May 20, 2005
Compiled by Delilah Boyd, A
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Do you ever feel like you've got a big red bullseye painted on
your back? If you demonstrate any sympathy for those less fortunate
than you, those whose professions pay "women's wages,"
or those whose artistic sensibilities grate the delicate skin (peel)
of corporate megalomaniacs and their June Cleaver wives, chances
are you should step into the nearest clothing store changing room
and check your backside in the rearview mirror.
Liberals have always been considered easy targets for corporate
Republican types. When campaigning for election, Republicans avoid
issues like the plague and go straight for the slings and arrows.
After all, attacking the character and hypothetical motives of an
opponent is infinitely easier than addressing the complex nature
of society. Republicans weep and wail about how liberals have corrupted
the very fiber of our moral society, how this or that needs reforming
immediately, and how much better they can make your lives on Wednesday
if you'll just vote for them on Tuesday. Yes, Virginia; Wimpy lives
- and he's aiming directly at the big red target on your back. Once
elected/selected/programmed to win, the real Republican scam begins.
Don't expect the corporate-owned media to expose the scam, either.
in a post about Paul Krugman, writes, "It's sad when you have
to depend on editorials for facts." Speaking of editorials,
Drum plans to cancel his subscription to the New
York Times this week, to protest their planned "by subscription
only" web policy (anyone else thinking of New Coke right now?)
One of Drum's readers comments, "I guess the Times publisher
really does not understand the Internet, blogging, interactivity,
or the concept of feedback, let alone how to price his product.
Business schools will be teaching this as an example of arrogant
boneheadedness for a long time."
We now return you to your previously-scheduled Republican scam,
already in progress...
Once in office, Republican officials never stop dangling the "some
day soon" carrot. Trust them, and they'll take care of those
gawd-less (and unionized) public school teachers, who mistakenly
believe that little Ang Tshe-ring and his classmates, Vortigern
and Lakota, shouldn't have to pray to Jesus while attendance is
being taken. Trust them, and they'll return today's smutty TV shows
and movies to the glorious days of yesteryear, when the demure housewife
wore pearls while fighting wax build up, and Leave It To Bachelor
Father Knows Best donned his slippers and enjoyed a doctor-approved
pipe in his study before dinner. Trust them, and they'll stop all
of those nasty U.S. Constitution-loving victims' rights lawyers,
medical malpractice haters, and equal opportunity loony toons. Trust
them, and they'll even fight the crusade (yes, it's a crusade, damn
it!) against the infidels of your choice while you participate in
fascism Might-Makes-Right democracy by supporting FOX News' advertising
Here's the catch: Republican officials never really have to make
good on any of their campaign promises. For example, DU blogger
Sund notes "A Small Victory For Civil Rights,"
which must have stunned Republicans in Nebraska. You'd think Capitol
Hill Republicans would be pulling at their panty-wadded crotch areas
over this gay victory, but nooooooo. Beyond the Nebraska borders,
all we hear is the sound of crickets chirping. Sigh.
Yep, all Republicans have to do is keep aiming at liberal targets
and their pig-ignorant supporters are satisfied. Rationalizing a
lack of progress in their endless War On The Open Minded seems to
be the favorite pastime of Republican voters: gawd-approved Congressman
X can't possibly be expected to fulfill campaign promise Y if he's
constantly distracted by those gawd-less liberals spreading commie
pinko Bill & Hillary-lovin' lies all over the liberal media.
Cue those pesky liberal bloggers, who keep capitalizing their fancy
French words, like J'ACCUSE!
Republican Logic Lesson #1: Wait Till Your
Father Gets Home!
According to most (See how I use Bob Novak's crap qualifier?)
Republicans, Mom is either a replica of Eve or a - gasp - "Girlie
Man," both of which are defined as "distinctly inferior"
in The Republican White Power/Sacred Sperm Handbook (published by
The Republican White Power/Sacred Sperm Handbook Press, of course).
Pesky liberal blogger Resonance
cites right-wing shill Sarah Faith Schlissel of The Chalcedon Foundation,
who claims that women's "problems" begin when they refuse
to bow to the wisdom of their fathers:
Any man seeking to beg, borrow or steal a daughter's hand without
her father's endorsement is seeking to gain, in unlawful ways,
"property" not his own. Daughters are Daddy's girls
in the objective sense, and this particular daughter rejoices
in that truth. I am owned by my father. If someone is interested
in me, he should see him.
Not a real stretch from "Father Knows Best" attitude
to Republican voter, is it?
