If You Can't Say Something Nice...
May 25, 2004
By Michael Haddock

In February Fortune magazine and Great Britain's Sunday Observer reported on what has been dubbed the Pentagon's climate change report. The report describes dramatic worldwide ecosystem changes that will occur over the next 20 years due to rapid climate change.

Among other disheartening items, the report predicts that by 2007 violent storms or flooding will smash coastal barriers, rendering low-lying coastal areas uninhabitable worldwide, and nuclear proliferation will occur with Japan, North and South Korea, Iran, Egypt, and Germany developing nuclear weapons capabilities.

The study suggests that the Bush administration must reverse its position on climate change immediately and consider it not simply a matter of scientific debate, but a concern of U.S. national security. President Bush quickly responded to this dire warning by proposing a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages.

Upon reading the articles, I thought to myself, "This is big. This is news that transcends the pettiness of greed and partisanship. Its repercussions will be immediate and resounding. How could they not be?"

After all, the source of the findings was not Rosie O'Donnell, Michael Moore, or any of those other brilliant practitioners of the modern dialectic whose brave dedication to liberal issues always ensures that none is ever taken seriously by anyone on the planet. Neither was the source some insignificant crackpot right-wing organization.

On the contrary, the source was a federally-funded crackpot institution whose traditional mandate has been to defend our nation by strategically blowing up other parts of the world. But here it was offering advice to the president, advice to help preserve the entire planet for future generations... that it may want to blow up later.

I knew the media pundits (both left and right) would never expose the president's indifference. Their job is to enrage, not inform. And since global climate change that might render parts of the planet uninhabitable can't easily be blamed on either Dick Cheney or affirmative action, I knew they would all take a pass.

But what about the American people? Despite the opinions of every other nation, township, and tribe on the planet, the Americans are a good people, a people much concerned with the welfare of... well... themselves, yet, nonetheless, a good people who help their neighbors, tithe to their churches, and - oh yeah - love their children.

In fact, since every social and political issue in this nation involves the welfare of "the children" - except, of course, education - and since kids usually don't respond well to uninhabitable low-lying coastal areas or nuclear fallout, I thought for sure the concerned parental contingent would make its voice heard. But I soon realized they were all too busy calling radio talk shows to voice their rage over the irreparable damage caused by Janet Jackson's right breast.

Therefore, in keeping with our national zeitgeist of misdirected rage and futile political gesticulation, I offer my own proposition: a Constitutional amendment that would make Ann Coulter the official spokesperson for the Republican Party.

At this point, you may be asking yourself: "Who is Ann Coulter, and why should I care?"

According to her biography found on townhall.com, Miss Coulter is a graduate of Cornell University and the University of Michigan Law School. She has worked as an attorney at the Center for Individual Rights, served as legal counsel to Sen. Spencer Abraham on the Senate Judiciary Committee, and completed a stint as an attorney at the U.S. Department of Justice. She also has practiced corporate law and clerked for the Eighth Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals.

In addition Coulter writes a weekly syndicated column, which appears locally in The Florida Times Union every Friday, and is the author of High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton and Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right.

Can't picture her? Well, this might help. In the overcrowded world of right-wing political punditry, she's the attractive one. On political debate television programs like Hannity & Colmes and The O'Reilly Factor she's the nubile young woman with long blonde hair and the subtly maniacal faux-smile etched on her face. Imagine a young Martha Stewart without the warmth, a young Gloria Steinem, but not human.

On television Miss Coulter also stands out among her counterparts because of an uncanny ability to suck the intelligence out of any subject. Once on Hannity and Colmes she valiantly defended Bush's environmental policies, by paraphrasing the Almighty: "God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it.'" (God was unavailable for comment.)

Coulter is even more vituperative in writing, where her words don't merely sting; they raze - as clearly displayed throughout Slander, a book in which she labels all liberals as either "traitors or idiots." In fact, Coulter's books and editorials are not so much essays as they are rhetorical pogroms waged against anyone politically left of Mussolini.

I suspect Coulter believes her job, like that of our current president, isn't "to nuance." However, I also suspect, that unlike with Bush, you can't actually use the word nuance in the same sentence as her name without committing a lexical atrocity, for Coulter is to nuance what the fire bombing of Dresden was to global diplomacy.

Quite simply, my proposed amendment stipulates that Coulter would be the official and only spokesperson for the GOP, its face. Her youthful presence and physical attributes would act as cosmetic surgery for a party usually associated with old rich white guys.

For politically apathetic Americans the entertainment value of her invective might draw their attention. Her witticisms involving the imprisonment of Democrats for treason or the conversion of all Islamic nations to Christianity might actually precipitate action on the part of the uninitiated. Of course, this action might be committing violent acts of hatred, or worse, buying her books, but at least finally they would be participating in the political process.

For the swing voters (or as she refers to them, "idiot voters") Coulter could serve as a beacon that lures them close enough to witness the hateful, Manichean dogma disguised as political discourse by the think-tank symposia neocons and corporate moles that have hijacked the GOP.

