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News Dispatch from 2032
June 11, 2004
Satire by Ian Watson

An abnormality in the sun's gravitational field Thursday resulted in a small portion of an American news program from the future to be received by several television sets in Ciudad Acuna, Mexico and Del Rio, Texas. The program appears to originate from the year 2032. The following is a transcript:

(Begin transmission)

FEMALE REPORTER (wearing bikini top): ... and it looks like a beautiful day for the Patriot Parade in San Antonio which is enjoyed by all who love America and freedom. Back to you, Todd.

(Cut to newsroom - two men behind news desk)

TODD: Thanks, Candi. (Turns to other man) Y'know I took the kids to last month's Patriot Parade in New York - it was a blast. Former Secretary of Domestic Information Bill O'Reilly gave a great speech. But anyway, Damon, I understand there's more trouble overseas.

DAMON: I'm afraid so, Todd. Gap Incorporated Information Officer Will Hardison told reporters today that if the new radical government in Burma continues to insist on what he called "extravagant and unnecessary labor regulations" for its citizens working in clothing manufacturing facilities, including those owned by The Gap, then Gap Security Forces - or "GSF" - would be forced to conduct a preemptive strike against the Burmese government to protect its workers from dangerous labor union propaganda.

TODD: Apparel corporation Tommy Hilfiger has voiced support for The Gap, even as a dispute lingers over the status of Hilfiger's trade agreements with China after the GSF instituted regime change in that country three years ago. Not only does The Gap fight for freedom around the world, Damon, but they also make great looking suits like the one I'm wearing.

DAMON: Shortly before his conviction on charges of illegal publishing and possessing child pornography on his computer, alternative news icon and known America-hater Barry Goodman suggested that the new Burmese government was formed through popular rebellion and should have the right to establish its own laws including those affecting worker protections. Goodman maintains his innocence on the pornography charge.

TODD: I'm sure he does, Damon (Both men laugh). In related news, Tommy Hilfiger's stock value surged after Hilfiger Foreign Relations and Acquisitions announced discussions of a possible merger with The Gap. This is only a tiny part of what many are calling the greatest stock market rally in history, which is assisted in no small part by the complete privatization of U.S. military operations last year, and the recent sale of naming rights for federal properties and institutions. The Smithsonian, CIA Headquarters, and Congress are all about to follow the Exxon/Mobil/Shell White House and the Visa Lincoln Memorial in receiving their new names .

DAMON: Excuse me, Todd, but I've got to interrupt you there. Exxon/Mobil/Shell White House Spokesman Harold Savage is about to make a statement on the situation developing with the EU and Operation Canadian Liberty.

(Cut to White House Press Briefing Room with White House Spokesman Harold Savage wearing a Nike baseball cap)

SAVAGE: Good Morning. Thank you all for attending this Exxon/Mobil/Shell White House briefing sponsored by CokePepsi, the choice of your generation and all others to follow. Enjoy Freedom Splash, the new beverage from CokePepsi - it makes ya feel great.

Now on to the issue at hand. The CIA has learned that factions within Canada are aggressively moving forward in negotiations with the Union of European Democratic Nations to ally themselves against U.S. interests. President Bush considers this a blatantly aggressive action against the United States and freedom-loving Canadians. We will not allow the evildoers of Europe to establish an alliance of terror on our northern border with illegal factions inside Canada.

The recent suicide attacks on WorldCom Military Forces protecting their interests in Toronto make it clear that Canada is now the central front of the War on Terror, which has been raging for the past thirty years. Al Qaeda and its allies now control whole nations in the Middle East and Southeast Asia, and nearly the entire continent of Africa. The president intends to stay the course as we always have. Progress is being made. Canadian children are back in school. We must show the world that the United States will not cut and run at this critical juncture. We will never surrender to the terrorists as many America-haters suggest - even those in our own country.

Questions ... Lisa.

REPORTER: Thank you. How does President Jenna Bush remain so strong and courageous in these times of change?

SAVAGE: That's a good question. President Bush has a very close relationship with God. She has allowed God to enter her heart and He gives her strength in this fight against evil.

Uh, yes, Mark.

REPORTER: Thank you, Mr. Savage. The New York Times has reported that Jamaica is seeking weapons of mass destruction. What does President Bush intend to do about this threat to our freedom and security?

