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Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Orange Alert!"
September 13, 2002
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot

Orange Alert!

Well, now we see the wisdom of giving Homely Director of Security Tom Ridge (who has not got fired yet) $38 billion dollars and not asking for him to account for it to Congress. Our nation is at Orange Alert!

Without our color chart we would have probly just been at a high stage of alert. But now thanks to the miracle of George W. we can say we are at Orange Alert! when we run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

This is a higher alert than ever before in the Golden Book of our nation's history, and almost as high an alert as the highest alert, which thanks to Homely Director Ridge will be a Red Alert and not a lavender or puce one.

I know that everyone with half a mind like me is naturally concerned and perhaps looking for a good place to hide, not because George Bush has not done anything to make the country safer but just out of common sense. Our Great Attorney General John Ashcroft even stopped singing "The Eagle is Sore" to warn that terrorists might strike anywhere in America, especially Indonesia or Malaysia.

"We take every threat seriously. The threats that we have heard recently remind us of the pattern of threats that we heard prior to September 11," President George W. Bush said. And that does not mean he was lying when he said last year the terrorists struck without warning until all the warning memos turned up to have been covered up, either.

And the Orange Alert! was not called just because Jeb Bush screwed up an election in Florida again or because Noelle got caught again, this time with crack cocaine but not arrested, or because the Prime Minister of Portugal scolded Our Great President in Public. It was a real Orange Alert! So stop saying that.

Besides, Our Great President just laughed when he heard that the Prime Minister of Portugal had an opinion on our War with Iraq, like anyone cared. I am sure George W. will even listen politely to what the leaders of countries like Portugal and France before ignoring them. He even went to the United Nations to tell them he wants them to join together with him or else he will act alone without the U of N, and he did not sound like an idiot no matter what some people say.

And who was not inspired to hear our Great President celebrate the day he hit his lucky trifecta (We Republican patriots still get a big laugh out of that)? Well, I was not for one, since Mrs. Rosenfeld did not even turn her TV on. She and Secret Service Agent Brown listened to Sweet Baby James on the hi fi instead. Not that I could have seen anyway, since her savage watchdog will not let me near the house. She cannot prove that is me anyway, and pants get ripped all the time.

Also the Pit Stop Tavern where I am too aloud in was watching the baseball game. And Ignacio who lives two trailers down was either watching Spanish TV or playing a video game. I could not make it out through the wall of the trailer.

George W. has said many times that the terrorists hate us for our freedom. "What our enemies began, we will finish," he said. Sure enough, a court that was all Republicans met in secret this very week and only listened to one side of the case. So much for human rights! Chalk up another big victory against freedom for Our Great President who life would be easier if he was a dictator, as he has said.

However it is shocking to report that many Americans who must be terrorist sympathizers are ignoring the Orange Alert! and going about their humdrum everyday hopeless lives instead of panicking as Our Great President wishes. Mrs. Rosenfeld refused to make her son dig a pit around the trailer park and fill it with gasoline as any sensible person would if not for my bad back. And she laughed out loud when I told her she should have Secret Service Agent Brown fingerprint and get D and A samples from the post man and UPS guy, both of whom are swarthy.

And Mr. Munchino told me to shut up when I told him we should have a gun at the barber shop for Orange Alert! I would not be surprised to learn he is really an Iraqiani secret agent who is only pretending to be Italian. Yesterday I told him to turn his radio to Rush Limbaugh so that we could all hear what Our Great Vice President Dick Cheney was going to say about evil liberals. "Cram it, nutso," he explained and turned the Perry Como songs up louder.

Frankly the whole barber shop seems like a wiper's nest of subversives. I will be keeping an eye on them, you bet!

However, there is happy news to report. Bill Simon has got a judge to throw out the fraud conviction against him and not because the fix was in so stop saying that. Now all of California knows he is not a crook if you don't count the secret partnerships and the phony charity and the offshore tax shelter, which is hardly even illegal.

Also once again, no one can actually prove that the elections which were screwed up in Florida were Jeb Bush's fault, especially because there is going to be no investigation.

On the Homely Security Front, Our Great President's people seized a whole bunch of telephones that were going overseas to help Alkaheeda plan their terrorism. And even though it turned out they were not going overseas to help Alkaheeda plan their terrorism, they could have been, which is just as good.

Also hardly anybody noticed that SEC chief Harvey Pits is not asking Our Great Vice President any questions about Halliburton. And even though the workers there are getting cheated out of their pensions, no-one can prove Dick Cheney has anything to do with it. And with Harvey Pits help, no one ever will. Amen.

Bob Boudelang is a Republican Team Leader who was proud to panic when there was an Orange Alert! He can be reached at

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