Democratic Underground

Equal Time with Bob Boudelang

"Our Great President and Me Will Bounce Back, Wait and See, and the Fires Will Not Be My Fault!!"

December 17, 2005
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot

Yes, I have not done my should be award-winning conlumn since Veterans Day, when everyone, even LIEberals and moderates should of got down on their stinking knees to thank me for being a veteran. I helped Ronald Reagan keep the jackbooted tyrants of Granada from destroying this great country of his, and even got wounded in the bottom from friendly fire there. (And I was not running away so stop saying that.) But am I bitter? You bet.

For one thing, Mrs. Brown Rosenfeld has unfairly locked me out of my trailer at the Daisyview Trailer Park. So much for liberal tolerance and diversity. When I promised I would pay the rent on time, I was being "unruly and distinctive" as Judge Eyetaliano said when he told that harmless fib about removing himself from cases where he promised he would.

So I am at liberty in the world, but do not worry. My good friend Shifty Lenny has hooked me up with a guy named Habeeb who lets me stay in his shed, and together we are selling Christmas lights on the street. (By "together" I mean he lets me out on the street corner in the morning, and picks me up at night while I do the selling, due to my personality.)

The Christmas lights look like little Nativity scenes except there is a yak and Mary has some kind of helmet with horns on her head, which you have to look close to even see. That is because they are made in Kurzigystan or some place like that, which is why they are so cheap. Two for five dollars.

They are especially patriotic because they celebrate the great American holiday of Christmas, and also sometimes the Fourth of July when they are plugged in. Habeeb pointed out that it says clearly on the box "Do not use indoors or within five meters of flammable material" in Kurgyzistan writing, so there was no sense in mentioning it, but I do from time to time anyway.

So in honor of Bill O. Riley, I am shouting "Get your patriotic Christmas lights" and "Christmas is not a Happy Holiday!"And I hope if you see me on the street you will buy some lights to support a wounded war veteran who was shot in the ass by friendly fire saving you from the tyrants of Jack Booted Granada, and not because I was running away so stop saying that.

Also if you had a candy bar or some chicklets you oculd give me it would be good.

Meanwhile, here is my Christmas wish list.

I wish for Our Great President that people stop hating him and blaming him for the things he has done. He is Sonny Mobility, as Chris Matthews said, and not an incompetent, corrupt drunk. He and I will be back better than ever, wait and see.

I wish for Our Great Vice President Dick Cheney that his heart works this year.

I wish for Our Great Secrtary of Defensive Donald Rumfilled, who has not been fired yet, that people stop looking to him and asking "Why donít our soldiers have armor?" or "Why is the war such a failure?" or "Why did you say there was 150,000 trained Iraqis when it turned out there was only 750 of them?"

I wish for Karen Huge, the most powerful woman in the world, that there were less people in the Middle of the East who make a fuss when she tells them how much Americans hate them.

I wish for Our Great Secretary of State Concertina Rice that she continue to pretend that people pay attention to her. She is a credit to Negroes who know their place, and I mean it.

I wish for Judge Eyetaliano that he get on the Supreme Court soon so we can all have machine guns.

I wish for John Bolton that the awful foreigners he has to deal with at the U of N all use soap and speak English as God meant us to do.

I wish for Senator Doctor Bill Frisp who only stole a measly billion dollars from Medicare that people stop asking him about his crooked stock deal.

I wish for Republican mean guy Tom Delay that people do not mention that he has anything to do with the guy who got murdered in Florida.

I wish for Republican Congress leader Dennis Haspert that he continue to do what he has been doing, whatever that is.

I wish for that great American patriot Dupe Cunningham that he not get too sex-abused in prison. It is probably unavoidable that he get sez-abused once in awhile, but let us hope that some kind convict makes him his bitch and treats him well. It would be awful if he was treated like a boy-toy by mean rough convicts. Which happens sometimes. There is no sense kidding ourselves.

I wish for James Dopson that he continue speaking out against tolerance and fair play, like with Spongebob. He is full of good advice, like showing your penis to boys to keep them from being gay, and I hope more Americans pay attention to him.

I wish the roof of the shed didnít leak.

And finally for my faceful readers, I wish you hope and happiness in the New Year. And no happy holidays! I mean it!

Bob Boudelang is a Republican team leader and enteraprener and business man. If you wanted to buy some really swell Christmas lights, and the ones that do not catch fire only smell a little funny, you can do so at

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