Bush's Inaugural Address - After a Spritz of "B.S. Away!"

January 19, 2005
By Bernard Weiner, The Crisis Papers

During the past year, my Silicon Valley inventor-friend had twice demonstrated the efficacy of his amazing "B.S. Away!" spray*. He spritzed it on newspaper stories, television monitors, government press conferences - and, voila!, the inner truth emerged.

This week, he upped the ante, with a new, longer-acting version of the spray.

I can't reveal how he accomplished it or who the mole was in the Administration that made it happen, but somehow he gained access to the lecturn from which Bush will deliver his Inaugural Address. "B.S. Away!" was misted profusely on the lecturn, and on the teleprompters. This is what the nation will hear him say after he's sworn in for his second term...

My fellow Americans. I can't describe what I feel in my heart at your trust in giving me another term to serve as your president. This could be a turning point in American history: four more years to complete a radical conservative restructuring of American society, similar to how FDR moved America to the left in the '30s.

So, I thank you, the voters. But it wasn't just you; Karl Rove and Kenny Blackwell - and key corporate friends - had a lot to do with my standing here today.

You know the old saying about being able to fool all the people some of the time. That was our election strategy. Karl's a genius at working that game: even though most of the American people were ready to blame me for the disastrous war in Iraq and the sputtering economy, they voted for me anyway because we scared them into thinking the other guys were worse than we are.

We never let up on our buzzwords - gay marriage, 9/11, terrorists, abortion, evolution, gay marriage, Bill & Hillary, 9/11, Saddam, Swift Boat vets, gay marriage, 9/11; all we had to do was pound on those and our electoral base, led by my evangelical friends, came out to vote with a vengeance.

WE HAFF OUR VAYS

Of course, the other side mobilized big-time as well, but we had ways to minimize their influence, especially those voters not of the white persuasion: we purged thousands from key state voting rolls; made 'em stand for hours and hours in the cold and rain at precincts that had just a few machines (a lot of those voters gave up and headed off to work); intimidated them by saying we'd challenge their right to vote if they showed up, or told them that if they had any unpaid parking tickets they'd be arrested; or, my two favorites: our side handed out fliers telling them that the election was on Wednesday Nov. 3rd, and destroyed their new-voter registration forms so they were not on the precinct lists. Then they were denied Provisional Ballots. Way to go, Kenny!

I'm not even going to get into what we may or may not have happened when the votes were counted. Let's just say that there are ways that lead to happy results, even when your opponent is way ahead in the early exit polls.

In any event, I'm still here, and I didn't even have to count on my Supreme Court buds to install me into the White House this time. I'm legitimate now. Even got me a mandate. Well, yeah, the victory was razor thin - half of the country voted for the other guy - but it's a victory, and that's my mandate. I've got "political capital" to spend - love that phrase, Karl! - and, believe me, I'm going to spend it and flush those liberals and their programs and their party down the toilet.

By the time we finish with them, there will be no Opposition worth mentioning. I always said it would be easier to rule in a dictatorship. You vill now click heels, ja?

IT WORKED FOR THE IRAQ WAR, SO WHY NOT?

We're going to keep dismantling the Democrat social programs by slicing away at their sources of funds. We don't have to go out there and admit that we want to get rid of entitlement programs such as Social Security. We just start to "privatize" it so that it withers away on its own.

It's a win win win: Young workers believe they'll do much better by investing in the stock market (of course, we won't tell them that the market could precipitously decline at any point), which takes funds out of the system, so those old folks remaining will get less money somewhere down the road. Or, if the Democrats ever were to regain power, they'd have to be the ones to raise taxes to fully fund those benefits.

Either way, as those scaredy-cat senior citizens die off, Social Security will simply fade away. In the meantime, our Wall Street friends will make out like bandits at all the young-investor business coming their way, and they'll line our GOP coffers with steady donations. Win win win. Jeb'll love it.

Since fear helped convince the country to go to war in Iraq, we'll just keep pounding, with a few word changes, a similar drum with Social Security: "There's an imminent threat to the longterm health of Social Security, a CRISIS, we've got to do something now. Can't wait. We need to move NOW, before the mushroom cloud of insolvency destroys it. No more studies, no more independent inspectors, no more debate - get in line and vote NOW to start privatizing this system." That should do it.

