message from God. According to the Virginian-Pilot:

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson is urging prayer before Election Day to stave off an imminent Middle Eastern war he said could bring nuclear attacks on the United States.

In a letter on his Web site, www.patrobertson.com, Robertson said his opinion was that Israel would bomb Iranian nuclear sites between Nov. 4 and the inauguration of the United States' new president.

(snip)

In the letter, Robertson said that "what is clear is this: The Israeli strike against Iran will be the trigger. From then on, dramatic events will follow in quick succession."

"It all will conclude when God has rained fire on the islands of the sea and on the invading force coming against Israel."

Funnily enough Pat also foresaw possible nuclear attacks against the United States in his predictions for 2007. When they failed to materialize, Pat said, "All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us."

Well thank goodness for that.



Joe McCain

With just a few weeks to go until election day, the McCain campaign is struggling in traditionally red states. Over the weekend Sarah Palin was campaigning in Nebraska.

So what better time than to insult the most populous area of a southern state that you desperately need to win? Step forward Joe McCain, who appears to be about as stable as his brother John. Joe was campaigning in Virginia last week where, according to the Associated Press:

Republican presidential candidate John McCain's brother made an apparent joke at a campaign rally this weekend that might not play well in parts of newly competitive Virginia.

Joe McCain, speaking at an event in support of his brother, called two Democratic-leaning areas in Northern Virginia "communist country," according to a report on The Washington Post's Web site.

"I've lived here for at least 10 years and before that about every third duty I was in either Arlington or Alexandria, up in communist country," Joe McCain said at an event in Loudon County, Va.

(snip)

"This was Joe McCain's unsuccessful attempt at humor," said McCain campaign spokeswoman Gail Gitcho. "John McCain and Sarah Palin are committed to winning the support of voters in Northern Virginia and understand the region's importance to victory statewide."

Way to go, Joe! Would you like some fries to go with that foot in your mouth?



Mell Kuhn

You just can't make this stuff up. According to Think Progress:

The Wichita NAACP blog reports that Mell Kuhn, mayor of Arkansas City, KS, appeared last weekend in a beauty pageant fundraiser wearing a blackface drag costume.

Apparently Kuhn showed up to the pageant - which was being held to support a children's advocacy group - as a character called "Smellishis Poon," along with a group of backup dancers called the "Red Hot Puntangs." Is that classy or what? Take a look:


When pressed to defend himself, Kuhn responded, "All this PC is bullshit. We go around walking on eggshells all the time, we don't get anything done."

He later apologized after the NAACP had a word in his ear - but the really disturbing part of this story? Kuhn won the beauty contest.



Danny Funderburk

And here's some more mayor madness, this time from South Carolina, thanks to Fort Mill mayor Danny Funderburk who last week "forwarded a chain e-mail suggesting Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama is the biblical antichrist."

According to WCNC-TV:

"I was just curious if there was any validity to it," Funderburk said in a telephone interview. "I was trying to get documentation if there was any scripture to back it up."

See? No problem here. Funderburk was just trying to get confirmation - you can't blame a guy for trying to educate himself. The worst part is that nobody has been able to given him a straight answer yet.

When asked if he believed Obama was the antichrist, Funderburk replied, "I've got absolutely no way of knowing that."

Oh, if only there was some kind of reliable source that could set Funderburk's mind to rest. I guess he'll just have to wait until the Rapture to find out for sure.



David Zucker and Friends

The reviews are in, and David Zucker's new anti-Michael Moore movie "An American Carol" has been officially certified rotten by the movie review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com.

But of course, effete liberal movie reviewers aren't the audience Zucker and Co. are aiming at - they're taking this movie straight to the people. So what do the people think? Well, "An American Carol" opened over the weekend with a miserable $3.8 million from 1,639 theaters, an average of about $2,325 per theater. At ten bucks a ticket, you can see that "An American Carol" isn't exactly cramming them in.

Let's put those totals in perspective by comparing them to another movie. To give Zucker a fighting chance, let's make that movie one of those awful liberal documentaries that he loves to hate. To make it even easier on him, let's make it a movie that that opened in half as many theaters. "Fahrenheit 9/11" opened in 2004 with $24 million from 868 theaters, an average of about about $27,550 per theater. It went on to make $120 million domestically, and almost a quarter of a billion dollars worldwide.

The free market has spoken, Mr. Zucker - and it said your movie sucks balls.



Darrell Issa

Poor John McCain really got hosed last week. First he "suspended" his campaign and rushed back to Washington to solve the financial crisis. Then he bragged that he was responsible for reaching an agreement on the bailout bill. And then House Republican leaders failed to deliver the votes they promised and the bill went down, leaving McCain looking like a fool and a fraud. You know, you can say what you like about McCain, but four years with him as president would certainly be a thrilling rollercoaster ride. If you like rollercoasters without seat restraints - or brakes.

Anyway, it turns out that there are quite a few Republicans in Washington who, after years of gobbling at the public trough, have suddenly had an eleventh hour conversion to fiscal conservatism. Take frequent conservative idiot Darrell Issa, for example. According to Real Clear Politics:

The ideologues are best illustrated by Rep. Darrell Issa, a Republican from California, who said that he could not support the bailout because it would be like placing a coffin on top of Ronald Reagan's coffin.

I must admit I can understand Issa's concen. After all, a coffin placed on top of Ronald Reagan's coffin would seriously hinder the second coming of the Gipper. He'll never be able to rise from the grave if he can't get the lid open.

And finally...

Due to the imminent arrival of my first child - he's expected in just a few days time - the Top 10 is going on hiatus next week, and will likely not return until after the election. If all goes well then the next time I write the list we'll be just a few weeks away from the end of this eight-year-long Republican nightmare, and looking towards a brighter future.

But despite what the polls say right now, remember that this is no time to relax. Please make sure you are registered to vote and get your family and friends to double-check their registrations. Donate what you can to the Obama campaign and to other Democrats around the country who are in close races. On election day, do what you can to get your friends and neighbors to the polls. If you want to do more, check out BarackObama.com for volunteering opportunities. They need all the help they can get, and we need to fight this thing all the way to the finish line.

Here's to victory in November, and I'll see you again soon!

-- EarlG