Equal Time with Bob Boudelang
"Our Great Leader Is An Inspiration To Us All And The Fire Was Not My Fault"
December 7, 2001
by Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot

In the interests of fairness and impartiality, we've decided that conservatives should have a voice on this website. So here he is - Bob Boudelang, American Patriot, with this week's rebuttal...

What a week of triumph and tragedy for this great nation and our Great President, here and at home. Who did not see George W. say "There's one terrible pilot" on T and V, who did not think the exact same thing? (I did not, because Mr. Padnavatham wanted to watch some Indian movie, but still.) Yes, George Bush is staying home from the Pearl Harbor ceremonies and has locked the White House doors, but that is not because he is afraid. He is just doing that to be safe.

In Afghanistan, we accidentally dropped a bomb on ourselves, but nobody is perfect. And yes, we did wound the guy who is the head of the new provisional Afghanistaniard government on his first day, but do not worry. He was not killed, and I am sure he knows it could happen to anybody, especially since they are all swarthy. We did not do it on purpose because he wants UN peacekeepers and we do not, and he will too believe that. Do those people over there seem like the kind of folks who would hold a grudge?

And who is not proud of the job John Ashcroft is doing? He is finally putting soldiers and helicopters along the border with Canada to save us from Canadian terrorists who try to impose their free health care system on us. And when the FBI storm troopers tried to look at gun records, he stopped them. After all, just because a person is a suspected terrorist does not mean he does not have rights under the Second Amendment, people! The rights that suspected terrorists do not have are under the Sixth Amendment. In addition, moreover, you cannot prove the National Rifle Association had anything to do with it.

The Attorney General of us all (so stop saying that) also arrested the guy who attacked Planned Parenthood after the people at Kinko's turned him in. I am sure John Ashcroft will throw the booklet at him, as he definitely went overboard. But it is easy to get carried away in the "war" against terrorists and choice. That is why our wise president Bush is threatening to veto the anti-terrorism bill, because the Democrat-Socialists actually want to spend money to fight terrorists. Dubya knows that we should not pay just any price, bear just any burden, or meet any hardship at all in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. Otherwise our tax cut is in jeopardy and we run the risk of not refunding those ten years worth of corporate income taxes.

And we have another red alert from our Homely Director of Security Tom Ridge, although we do not know from what or who or when or how or where. Still, now we have an alert, so watch out. America needs more lerts.

Let me ask out loud to you, when will this constant witch hunt and hate campaign over Enron and George W start so it can be stopped? Yes, Ken Lay sold all his stock before the news came out, and yes, his executives took $55 million for themselves before bankruptcy. Good God! It is only common sense - do you think the Captain of the Titanic went down with his ship when the iceberg attacked it? No, he dressed up like a woman and snuck in a lifeboat, like any sensible person would.

So what if all the other workers lost their pension? They knew what they were doing when they took the jobs and got pensions out of stock. The stock market intales risk, people, and not everyone could be as smart as Ken Lay was and sell all their stock before August. Besides, even if Enron had not stopped the employees from selling their stock at the same time, you have no proof they would have sold it all, since they did not know about the fraud, not that there was any. It is all smoking mirrors, and Dick Cheney had nothing to do with Enron and vice-a-verse-a, as the French say. It will all come out in the hearings which would be unfair to our great Vice President.

Do we have to harp on every little scandal instead of complaining that Bill Clinton should have done more to stop the attacks? Everyone knows the attacks are his fault, especially since George W. and us Republicans kept mentioning out loud how weak and unprepared we were, all last year.

Also it was Strom Thurmond's birthday, and what real American was not thrilled to see he could still actually move and blink? His birthday should be a national holiday if for no other reason than the way he proved Harry Truman was a communist for integrating the armed forces. After all, the black people have a holiday for Martin Luther King. But did Martin Luther King ever knock down another senator to keep him from voting for civil rights like Strom Thurmond did? Arrest my case!

He is a symbol of American conservative-ism at its best, even if he cannot stand up and smells funny.