In addition, we'll keep hammering away at the "greedy" trial lawyers, suing doctors and HMOs and other giant corporations for huge damage awards. We'll cap the amount they can get from juries, and our corporate insurance and corporate friends will express their gratitude to us appropriately.

This approach worked for our Medicare Drug-Discount program, where the pharmaceutical companies - which raised the price of their drugs, then offered a slight discount - are happy. But, unfortunately, the seniors saw through our scheme and aren't playing. We'll crank up the P.R. and somehow tie the discount program more tightly into their Medicare coverage. That should take care of 'em.

PACKING THE COURTS

We're going to continue crashing our battering ram through the doors of Congress until they OK the federal judges we want. Sure, the Democrat party kept our most extremist nominees from getting approved in earlier votes, but we'll just keep coming back at them until they holler uncle. And, if we have to, we'll eliminate the filibuster as a weapon and ram those nominations down their throats.

We're thinking long-range here: got to place enough of our ideological friends into the appeals courts all over the country, so they'll be in those lifetime jobs for decades and decades, even if somehow the Dems were to get back in charge. Eat your heart out, Teddy!

And we're solidifying our hold on power by getting Alberto Gonzales into Ashcroft's job. Sure, the liberals are crying foul; they can't attack me on the torture/dictatorship issues, so they're taking out their anger on poor Alberto, who was only following orders in writing those memos permitting us to torture the terrorist bad guys, and providing me legal cover to rule however I wish as "commander in chief" in "wartime."

The Dems are such wussies, they'll just make some noise about Gonzales and then vote to approve him - even though he never disavowed the original philosophy behind those memos! Then, they'll yowl later, as they did with Ashcroft, about how they made a mistake in voting to approve his nomination. Those guys never learn and so we walk all over them. It's so much fun watching them squirm, having no earthly idea how to fight us.

(Perfect example: In any other country, Rumsfeld would have been fired or resigned long ago. But the Dems just like to make noise with no follow-through. Of course, it helps to have the mass-media in our pocket.)

And then we're putting Mike Chertoff in place at Homeland Security. The Dems could have blackmailed Bernie Kerik twelve ways to Sunday he was so dirty, but Chertoff, who's a real hard-ass - he helped us put together the most controversial aspects of the Patriot Act, for example - will get confirmed because he doesn't have any sex scandals in his dossier. Is America great or what?

WE DON'T DO MISTAKES

Now we get to the bad news. Iraq is falling apart. I keep the spin spinning: that all is going well and the elections there will stabilize the situation. But everyone from generals to GOP leaders to the CIA to my dad's most prestigious advisors is telling me that Iraq is a thorough disaster and we'd better get out sooner rather than later.

But if I were to agree to that way of thinking, I'd be admitting that we've made major mistakes in our war-policy, and that we don't and won't do. Our aims are lofty and good, to bring democracy to Iraq and the general Middle East, so that America and our corporate friends can continue to control the region and keep all that oil and gas in the right hands, and to ensure that Israel exists as a firm ally against Islamic extremism.

Yeah, I can't avoid hearing the Democrat drumbeat that the way we and Israel behave and treat the ragheads increases terrorism against us. But, let's admit it, terrorism is what keeps us in power. We can manage those guys. The American people, properly frightened, are quite happy to let us continue to initiate these wars abroad, so that "we won't have to fight them in this country."

Abroad: torture, massive civilian deaths and casualties; at home: slicing away at the Constitution and our citizens' freedoms. Americans have come to accept that's just the price they have to pay to keep us all safe. I'm not about to tell them differently.

I'M A LAME DUCK - SO WHAT?

So, my fellow Americans, ask not what I can do for you; ask what you'd better do for me. God chose me, and the righteous among you know that. The rest of you are going to hell.

This is my lame-duck term, and I don't really care if half of you prefer someone else. I'm the one in charge. I'm revving up the engine of control and power. The New Deal and Great Society programs are going to feel the wrecking ball of our ideological wrath. Those opposing us in the world better get out of our way, or risk a great smiting.

I'm here, I'm dear, and I'm not going anywhere for four more years. Get used to it.

Thank you, and God bless America.

Bernard Weiner, playwright-poet and Ph.D. in government & international relations, has taught at various universities, was a writer/editor for the San Francisco Chronicle for 19 years, and is co-editor of The Crisis Papers.

* For more examples, see "B.S. Away!" - The Miracle Truth Spray," and "Up, Up and 'B.S. Away!'"