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Equal Time with Bob Boudelang

"I Tried To Be Republican Candidate for the Senate in Illinois and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"

August 7, 2004
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot

"These are the trials that fry men's soles" as it says in the Constitution, and mine are particularly sore. Since I last talked to you by writing my column here in the liberry where they cannot keep me out, I have been to Philadelphia to speak power to truth, as they say, at the Democrap convention. It took me almost a week to hitchhike there from here, but it would have been worth it to set the record straight at the Democrap convention in Philadelphia. I have a blister too, and really should of got picked up by people driving by, due to my hammer toes.

"But Bob," I would hear you say if you were saying it. "The Democrap convention was in Boston."

Well, all I can say is phooey! Where were you when I was planning my trip? Where were you when I was partway there and the rain melted my sign?

I had got a piece of cardboard and had wrote on it "Please give a wounded war veteran who protected America from the tyrants of Grenada a ride to the DemoncRAT Convention in Philadelphia so I can support Our Great President who is not a dishonest idiot so stop saying that." When I had finished, it seemed like the letters were kind of small. So I fixed that by writing under that "Please slow down and read this as this is important to every patriotic American like myself or probably you."

Well, people still kept speeding by, and then it started to rain, and before long my sign was nothing but a soggy blob. Finely a guy with a truck full of pipes and stuff picked me up, but I had to ride in back because of the smell and the pipes kept rolling on my feet whenever he slowed down or sped up.

When I got to Philadelphia at first I was glad. When I said to people on the street, "Do not believe the lies about Our Great President that they are saying at the Run-DNC!" it seemed as if they did not know what I was talking about, which made me think that the lies were not really being listened to. But on the second day a cop explained to me that the Convention was in Boston and not Philadelphia, so the joke was on them. And I was not sleeping in that doorway but only resting.

At first I thought I would go down to Boston and confront the enemies of America themselves, but then I decided that was too good for them. Instead, I noticed from the Internet that the Republicans were having auditions in Illinois for Senate candidate. It was like American Idle only with less minorities and women.

Well, now what could be more like democracy in action than a bunch of rich people meeting behind closed doors in a club for rich people to pick a candidate for everyone? I ask you.

And yes, there were a lot of fine people vying for the job, but I am sure I can vy as well as anyone. And it would probably pay more than the fish market. Plus in the Senate I am sure there is not a lot of heavy lifting and you can go out in the alley to think without a whole bunch of cats trying to rip the fishguts away before I can get them in the dumpster. I would get to hobnob with movers and shakiers like Senator Doctor Bill Frisp (and I would not mention the billions he stole from Medicare like some people would).

One of the vyers was Jim Oberweis, who had been running commercials attacking hispanish immigrants. However, he showed up with a guy carrying a sign saying "Mexican Americans for Oberweis" which I am sure would of fooled them.

Another vyer was this guy, who lives in his car:

It was hard not to be jealous, since my trailer has one wheel off and was no help getting me to Chicago.

I was inspired by both of these fine candidates, and I thought the way to get the job was to show that I could fool Gayo-Americans the way Jim Oberweis could fool Hispanish voters, and look distinguished, like the guy in the wig. That way the Gayo-Americans and Lesbos would not notice when we passed the amendment to make them illegal.

So I got a wig (and no I did not steal the wig. Probably whoever broke the window of the wig store with that brick ran away and panicked and dropped the wig, so it was found and not stolen. The same person probably robbed the cash register too, as far as you know.). It was the Rupture model, probly named for the happy day we all look forward to, when the good people like me and George W. go up to heaven and all the rest of you are set on fire and die.

I went to a print shop to have a sign made this time, as I did not want to have a repeat of the "Please give a wounded war veteran who protected America from the tyrants of Grenada a ride to the DemoncRAT Convention in Philadelphia so I can support Our Great President who is not a dishonest idiot so stop saying that Please slow down and read this as this is important to every patriotic American like myself or probably you" fiesta that I had had on the way to Philadelphia, which I should have been to Boston.

However, "Gayo-Americans For Bob Boudelang" was too long for the sign I could afford. I finally settled for "I heart (not the word heart but a picture of a heart. Not a real heart with blood and stuff, but like in a valentine.) Pansies," which would be like "I (not the word heart but a picture of a heart) New York" except that I do not heart New York, which is full of LIEberals and has sHrillary Klintoon for Senator. I do not heart GayoAmericans either, but there is no reason to tell them that.

I got a ride partway there from a guy who had chickens in little wire cages and got kind of covered with feathers. But then in Ohio, I was standing by the side of the road waving at passing cars with my wig on and my "I heart Pansies" sign and there was trouble. A bunch of teenagers who probly had hate-filled liberal or moderate parents drove up and knocked me down and ripped up my sign and tore my shirt and threw my wig down the storm sewer. I do not have to tell you it was the first time in my life I was ever glad to see a policeman, as I would of hated to have to get rough with them.

Officer Wilson gave me a t-shirt for James Addiction (whoever he is) he had in the trunk of the squad car and advised me to keep moving, as he clearly wanted to see a Republican like me in the Senate from Illinois. But like Shakespeare said, "The spirit is wild and wooly but the flesh will weep."

And so I went home, satisfied with another day of spreading the news about Our Great President and all his accomplishments.

I am glad to report that the Republicans in Illinois found a candidate almost as good as me in Alan Keyes, who I am sure will fool the black people into thinking Republicans care about them. And yes, he is running in Illinois although he is not from Illinois, but that is different than Shrillery running in New York when she was not from New York. The reason why is so obvious I would be insulting you if I told you.

And the biggest surprise was that when I got home I found that Secret Service Agent Brown had gone to Boston to the Democrap convention because the Secret Service was worried about some dangerous nut who was headed there. I told him when he came home if I had of waited a day I could have rode with him, and we all had a good laugh, especially after he said he does not want me in his car ever again. The end.

Bob Boudelang is a Republican Team Leader, and no, I don't know who James Addiction is or what the t-shirt was wrapped around or why it smells like that. If there are any Republican committees still looking for candidates, they can reach him at This time I want a ride, and you have to pay for the wig.


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