Democratic Underground

Inside Scooter's Diary: Come and Get Me, Coppers!

November 1, 2005
Satire by Bernard Weiner, The Crisis Papers

Dear Diary:

Well, I'm in it now.

Somehow, the way I thought it would happen went badly off-track: Karl and I, if it came to it, if there were no other options available, would take the fall for our bosses. I really believed that. And here I am all by my lonesome twisting in a harsh wind.

Karl and I run tight ships. We were all supposed to circle the wagons and keep the indictments restricted, at the worst, to low-level aides.

Instead, it looks like a bad case of every-man-for-himself broke out, going up the chain of command. I can understand Novak and the other press guys blabbing - even sweet Judy, after 85 days in jail - but our own guys like Hannah and Wurmser? For chrissakes, those two and other lower-level Administration officials revealed a whole host of my early Plame discussions to the Grand Jury!

But that's not what has me pissed off, and what has put me in this indictment-box all by myself.

No, it's that Karl, terrified of the legal noose that was nearly around his neck, apparently cut a last-minute deal with Fitzpatrick and got himself a free pass, while I'm facing the possibility of years in the slammer. Granted, I'm basing my judgment on insider reports and newspaper gossip about why Karl wasn't indicted, but it's clear he didn't try very hard to protect my ass. In theory, Karl might still get indicted, but it doesn't really look like that will happen.

Yeah, I know that at the end of the day Bush may pardon me - I hope it comes before the trial, if that's legal, but, if not then, when it's politically prudent to do so. You can hear the spin now: "America needs to move forward and, in the interests of national security in post-9/11 wartime, close this episode from further scrutiny by our enemies," or some such verbiage.

But a pardon that may or may not arrive is small consolation when your entire life and all your actions are about to be opened to the world in a court of law; I know a lot of secrets and have been involved in a lot of shadowy events, and I'm feeling especially vulnerable when it comes to the prosecutors, who will be looking for the slightest opening or slip-up in my testimony.


The GOP spin is that I'm just a "bad apple," a single person inside an otherwise righteous White House, who went off by himself to out a CIA agent whose husband questioned our use of suspect pre-war intelligence. But even if anyone were to believe that - and the early polls indicate the public isn't buying it - it doesn't help my situation. My lawyers and I are kicking around a kind of "senior-moments" defense: in my position, I had so much to deal with every day that I inadvertently might have mixed-up some recollections and got a few dates and facts wrong. But even I don't think that will fly with a jury, there's just too much evidence against me; no, Fitzgerald has got me good, and I can't quite see how I'm going to wriggle out.

The problem in lying, as I now know a lot better, is that once you tell a whopper, unless you alter your story early - and you have to make that decision while not knowing what others are revealing in their testimony - you're more or less obliged to keep telling that same tale and your liability keeps growing. Karl realized he was in the same situation, but, at the last minute, went back to the Grand Jury and told them that his recollections were now "refreshed." Doing so saved his behind, but at what price to me, to Cheney and Bush, to the cause?

Damn it, why couldn't we stick together on this thing?

Though I haven't discussed it with my attorneys, I'm sorely tempted to cop a plea and spill some truth-tales of my own. If I'm going down, I'm not going down alone.


That's my angry gut talking, diary. I know I probably wouldn't be able to do that, even to get retribution, because there's no way it would stop there. Inevitably, Cheney and Bush would be dragged in. And down would go everything for which we we worked years, decades. To save their electoral necks a goodly number of our conservative GOP friends would desert us, perhaps even on an impeachment vote in the House. If that scenario would look likely, Bush and Cheney might feel forced to resign in advance of such a vote.

No, I can't go that ratfink route. I'm better and more loyal than that. I wouldn't want that on my conscience, ever.

On the other hand, if I weren't pretty clear that a pardon is coming, I might rethink my reluctance. For example, if Bush's numbers continued to tank, he might well be advised by GOP leaders that a pardon for me should not be granted lest the GOP and the entire conservative revolution go down in flames for a decade or more. And Bush, not the sharpest tack in the drawer and not knowing what else to do, would agree, despite whatever pardon-hints his representatives might have dropped to me earlier.

This is so damn complicated! I need some wise counsel here, but all I get from everyone is self-serving advice: Keep your mouth shut and you'll be taken care of. Take the fall and you'll be a hero to good patriotic Americans everywhere. Don't worry, you won't serve much time and you'll be guaranteed a high-paying corporate job when it's all over. Remember your important decades of service to Dick and the conservative cause, don't blow it by weakness now. Hang in there, we'll find one of our made judges on a federal court to throw out your indictment on a technicality.


I sure hope we can come up with a way out for me. Right now, I've painted myself badly into a corner, with no easy escape route.

That Fitzgerald is a clever one, bastard though he be. He laid out virtually an entire case for charging me and the others for outing a CIA agent whose identity was classified, and then didn't do it; instead, he dropped in little nuggets implicating Dick and Karl, but just left them there, presumably for reporters and Democrats to use in piecing together the puzzle. By doing it that way, Fitzgerald guaranteed that others would take the GOP hit rather than himself - smart thinking of a future politico.

Fitzgerald knows what happened and who's involved, so why didn't he just drop the hammer on all of us together? Maybe it's as simple as ambition: He understood that unless he stopped short of Bush and Cheney, and the whole issue of how the Administration led the country to war on sketchy intelligence, he would have no future career.

So why did Fitzgerald stop with me? Could Dick have abandoned me too, not just Karl? No, it wouldn't happen. Dick and I are joined at the brain and soul - and legal jeopardy for various projects. Karl I can understand, even if I loathe him for not sticking by me. But no way Dick would abandon me. I won't even think such thoughts. Besides, even if it were true in some small way, I long ago vowed to myself that I would take the bullet for him, in the service of the cause.


We true conservatives (of the "neo" variety) - those willing to use our power openly, ruthlessly and decisively in the service of our country and ideology - have come so far in such a relatively short period of time, from the far-right fringes of political respectability in America to the seat of power in the world. I would never do anything to endanger our rightful place in history and permit those namby-pamby pinko liberals an opportunity to take over again - not when we're finally in the position to drown government in a bathtub, to install enough of our judges to make law from the bench for decades, to grant even more tax relief for our already-wealthy friends and corporate supporters, to remove cumbersome government oversight in so many regulatory areas.

Not only would the liberals expand giveaways to the lazy minorities and poor domestically, but they would bring a swift end to our grand experiment in changing the face of the Mideast by diplomacy and threat if possible, by force if necessary. Without the Soviets, and with the Chinese still not quite ready, we remain the lone superpower - and we should act like it, doing what needs to be done while we can get away with it. We of the Project for The New American Century (PNAC), who conceived the philosophy behind establishing our Pax Americana in the world, are now in control of the foreign-policy apparatus and should use that power well and often.

No, I have made my principled stand and, even if I have to go to prison to make sure our agenda can be carried out from the White House, I'll stand tall, giving no quarter. If you want me, come and get me, coppers!

Bernard Weiner, a playwright, has peeked into the fictional diaries of everyone from Bush and Cheney to Patrick Fitzgerald and Osama bin Laden. A Ph.D. in government & international relations, he has taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor for the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The Crisis Papers. To comment, write:

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