Democratic Underground

Equal Time with Bob Boudelang

"Zell and I Have Been Out Spreading The Word About Our Great President!!!"

September 11, 2004
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot

Well, thanks for nothing and I mean it!! Gee wiz, you would think someone would of told me that the GOP Convention in Philadelphia was actually not in Philadelphia before I went to Philadelphia. It was in New York City instead, which I wish you would of told me before I went. I blame you.

So there I was wondering the streets of Philadelphia listening to LIEberals say "What is that smell"and "No, I donít have spare change" instead of joining with the joyful throngs of New Yorkers happily greeting Republican delegates. I could have had a bandade with Purple Harp (which was not making fun of all wounded veterans, just those that werenít wounded enough), but no!

But then one morning as I was resting in a doorway a black limo pulled up and a burlap bag was tossed out before it sped off. Inside was that brave patriot Zell Miller, who was happy to see me, since he had been having trouble breathing inside the sack.

It seems he had been speaking to the Republican convention and then to the news media. How he had got in the sack he did not know, but he said he had to get back to New York City because he was going to sit with Our Great First Lady Laura Bush and Our Great Father of the President George Bush the First and other important people to hear Our Great President explain what he would do if he became President.

But first he had to go and toast my health like a true Southern gentleman would, and of course to be polite I had to go along with him.

"Gotta entrust my granchildren to George Bush," he said. "Crazy men across the ocean, just like Wendell Wilkie."

He was waving his arms around, and every once in a while he would shout "Spitballs!" and "Let Paris decide." And I told him about how proud I was of Our Great President for torturing those prisoners.

It was a big surprise to me that I would ever agree with a Democrat, who I thought were all socialists and envirowhackos. But Zell explained to me that the party left him, just like it had left Our Greatest Dead President Ever Ronald Reagan and Strom Thurmond and Lester Maddox and lots of other great Democrats. And so we had quite a few drinks and talked about great Democrats like that.

"It is the soldier, not the poet who is a sissy boy," said Zell. "Besides he probly all faked those medals of his. America is not the problem. Some people in America, that is who is the problem. And you know who I mean."

Finely some guys who were sitting at the end of the bar told us to quiet down because they were trying to watch baseball.

"I ought to grab you by the throat and not let you go!" shouted Zell. "I bet if I knocked on the door of your soul thereíd be no one home."

"I bet if I knocked on your head Iíd find a "Vacancy" sign," said one of the guys, who was clearly some sort of liberal or moderate troublemaker.

Well that seemed to get Zell kind of excited, and he began waving his arms and shouting, which brought the bartender over. "Settle down, pop," he said.

"I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel," said Zell, and he threw his glass at the jukebox. "Címon BobÖletís you and me show these liberal punks what real men can do."

Well, I had not had a chance to tell him about my bad back and my friendly fire war room, and anyway there were just two of us and four of them (well, six if you count the cops).

So after we got to the stationhouse and they soaked Zell down to make him stop sinigng "Dixie," they must of called somebody because Secret Service Agent Brown and some other Secret Service Agents showed up to take him and me away. I do not know where Zell went but I guess he went to the speech, where I am sure the Republicans were grateful and happy to show him off to the whole country.

As for me, I got a ride back to the Daisyview trailer park with Secret Service Agent Brown who I thought would be mad but just sighed and made me sit in the trunk. Which was not as bad as you would of thought. It gave me time to think.

However, things are no better there. I was excited to hear that Arnold Schwartzenabor said to people out of work or worried about their jobs, "Donít be an economic girlyman." That is what America needs to hear.

So I took two steroids (Shifty Lenny said they were steroids and that is good enough for me) and got down to my skivvies, covered myself in oil and went down by the highway to pose and wait for the Bush economic miracle. But Mrs. Brown Rosenfeld turned the hose on me.

It is almost like she does not want the Bush economic miracle to continue. But I am not discouraged or bitter, so to hell with her.

Bob Boudelang is a Republican team leader but who would of helped Zell Miller fight a duel. Zell can reach me at if you want to go out drinking again.

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