Safely outside June Cleaver's TV zipcode, Jay Allen at BloggingBaby,
posts some interesting facts about the woman in Virginia who's being
prosecuted for her child's alleged truancy:
Kim Cherry says that her son missed those days due to
a combination of factors, including mono and the death of his
dad. Neither the prosecutor's office nor the school system
seem to have made their reasoning for prosecution public.
Hmm. Sounds to me like "Our school loses funding every damned
day that this seriously ill/Dead Dad kid isn't sitting at a desk
when the bell rings" wouldn't go over very well with a judge
and jury. So what do they do? Prosecute the mother, of course. Easy
Liberal women and gays have been oppressed and persecuted so long
that taking yet another cheap shot is just too easy for Republican
officials to pass up. Here's the rationale: Every woman has jugs.
Every mother's jugs were once admired, groped, or coveted long before
they became free meals (for legitimately born infants) and Song
Of Solomon pillows for Ned Flanders husbands. Some of those jugs
were even - gasp - bared for movie cameras or Mardi Gras bead danglers.
Somewhere a Republican is
As for gays, Republicans know that "the gays" aren't
real people. They're not macho men or demure women because they
can't marry and reproduce. Since gays go forth but don't multiply
in a gawd-endorsed way, all gays must be whores. The result: women
and gays are whores, and who tantalizes real gawd-fearing men and
innocent children who can't help lusting after whores? Hollywood!
Therefore, all of Hollywood is eeeviiil! (Which is why Hollywood
But whores were merely the catalyst for right-wing attacks on Hollywood.
Today, card-carrying members of SCORCH, Save the Children Or Rot
in Church-inspired Hell (OK, I made that up) are actually editing
films for TV without the creative teams' permission. The
Sheedy Matrix rants:
They hacked Blazing Saddles to bloody ribbons even going so far
as to cut out most of the fart scene. Daft humor I agree but still
PART OF THE FREAKIN FILM. A scene important enough to the writers,
the director, and cast who acted in it for the expense to include
it in the film. Does the FCC think we need to be protected from
fart jokes... Well here is something for the networks and the
FCC to censor: FUCK OFF! We'll see if that turns to "FORGET
YOU!" when I post it... Here is a clue folks if you have
to cut a film up to show it on TV... DON'T! JUST FUGGIN' DON'T!
"But omnipotent one", you say, "think of the kiddies".
FUG THAT here is something to think of... parenting. Try that
one on for size.
Be sure to read the rest of SM's post, especially the frame-by-frame
description of editing Mel Gibson's The Patriot, where corn
syrup and red food coloring (stage blood) miraculously turn into
G-Rated mud. Censorship. It's what's for TV Dinner today, tomorrow,
and the day after... unless we all stand up and fight.
If Hollywood is the big bad Whore Of Babylon, then its bastard
child, Tee Vee, must be even worse. Radical Republicans have pitched
a hissy fit since Archie Bunker first plopped his liberal-evolving
ass down in that (Britcom-inspired) armchair. The result: more TV
single women, blacks, hispanics, and gays! Gays! Gays! And more
Gays! Did I mention gays?
Unfortunately, our Boob Tube victory comes with a price: corporate-owned
TV networks almost always find a way to turn an interesting concept
into a pandering-for-ad dollars, neatly packaged pile of crap...
watered down to appeal to demure housewives who brag about their
gay hairdressers. Everything
Skip posts the 411 on next year's new TV shows, which
"Crumbs," starring Fred Savage in a comedy about two
brothers, one gay and one straight, who run the family business...
"Emily's Reasons Why Not," a comedy starring Heather
Graham as a self-help author who can't take her own advice - If
she's not wearing rollerskates and nothing else, I'm not interested...
"American Crime," a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced drama
about a prosecutor who juggles work and a new baby - BORING...
"Don't Ask," a comedy about a dad (Spin City's Alan
Ruck) who tells his family he's gay - CAMERON from Ferris Bueller
as a gay dad? I'm so there....
Wait! There's more! While Republican macho (by definition and constantly
looped media talking points) men are busy promise-keeping, Mom,
by inference, is of course, just too damned stupid to control what
hairy-headed little Bible study scholars angels
are watching. SpeakSpeak
News sums it all up nicely in a post titled, "Right-Wing
Groups Critical of Groups That Criticize Them":
PTC (Parents Television Council) flack Melissa Caldwell goes
on to imply that parents are too stupid to figure out controls
already available to them: "It could take months for a parent
to figure out how to set the parental controls," Caldwell
said. And the article concludes with MIM's Peters finally saying
what the Right always implies, but will never state explicitly:
"Not every kid has a perfect parent. So society has to step
into the gap at some point." In other words, it takes
a politically motivated, censorship-happy, evangelical Christian
village to raise a child.
