Hillary: First Lady, Senator, Lesbian?
June 29, 2005
By Jim David
A strange phenomenon in nature is occurring, akin to seas boiling
and dogs talking: conservatives are rushing to the defense of Hillary
Rodham Clinton. Yes, that Hillary, the Senator (D-NY), first lady
from Hell, Queen Of The Damned.
Edward Klein's muckraking book, The Truth About Hillary: What
She Knew, When She Knew It, and How Far She'll Go to Become President,
is evidently so trashy that marching orders were issued from the
head Republican Borg and zapped to the minions which said, in effect,
"Guys, this book is too much bullshit for even us to defend.
Do something we don't usually do: fact check."
Faced with the book's undeniable National Enquirer stench,
Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and others are claiming that the conservative
movement had nothing to do it the book and does not support it,
despite a huge push by every conservative media outlet before publication
and a link to the book on many right wing websites.
The publisher is distancing itself from the book, saying, "factual
accuracy does not mean unopinionated or unbiased. Mr. Klein's interpretation
of what he reports is unabashedly his opinion." For a book with
the word "Truth" in the title, this statement implies
that the target audience is drooling morons.
Among the book's many stop-the-presses whoppers, it alleges that
Hillary only recently began shaving her legs and armpits and has
been "botoxed to the hilt," impeachable offenses indeed.
One source from her Arkansas days said, "You should have seen her!
No, you should have smelled her," despite the fact that everyone
in Arkansas has stunk at some point.
With revelations like these, the book's biggest scoop may be that
Bill Clinton is actually Chelsea's father, but with the implication
that she was conceived by force; a source says that after a night
of heavy drinking in Bermuda, Bill said, "I'm going back to my cottage
to rape my wife." Apparently Klein has no sense of humor or has
never heard the famous Roy Rogers/Dale Evans story where America's
G-rated cowboy said, at the end of a day's filming, "Good,
we're done. I'm gonna go home and fuck Dale."
But one of the book's spiciest claims is Hillary's supposed flirtation
with lesbianism, featuring staggering evidence like "Hillary
talked about it a lot, read lesbian literature, and embraced it
as a revolutionary concept." Also, Hillary was very much a part
of the "lesbian culture" in college. There is no first-hand
account of any actual tango with Sappho, but she had lesbian friends
and actually � gasp � discussed it, so if it walks like a
dyke, and talks like a dyke... well? Where there's smoke, there's
Even Sean Hannity defended Hillary against the lesbian rumors,
the same Hannity who champions every right-wing talking point from
Juanita Brodderick to the Swift Boat Vets. Bill O'Reilly won't have
Klein on his show because of the book's "personal attacks,"
the same O'Reilly who personally attacks someone every night, especially
during sweeps week.
And aren't these and other conservatives the ones who, during the
2000 primaries, helped spread the rumor that John McCain fathered
an illegitimate black child? Aren't they the ones attacking gay
visibility every chance they get?
Klein seems to think the mere whiff of that Arkansas smell of
lesbianism is enough to derail Hillary's presidential future, which
is typical. Conservatives attack gays whenever it suits them and
then defend the privacy of Republican gays when someone questions
their hypocrisy. The simple mention of someone like Mary Cheney
causes them to shake like Katharine Hepburn on crystal meth.
Conservatives are fine with gays as long as they keep quiet, don't
fight for their rights and don't "ram their lifestyle down
people's throats," a frequent and unintentionally funny complaint
when gays simply come out.
If Hillary did indeed experience hot girl-on-girl action at some
point, I would hope she would proudly pant like Piper Laurie in
Carrie, exclaiming, "Yes, yes, I did it, and I liked
it, I liked it!!!" But she's probably rolling her eyes
at yet another smear, and laughing at the never ending attempts
to accuse any powerful woman of lesbianism. Conservatives are all
for gay bashing, except when it backfires.
Jim David is a comedian and columnist for The Advocate and