SAVAGE: Secretary of Defense Schwarzenegger has been negotiating a contract with Halliburton Headquarters in the Iraqi Republic for military action against Jamaica. If Jamaica refuses to disarm, and continues to threaten its neighbors and the United States, President Bush will authorize Halliburton Strike Forces to remove the tyrannical Jamaican regime from power and bring freedom to its people.

Uh, yes, you there.

REPORTER: Thank you. I have two questions, please. One: After the U.S. government's case for invasion and regime change proved false in Iraq, Syria, Iran, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Cuba, Egypt, Turkey, and now Canada ... (Loud commotion - Unintelligible) ... Bush expect people to believe her case to invade Oregon and Jamaica? Why ... (Unintelligible)

(Random Shouting In Briefing Room) Do want our enemies to win? ... Why do you support terror? ... Get him out of here! ... Have you forgotten 9-11 and 2-25?

REPORTER: (Continues, shouting) ... two: Canada has the largest supply of fresh water in the world. Doesn't the privatization of Canadian water by U.S. corporations and the global water shortage have something to do with the war? How will these corporations profit from the war, Mr. Savage? Why are innocent Canadian citizens being slaught ... (Reporter is gagged and led away by security. The room applauds.)

SAVAGE: Quiet, please. I apologize for the intrusion. (Unintelligible) ... somehow been infiltrated ... (Unintelligible). Please, quiet. Thank you. As you all know, that was a blatant violation of the Support The Troops Amendment, which prohibits criticism of the United States Government and corporate military contractors in a time of war. Excuse me (Uniformed man speaking in Savage's ear). I apologize ladies and gentlemen, but Security is instructing me to end this press briefing. I'm afraid that's all the time we have. American Airlines is offering great rates for the holiday season. Support America - support American Airlines. Thank you.

(Savage leaves the podium)

(Cut back to newsroom, both men are laughing)

DAMON: What a character. Free speech! Free speech! (Laughing) Well, folks, that's live television for you. It's a good thing there weren't any reporters like that forty years ago or we would have lost the War on Terror before it began. He'll most likely be required to attend Freedom Education if found guilty. We'll take a short break for this important message. (Laughter)

(Cut to commercial)

(Camera panning over body of physically endowed young woman in lingerie)

VOICEOVER: Do you have acne? You're not alone. Many young people are laughed at every day because they're ugly like you. You can have the last laugh with ClearSkin Ultra. (Athletic man with clear, tan skin moves into camera view and begins disrobing woman). Imagine your life - with ClearSkin.

(Next Commercial - American flag waving)

VOICEOVER: Fighting for Freedom. Fighting Terror. Fighting Evil. (George W. Bush walking in flight suit) At the turn of the century, her father embarked on a crusade to change the world for our children. (Jenna Bush kneeling and hugging a child) Every president since, including her uncle Jeb Bush, has carried this torch of freedom. (Jeb Bush taking the presidential oath of office) Vote for Freedom. Vote for Good. (Jenna Bush in astronaut suit aboard spacecraft) Vote Bush '32. Paid for by the '32 Republican-Democratic Party Campaign and Archer Daniels Midland - changing the world for the better - one species at a time.

(Cut back to news program)

TODD: Welcome back to CNN/ABC/Fox/NBC/CBS/Time Warner Headline News Hour sponsored by Wal-Mart Corporation. Their employees are always smiling - and so are you - when you shop at Wal-Mart. How about that GM stock, Sandy?

(Cut to woman in halter top and miniskirt standing in front of stock market graphics)

SANDY: Look out, Todd! Here comes General Motors! Ever since GM finalized the transition to total prison labor, their stock has gone through the roof! GM Minister of Information Beverly Hays said GM is committed to giving prisoners an opportunity to learn the value of a hard day's work. Not only does GM save a bundle by paying prison wages, it's able to take advantage of the largest prison population in American history - nearly 50 million! Many prisoners are former GM employees that were laid off over the past few years and able to make a perfect transition into their new life.

GM has completely recovered from the slight dip in its stock value after a prison riot broke out last week that united guards and prisoners against GM Human Corrections Department upper management demanding healthcare and better wages.

TODD: I bet they wanted 11 months of vacation too, eh, Sandy? (All laugh)

SANDY: Hey, it sounds good to me! (All laugh)

TODD: Thanks, Sandy. In other news, Burger King is announcing its new 2-Pound Deep-Fried Chocolate Cheese-Dipped Quintuple Meat Deluxe Sandwich for its school cafeteria program to compete with McDonald's Mega Beef ...

(End of transmission)

Ian Watson is a working stiff and creator of

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