Hillary: First Lady, Senator, Lesbian?

June 29, 2005
By Jim David

A strange phenomenon in nature is occurring, akin to seas boiling and dogs talking: conservatives are rushing to the defense of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Yes, that Hillary, the Senator (D-NY), first lady from Hell, Queen Of The Damned.

Edward Klein's muckraking book, The Truth About Hillary: What She Knew, When She Knew It, and How Far She'll Go to Become President, is evidently so trashy that marching orders were issued from the head Republican Borg and zapped to the minions which said, in effect, "Guys, this book is too much bullshit for even us to defend. Do something we don't usually do: fact check."

Faced with the book's undeniable National Enquirer stench, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and others are claiming that the conservative movement had nothing to do it the book and does not support it, despite a huge push by every conservative media outlet before publication and a link to the book on many right wing websites.

The publisher is distancing itself from the book, saying, "factual accuracy does not mean unopinionated or unbiased. Mr. Klein's interpretation of what he reports is unabashedly his opinion." For a book with the word "Truth" in the title, this statement implies that the target audience is drooling morons.

Among the book's many stop-the-presses whoppers, it alleges that Hillary only recently began shaving her legs and armpits and has been "botoxed to the hilt," impeachable offenses indeed. One source from her Arkansas days said, "You should have seen her! No, you should have smelled her," despite the fact that everyone in Arkansas has stunk at some point.

With revelations like these, the book's biggest scoop may be that Bill Clinton is actually Chelsea's father, but with the implication that she was conceived by force; a source says that after a night of heavy drinking in Bermuda, Bill said, "I'm going back to my cottage to rape my wife." Apparently Klein has no sense of humor or has never heard the famous Roy Rogers/Dale Evans story where America's G-rated cowboy said, at the end of a day's filming, "Good, we're done. I'm gonna go home and fuck Dale."

But one of the book's spiciest claims is Hillary's supposed flirtation with lesbianism, featuring staggering evidence like "Hillary talked about it a lot, read lesbian literature, and embraced it as a revolutionary concept." Also, Hillary was very much a part of the "lesbian culture" in college. There is no first-hand account of any actual tango with Sappho, but she had lesbian friends and actually � gasp � discussed it, so if it walks like a dyke, and talks like a dyke... well? Where there's smoke, there's fur?

Even Sean Hannity defended Hillary against the lesbian rumors, the same Hannity who champions every right-wing talking point from Juanita Brodderick to the Swift Boat Vets. Bill O'Reilly won't have Klein on his show because of the book's "personal attacks," the same O'Reilly who personally attacks someone every night, especially during sweeps week.

And aren't these and other conservatives the ones who, during the 2000 primaries, helped spread the rumor that John McCain fathered an illegitimate black child? Aren't they the ones attacking gay visibility every chance they get?

Klein seems to think the mere whiff of that Arkansas smell of lesbianism is enough to derail Hillary's presidential future, which is typical. Conservatives attack gays whenever it suits them and then defend the privacy of Republican gays when someone questions their hypocrisy. The simple mention of someone like Mary Cheney causes them to shake like Katharine Hepburn on crystal meth.

Conservatives are fine with gays as long as they keep quiet, don't fight for their rights and don't "ram their lifestyle down people's throats," a frequent and unintentionally funny complaint when gays simply come out.

If Hillary did indeed experience hot girl-on-girl action at some point, I would hope she would proudly pant like Piper Laurie in Carrie, exclaiming, "Yes, yes, I did it, and I liked it, I liked it!!!" But she's probably rolling her eyes at yet another smear, and laughing at the never ending attempts to accuse any powerful woman of lesbianism. Conservatives are all for gay bashing, except when it backfires.

Jim David is a comedian and columnist for The Advocate and NY Blade.