Democratic Underground

From the Desk of George W. Bush
September 11, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo

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Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level "mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information to you on a regular basis.

Dear Santa,

I know it's a little early to be writin you, but you're my only hope. Dickie says we gotta choose between spendin money on my Education Program or on my Missile Defense Shield. Dickie says we got no money left after that tax cut and them Dang Democrats are squealin like stuck piglets cause we might take money from Social Security. Now, I don't get this! Ain't Social Security for protectin folks? Social means folks, right? And Security means protectin, right? And won't a Missile Defense Shield protect folks? Them Dang Democrats always gotta be causin me grief. They gives me the brain pain - BIG TIME!

Anyhoo, Dickie says folks will be ticked if we choose Missile Defense over Education. Dickie says folks don't care about Missile Defense, but they sure as heck care about Education. Dickie says even though my Education Program sucks and don't do doodie, folks think it's better than nothin. I don't get this either. What's the problem with Education? Every kiddie I meet is a heck of a lot smarter than me and I'm the President. How much more learnin do them kiddies need, anyway? But Dickie says folks won't vote for me in 2004 if we choose Missile Defense. Don't that suck?

Okay, Santa, here's the thing. I really want that Missile Defense Shield and that's what I want you to bring me for Christmas. Only make sure, on bottom of the Missile Defense Shield, it says "Made in USA" not "Made in China" cause I'm still ticked at them Dang Chinese. As a matter of fact, they're gonna be the first to get a taste of the MDS's awesome destructive force. As that cute little Cartman says on "South Park," them Dang Chinese are gonna "RESPECT MY AU-THOR-I-TAY!"

Santa, I don't want you to think I'm just gonna use the MDS to give them Dang Chinese payback, cause I got a lot of other plans for it. After them Dang Chinese, I'm gonna smoke me some Dang A-rabs, cause they've just been beggin for it. Then, I'm gonna smoke me some Dang Democrats, cause they're makin my life a livin hell. Then, I'm gonna smoke me some caribou, so we can drill for oil in Alaska. Then, I'm gonna smoke me some Greenies, cause they're a big pain in my posterior. Then, I'm gonna smoke that Dang Presidente Fox for makin me look like a horse's patooty when I thought he was my best buddy. Then, I'm gonna smoke Janet Reno, although I don't know why I should help Jebby after that whole Florida election mess. Then, if Dickie don't get off my

dang back about fartin in the oval office, I'm gonna smoke him, too. Finally, I'm gonna smoke me some Frenchies - just cuz!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I have been a really good boy this year Santa. I've been eatin all my Broccoli. I haven't had much beer. I haven't crank called Tom Daschle in two days. I haven't sent Jebby any hangin chads since April. And I've only been naughty on Friday nights with Lauri. Hee, Hee!

So, Santa, you see, I really deserve that Missile Defense Shield and it's the only thing I'm askin for this year - well, that and lots of batteries to run it, so I don't have to send Lauri out for them on Christmas morning.

Oh, by the way, I lost a tooth tryin to open a beer bottle. Do you think the tooth fairy will give me 10 billion dollars for the Social Security "lock box" so I can get them Dang Democrats off my back? And do you think it's too soon to ask the Easter Bunny for an upturn in the Economy? Let me know.

Your Best Little President,
George W.

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