That, I confess, would be my true hope. That all Americans would actually listen to her words and realize they are not simply the spawn of a single vile polemist, but rather one small element of a political mindset, a mindset that prefers victory over virtue.

So how do we humans combat the evil that is Ann Coulter?

Do we rail against her rhetoric, systematically dissect her fallacious arguments, and reveal that her greatest talent lies in deflecting the burden of proof onto anyone who might dare disagree with her wisdom? You don't believe all liberals are treasonous? Well, prove it. You don't think J. Edgar Hoover was one of the greatest American heroes of the 20th Century? Well, prove you're not a traitor.

Do we impugn her intellect and suggest that even when judged by the remedial standards of her own polemic world (a world dominated by the likes of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh) she's sophomoric... a reptile among troglodytes?

Do we could simply remind our right-wing comrades of America's true libertarian tradition, a tradition that owes more to Locke, Montesquieu, and Rousseau than to Hobbes or Machiavelli, and suggest that Miss Coulter is, in fact, a traitor to the fundamental ideals of our nation, a nation liberal to its very core?

I suppose we could do all of this and more. But I fear the effort would be like convincing the deranged homeless man on the subway that the aluminum foil hat he's wearing will not, in fact, protect him from the deadly Martian mind rays. The effort would be futile, the audience unreceptive.

Also, why exert so much energy when the words from her weekly column do all the work for us?

Coulter on the New York Times

I am prepared - just this once - to name a traitor: Pinch Sulzberger, publisher of the New York Times. 9/18/03

This from a paper that has become America's leading spokesman for the deposed Baathist regime in Iraq. 8/28/03

Coulter on Higher Learning

The nation's colleges and universities have become a Safe Streets program for traitors and lunatics. 6/11/03

Coulter on the Democratic Party

After last week's drubbing in the midterm elections, the Abortion Party (formerly known as the Democratic Party) is looking for direction. 11/14/02

Now that the Bush tax cuts have already started to kick in and boost the economy, it was beginning to look as if the Treason Lobby would have nothing to run on. 11/20/03

The Democratic Party has got to go away. 1/14/03

Coulter on Liberals

The only people whom liberals absolutely refuse to hold accountable for anything are their friends, the Islamofascists. 8/28/03

The myth of "McCarthyism" is the greatest Orwellian fraud of our times. Liberals are fanatical liars, then as now. 6/26/03

Liberals don't care about the environment. The core of environmentalism is a hatred for mankind. 5/29/03

Coulter on Bill Clinton

Clinton also lied every time he said "God bless America," though he doesn't believe in God or America... 7/24/03

Coulter Bill Clinton's Fat Oleaginous Face

When Clinton first showed his fat oleaginous mug to the nation... 6/26/03

Coulter on Traitors

And liberals will continue unabashedly invoking a lie in order to shield their ongoing traitorous behavior. 6/26/03

...Conservatives have not yet persuaded liberals to give up on socialism and treason... 3/13/03

Coulter on Religion

Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity (as opposed to other religions whose tenets are more along the lines of "kill everyone who doesn't smell bad and doesn't answer to the name Mohammed.") 3/4/04

The only Democrats who go to church regularly are the ones who plan to run for president someday and are preparing in advance to fake a belief in God. 1/8/04

Coulter on Muslims

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. 9/14/01

Muslims feel humiliated now? We'll show them humiliated. 6/7/02

Coulter on Muslims and Liberals

Inasmuch as liberals are demanding that Americans ritualistically proclaim, "Islam is a religion of peace," Muslims might do their part by not killing people all the time. 11/28/02

Coulter on Muslims, the French, and Liberals Who Love Them Both

Liberals have finally found a people even more worthy of their admiration than the adulterous French: synagogue-burning, genital-mutilating, terrorist-cheering Muslims. 5/3/02

Coulter on Feminism, Liberals, and Silverware

Liberals persist in thinking about feminism and "women's issues" as if they have something to do with women's interests, rather than the exclusive and rather sigle-minded obsession with sticking forks in babies heads. 8/17/00

Coulter on the Democrats, Terrorists, and Non-Sequiturs

Instead of longing to crush and humiliate the enemy, they believe true patriotism consists of redoubled efforts to expand the welfare state. 6/7/02

Coulter on the Spanish

Instead of vowing to fight the people who killed their fellow citizens, the Spanish decided to vote with al-Qaida on the war. 3/18/04

Coulter on the Mexicans and the Fine Individuals Who Protect Our Borders

Angry primitives are relentlessly staging raids on our border, which is defended by a hapless bunch of incompetents at the Immigration and Naturalization Service. 1/16/03

Coulter on Compassion and Howard Dean's Brother

.Charlie Dean went to Indochina in 1974 to witness the ravages of the war he had opposed. Not long after he arrived, the apparently ungrateful communists captured and killed him. Hey fellas! I'm on your s-- CLUNK! 11/20/03

Coulter on Hateful Ideas

Liberals always hate freedom and want to jam their hateful ideas down the entire nation's throat. 10/16/00