Republican Logic Lesson #2: Teachers Are No
Translation: the NEA always supports Democrats. Are you seeing
a pattern here, folks?
Kids are acting up in Kindergarten, they're bringing guns to white
suburban schools, and they're not doing so well on BushCo's standardized
tests from hell. Hmm. Must be the teacher's fault.
Republicans will do anything and say anything to destroy public
education (and teachers' unions) in this country. Have you ever
heard of the Education-Industrial Complex? Neither had I until I
Spot's post, exposing the radical right-wing Citizens
for Limited Taxation (I dare you not to make a dirty word from the
CLT is an anti-tax advocacy group in Massachusetts. Motto:
Every tax is a pay cut... A tax cut is a pay raise. My favorite
this week are the titles they chose for their updates. Hit
a pothole, thank a teacher is a fair and balanced look at
public pensions for teachers (Massachusetts public employees
don't pay into Social Security). It's filled with your usual
conservative-type language manipulations like...
"over half of that $1.2 BILLION extracted from
us taxpayers annually for public employees' platinum parachutes
-- $682 million of it every year -- goes directly just to "retired"
teachers, much of it to cover this newest scam." (emphasis
A reference to the "Education-Industrial Complex"
(I admit I laughed at that one).
"[R]apacious teachers unions"
Poor roadway maintenance inspired the author to suggest
'that we need a bumper-sticker of our own that reads: 'Hit a pothole,
thank a teacher!'
Let's face it. Making everyone's lives easier, more secure, and
rewarding is not the basis for the Republican Party platform. They
are the party of "Some of the right kind of people." So
why aren't they happy? They control all three branches of government.
They've bulldozed our national, state and local infrastructures,
and they've lined their pockets with our tax dollars, investments
(Enron), and retirement pensions (which are actually deferred salary,
This week, bloggers fought back Dick Cheney Big Time. Mr.
Power wonders why Rumsfeld is attacking Newsweek
when he should be apologizing for his own blunders, Granola
Gay has the best post on Frist vs. The Filibuster
I've read so far, and DU blogger crispini
explains Wes Clark's Virtual March to Stop Global Warming.
(Defying) Republican Logic Lesson #3: Whatever
You Do, Don't Be Happy!
Bloggers continued to fight for the right to laugh about crazy
Prime writes, "Unfortunately for the humans
of Houston, Texas, birds (grackles, specifically) have become dissatisfied
with their company and gone on the attack." This is no joke,
folks. Houston has been Hitchcocked big time. And the birds are
going after lawyers. Hmm. I suspect a Sugarland-grackle connection.
Rempelia Prime links to Extra
Strength Boredom Relief for the latest in scientific
grackle facts, where I also found this:
For "Sideways" lovers, Jujitsui
Generis celebrates the Supreme Court's recent ruling
with a case of out-of-state wine (could it be... Merlot?). Dvorak
Uncensored wants to know why Wal-Mart is opening
15 new stores in China: "Uh, ok. And what is the point of this?
Isn't this kind of like the Chinese coming over here to sell us
This week, I learned an extremely useful fact from DU blogger and
medical professional Heddi:
"RECTAL IS RED. Meaning, if someone wants to take your temp
orally, and they start to put a red thermometer in your mouth, politely
decline." Good to know. Heddi also taught me that sometimes
vaginas are... er, not always, um, the same. You'll have to read
Heddi's adventures in figuring out where to insert the catheter
Finally, I searched and searched this week for some of those dangerous
kid blogs I've heard so much about, but all I found was a zillion
charming blog posts, like the one at Keeping
Track Of Everything, about a kid's "Star Wars"
obsessed Social Studies teacher. Who says that diaries, virtual
or tangible, are sooo dangerous? Hmm. Could it be... fascist fundie
rightwing radicals, who want to suck the last bit of joy out of
(and control every waking moment of) their children's lives and
the lives of everyone else? I'll answer that question, myself: all
signs point to yes.
Definitive Democratic Logic Lesson: There Is
No Such Thing As Republican Logic
Blaming women, children, and minorities for your
in life is cheap and sleazy. Hey! Look in our eyes when you attack,
and stop aiming at our backs, you cowards. Take your radical Republican
agenda and shove it where the catheter doesn't shine! We're not
your easy targets anymore!
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