Inside Scooter's Diary: Come and Get Me,
November 1, 2005
Satire by Bernard Weiner, The
Well, I'm in it now.
Somehow, the way I thought it would happen went badly off-track:
Karl and I, if it came to it, if there were no other options available,
would take the fall for our bosses. I really believed that. And
here I am all by my lonesome twisting in a harsh wind.
Karl and I run tight ships. We were all supposed to circle the
wagons and keep the indictments restricted, at the worst, to low-level
Instead, it looks like a bad case of every-man-for-himself broke
out, going up the chain of command. I can understand Novak and the
other press guys blabbing - even sweet Judy, after 85 days in jail
- but our own guys like Hannah and Wurmser? For chrissakes, those
two and other lower-level Administration officials revealed a whole
host of my early Plame discussions to the Grand Jury!
But that's not what has me pissed off, and what has put me in
this indictment-box all by myself.
No, it's that Karl, terrified of the legal noose that was nearly
around his neck, apparently cut a last-minute deal with Fitzpatrick
and got himself a free pass, while I'm facing the possibility of
years in the slammer. Granted, I'm basing my judgment on insider
reports and newspaper gossip about why Karl wasn't indicted, but
it's clear he didn't try very hard to protect my ass. In theory,
Karl might still get indicted, but it doesn't really look like that
Yeah, I know that at the end of the day Bush may pardon me - I
hope it comes before the trial, if that's legal, but, if not then,
when it's politically prudent to do so. You can hear the spin now:
"America needs to move forward and, in the interests of national
security in post-9/11 wartime, close this episode from further scrutiny
by our enemies," or some such verbiage.
But a pardon that may or may not arrive is small consolation when
your entire life and all your actions are about to be opened to
the world in a court of law; I know a lot of secrets and have been
involved in a lot of shadowy events, and I'm feeling especially
vulnerable when it comes to the prosecutors, who will be looking
for the slightest opening or slip-up in my testimony.
A "SENIOR-MOMENTS" DEFENSE?
The GOP spin is that I'm just a "bad apple," a single person inside
an otherwise righteous White House, who went off by himself to out
a CIA agent whose husband questioned our use of suspect pre-war
intelligence. But even if anyone were to believe that - and the
early polls indicate the public isn't buying it - it doesn't help
my situation. My lawyers and I are kicking around a kind of "senior-moments"
defense: in my position, I had so much to deal with every day that
I inadvertently might have mixed-up some recollections and got a
few dates and facts wrong. But even I don't think that will fly
with a jury, there's just too much evidence against me; no, Fitzgerald
has got me good, and I can't quite see how I'm going to wriggle
The problem in lying, as I now know a lot better, is that once
you tell a whopper, unless you alter your story early - and you
have to make that decision while not knowing what others are revealing
in their testimony - you're more or less obliged to keep telling
that same tale and your liability keeps growing. Karl realized he
was in the same situation, but, at the last minute, went back to
the Grand Jury and told them that his recollections were now "refreshed."
Doing so saved his behind, but at what price to me, to Cheney and
Bush, to the cause?
Damn it, why couldn't we stick together on this thing?
Though I haven't discussed it with my attorneys, I'm sorely tempted
to cop a plea and spill some truth-tales of my own. If I'm going
down, I'm not going down alone.
RATFINKING NOT MY STYLE
That's my angry gut talking, diary. I know I probably wouldn't
be able to do that, even to get retribution, because there's no
way it would stop there. Inevitably, Cheney and Bush would be dragged
in. And down would go everything for which we we worked years, decades.
To save their electoral necks a goodly number of our conservative
GOP friends would desert us, perhaps even on an impeachment vote
in the House. If that scenario would look likely, Bush and Cheney
might feel forced to resign in advance of such a vote.
No, I can't go that ratfink route. I'm better and more loyal than
that. I wouldn't want that on my conscience, ever.
On the other hand, if I weren't pretty clear that a pardon is
coming, I might rethink my reluctance. For example, if Bush's numbers
continued to tank, he might well be advised by GOP leaders that
a pardon for me should not be granted lest the GOP and the entire
conservative revolution go down in flames for a decade or more.
And Bush, not the sharpest tack in the drawer and not knowing what
else to do, would agree, despite whatever pardon-hints his representatives
might have dropped to me earlier.
This is so damn complicated! I need some wise counsel here, but
all I get from everyone is self-serving advice: Keep your mouth
shut and you'll be taken care of. Take the fall and you'll be a
hero to good patriotic Americans everywhere. Don't worry, you won't
serve much time and you'll be guaranteed a high-paying corporate
job when it's all over. Remember your important decades of service
to Dick and the conservative cause, don't blow it by weakness now.
Hang in there, we'll find one of our made judges on a federal court
to throw out your indictment on a technicality.
WHAT STOPPED FITZGERALD?
I sure hope we can come up with a way out for me. Right now, I've
painted myself badly into a corner, with no easy escape route.
That Fitzgerald is a clever one, bastard though he be. He laid
out virtually an entire case for charging me and the others for
outing a CIA agent whose identity was classified, and then didn't
do it; instead, he dropped in little nuggets implicating Dick and
Karl, but just left them there, presumably for reporters and Democrats
to use in piecing together the puzzle. By doing it that way, Fitzgerald
guaranteed that others would take the GOP hit rather than himself
- smart thinking of a future politico.
Fitzgerald knows what happened and who's involved, so why didn't
he just drop the hammer on all of us together? Maybe it's as simple
as ambition: He understood that unless he stopped short of Bush
and Cheney, and the whole issue of how the Administration led the
country to war on sketchy intelligence, he would have no future
So why did Fitzgerald stop with me? Could Dick have abandoned
me too, not just Karl? No, it wouldn't happen. Dick and I are joined
at the brain and soul - and legal jeopardy for various projects.
Karl I can understand, even if I loathe him for not sticking by
me. But no way Dick would abandon me. I won't even think such thoughts.
Besides, even if it were true in some small way, I long ago vowed
to myself that I would take the bullet for him, in the service of
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
We true conservatives (of the "neo" variety) - those willing to
use our power openly, ruthlessly and decisively in the service of
our country and ideology - have come so far in such a relatively
short period of time, from the far-right fringes of political respectability
in America to the seat of power in the world. I would never do anything
to endanger our rightful place in history and permit those namby-pamby
pinko liberals an opportunity to take over again - not when we're
finally in the position to drown government in a bathtub, to install
enough of our judges to make law from the bench for decades, to
grant even more tax relief for our already-wealthy friends and corporate
supporters, to remove cumbersome government oversight in so many
Not only would the liberals expand giveaways to the lazy minorities
and poor domestically, but they would bring a swift end to our grand
experiment in changing the face of the Mideast by diplomacy and
threat if possible, by force if necessary. Without the Soviets,
and with the Chinese still not quite ready, we remain the lone superpower
- and we should act like it, doing what needs to be done while we
can get away with it. We of the Project for The New American Century
(PNAC), who conceived the philosophy behind establishing our Pax
Americana in the world, are now in control of the foreign-policy
apparatus and should use that power well and often.
No, I have made my principled stand and, even if I have to go
to prison to make sure our agenda can be carried out from the White
House, I'll stand tall, giving no quarter. If you want me, come
and get me, coppers!
Bernard Weiner, a playwright, has peeked into the fictional
diaries of everyone from Bush and Cheney to Patrick Fitzgerald
and Osama bin Laden. A Ph.D. in government & international relations,
he has taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor
for the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The
Crisis Papers. To comment, write: email@example.com.
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