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WMD? They Can't Be Syria's...
July 3, 2004
Satire by a_random_joel

The following highly sensitive intercept was made on the eve of the Iraq War. Saddam, facing certain death or capture, decides to call his closest ally in a last ditch effort to hide the goods.

Saddam: Hello Bashar?

Bashar: Saddam, my brother, It is good to talk to you. Is this a secure line? Make it quick.

Saddam: Yes. I understand. Listen, Bashar, I need small favor. I need to hide a few things.

Bashar: Your wives and children? No prob, Saddam. This I can do for you.

Saddam: Uhhh. Not quite. You know that stuff the Americans think I have? Well, I do have a little bit left and I thought you could help me out.

Bashar: Are you kidding? Isn't that stuff like 14 years old? Saddam: Yeah but still, I don't need any more problems. I hear word that the Americans are on their way in any day now.

Bashar: But don't you want to hang on to it for that one last Hail Mary?

Saddam: Ahem... Hail Allah?

Bashar: Yeah, Yeah. Been watching too much American football on the satellite TV. Big Raiders fan. How about you?

Saddam: Oilers.

Bashar: I should've guessed. But Saddam, they're the Titans now.

Saddam: Those Infidels!

Bashar: Anyways, I had you pegged more as a Cowboys fan.

Saddam: BASHAR!

Bashar: Texans?

Saddam: Enough with the jokes Bashar. Can you help me?

Bashar: Listen Saddam. There is no need to hide it here. I have plenty of that stuff. We've been making it for years. Whatever you want. VX, Sarin, Viagara... Anything you need Saddam. We have tons of the stuff! Crazy Bashar stocks it deep so he can sell it cheap!

Saddam: Yes, but nothing beats home made, Bashar...

Bashar: Listen, Saddam. You are my brother. We will face down the infidel together. But there are too many risks for me right now. What about the satellites? The American planes? I've got more than enough stuff on hand for you, and I'll give you a 10% anti-crusader discount. But, the last thing I need right now is infidels marching on Damascus. I just got hooked up with the satellite, remember? It's gonna be a great season... the Raiders just picked up Sapp!

Saddam: Perhaps you are right, my friend. I never understood why they always come after me and not you. You actually have these weapons. You've been helping out Hezbollah for years. You have attacked other countries. You run a puppet government in Lebanon. Why me?

Bashar: Saddam... Perhaps it is because the only oil we have is olive oil.

Saddam: Yes, yes. Well, maybe you can help me out with one other thing then.

Bashar: Anything my brother.

Saddam: You know all those Saddam body doubles? Can you help me hide them?

Bashar: I thought that was a myth perpetuated by the American media to show you as a megalomaniac madman?

Saddam: Ha ha!You got me... Anyways I gotta run. I hear the air raid sirens. I'm gonna cruise by my old stomping grounds in Tikrit. I know a nice little hole in the wall...

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