Democratic Underground

From the Desk of George W. Bush
July 24, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo

Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level "mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information to you on a regular basis.

From: George W. Bush <>
Sent: Monday, July 23, 2001 4:56 PM
To: Richard B. Cheney
Subject: RE: G8 Instructions - Please Read

Dang, Dickie!

It took me two dang weeks to read this dang thing. Do you have to use such dang big words? I had to use that dang big book of words! The dang G-8 was over by the time I figgered it out. I was wonderin why I got funny looks when I asked where the dang red juice was. Them folks must think Iím real dumb. How bad is it if I did all of them dang don'ts?

You suck,

-----Original Message-----

From: Richard B. Cheney <>
Sent: Friday, July 13, 2001 1:34 PM
To: George W. Bush
Subject: G8 Instructions - Please Read

Mr. President:

As you know, you will be traveling to Italy next week to attend the G-8 summit. G-8 stands for Group of Eight and leaders from France, Britain, Japan, Canada, Russia, Italy, Germany, and the United States (that is you) will be attending. It is not to be confused with V-8, which is a popular vegetable juice drink.

Since I must remain in-residence to formulate your position on the Stem Cell Debate, I cannot accompany you to insure you avoid uttering superfluous, ignorant, or inflammatory remarks. Our position with these countries is extremely tenuous and we must capitalize on this opportunity to stabilize our relationship with these foreign powers. It is for this reason, that I have compiled this brief compendium.

While attending the G-8 Summit it is imperative that you abide by the following Do's and Don'ts:

Do address each leader with the prefixes "Mister" or "Madam" followed by their title or last name"

a) Hello, Mister Prime Minister
b) Greetings, Mister Putin

Don't address anyone in the following manner:

a) Hey there, Frenchie!
b) What's up, Commie?
c) How's it hangin, Ruskie?

Do make frequent use of the following words and phrases:

a) please
thank you
c) you are welcome
d) compromise
e) agree or agreement
f) find a common ground
g) respect our differences
h) come to a common understanding

Don't use any of the following words or phrases:

a) Dang (in any form)
b) you suck
c) bite me
e) if it wasn't for us you'd all be spreckin friggin German
f) lucky shotgun
g) Bang, Bang
g) your momma

Do answer questions about the environment in the following manner:

"We feel it is extremely important to find an appropriate balance between protecting the environment and preserving our natural resources for future generations and establishing unreasonable standards that could potentially cripple our respective countries' economies."

Don't answer questions about the environment in the following manner:

a) Who gives a dang about some dang stinky flea bags who donít pay taxes
b) Bite me, you dang enviro-nuts
c) Let me get my lucky shot gun! Bang, Bang, Bang!
d) Arsenic adds flavoring
e) Who doesnít like smog?

Do answer questions about Missile Defense in the following manner:

"We feel it is crucial to protect ourselves against unregulated nuclear proliferation amongst unfriendly and antagonist nations that refuse to share our philosophy concerning the necessity for peace and the preservation of life."

Don't answer questions about Missile Defense in the following manner:

a) Let's smoke them A-rabs!
b) Bite me, you commie!
c) Iím gonna rule the world! (followed by evil laughter)
d) I got me a big gun, wanna see?

Good Luck,

Richard B. Cheney
Vice President of the United States of America

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