This was an especially event-filled week here at home in America, especially last Sunday. Reverend Cloyd had read somewhere about a wonderful appearance that great American hero Colonel Oliver North (who is not a Nazi nut and stop saying that!) had made at a church. He had appeared with Inspector Widget and McGrub the crime dog and other great Americans to fight a Mexican guy who represented evil, I think the clipping said.

Reverend Cloyd wanted to do the same thing at our church, but when he found out what Colonel North charges for a personal appearance he asked me to help instead. (He knows I would do anything to help this great country of ours for $20.) I originally wanted to play Colonel North, but Reverend Cloyd said he was getting the Commander from the American Legion instead. He asked me to be evil.

I was very disappointed, as Colonel North has always been one of my idles since he was not selling arms to our enemies in the Middle East, which was another DemoCrap lie. But I was willing to be evil for religion and patriotism, and I did not get drunk either, despite what you might have heard. That was ant paste they smelled afterwards.

The day before the event, I had a great idea. Everyone knows it is Muslins and not white people who are evil, and besides Arjay, Mr. Padnavatham's nephew, owes me a favor from when I lent him my guns so he could shoot out streetlights until the fascist LIEberal Gestapo confiscated them. Arjay is lost in the darkness of a Hindu, which is almost as bad as being Muslin, and he is also black, although not like a real black person. Arjay was on suspension again from Herbert Hoover High, so he had time to help plan. He wanted half of what I was getting, but instead I offered to share what I had bought with the $20 with him (and it is none of your business what I bought, so stop saying that. Warehouse Liquors has other things on sale besides alcohol.) That way I could be Inspector Gadget and McGrub, while Arjay could be Mexican evil.

I thought I would surprise Reverend Cloyd so I did not mention my plan. I also thought some fireworks would help, which I now admit was a mistake on my part, but let me asketh you this, who among us has not cast the first stone?

So on Sunday afternoon, just as the Commander of the American Legion began his patriotic speech (Colonel North would have done better), I lit the fuse and came out from where I was hidden. I had a nifty costume I had made out of an old raincoat and hat I found in a trash can at the bus station, and I had gotten a bunch of kitchen gadgets like spatulas and the like out of Mr. Padnavatham's trailer to hold in my hands (and no, I did not steal them, socialist smarty-pants. Arjay said it was all right).

That covered the Inspector Widget part, but I had trouble with the McGrub part. I was hoping to find a dog mask somewhere, but I could not, so I put socks over my ears and shouted "Bow Wow!" Another problem solved, just as if our Great President George Bush would have done it.

That part went very well. Even the Commander of the American Legion was impressed as I walked down the church aisle shouting "Bow Wow! I am McGrub too!" and clanking the spatulas, and stopped talking to admire me. One of the socks fell off, but I fixed it by shouting "Bow Wow! I still have two ears! Bow Wow!"

The problem began with Arjay, who I am sorry to say is an ignorant foreigner even though he was born here. Reverend Cloyd was coming down the aisle to congratulate me when Arjay ran in wearing a ski mask. Did he not know that it is Swedes and other squareheads who ski, and not Muslins who live in deserts?

Arjay accidentally knocked Reverend Cloyd down and squirted the church-goers with his water pistol that just looks like a Tec-9 (this is why more people should join the NRA, so they would know their firearms). People took it the wrong way and just then the fireworks went off, and what with the explosions and the screaming I could not explain that we were just doing what Colonel North did, only not as well.

I was so embarrassed by Arjay's bad costume and childish antics that I pretended I did not know who he was afterwards, nor also how the fireworks got into the loft. (And I was not arrested, just held over night. So there!) Accidents will happen. However, the volunteer fire fighters who arrived almost in time to save the church were every bit as brave as the ones in New York City, but do we see celebrities like George cLoony lining up to organize a charity for them so Bill O'Reilly can attack it? It makes you think, doesn't it? I know it does me.

Bob Boudelang is a brave American patriot like Oliver North who is not a Nazi and has two ears. He really meant to return those spatulas and Arjay got away so it is just unfair that he cannot see Fox News anymore.