Makes Earth Day Appearance
Satire by David Albrecht
- In a departure from years past, President George W. Bush
celebrated Earth Day this year by appearing before a Houston
audience of oil and oil-services business leaders at a campaign
Instead of the conciliatory and conservation-minded approach
he favored during his first three Earth Day appearances, Bush
wowed the loyal Texas crowd with his no-holds-barred statements
on environmental and energy policy.
Boos And Shouts
"Screw the Sierra Club!" said the president to roaring applause,
"they're not going to vote for me anyway. And I'm not going
to be the first president to tell people they can't drive
whatever car they want. Is that what you want?" he asked the
crowd, eliciting a chorus of boos and shouts of "No!"
"Fuck the planet," the president added, "it doesn't vote
President Bush used the occasion to unveil a number of new
environmental and regulatory initiatives.
One is the "No Source Review", which, the president noted,
"means just what it says. No source will be reviewed, and
if the American people don't like the quality of the air they
breathe, they can bite me. Or maybe, just maybe, they can
hold their breath. And if they turn blue in the process, tough
Another likely magnet for controversy during the upcoming
election cycle was the president's proposed "Clean Enough
Water Act", which will in his words, "ensure that Americans'
water is clean enough."
A special task force, with members from the Competitive Enterprise
Institute, the Frontiers of Freedom Foundation and the libertarian
Cato Institute, is now working on a water pollution credit
Under the proposal, municipalities with dirty water can buy
exemptions from less-polluted water districts with water credits
Malcolm Wallop, former US Senator from Wyoming and Chairman
of Frontiers of Freedom noted that, "if your water isn't clean
enough, I have one little word for you - Dasani."
Do Whatever You Want
A smiling Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) stood alongside Bush as
the president announced the "Do Whatever You Want Energy Independence
This revamped version of the currently stalled energy plan
would allow coal, oil and gas companies to, in Bush's words,
"do whatever they want. Our vital energy sector must never
be hampered by lack of opportunity - or by lack of subsidies.
This new plan will provide courageous energy entrepreneurs
the level of subsidies they need to keep dividend checks flowing
as they drive marginal wells into played-out fields, and secure
America's energy future in the process."
Senator Inhofe said that he was "delighted" with the $135
billion five-year subsidy plan. "It's great news for our energy
sector and for America. And if the sushi-sucking Chicken Littles
of the greenie-weenie environmental left don't like it, fuck
Bush Twins' Hummers
President Bush will continue his new approach to environmental
issues this week as he announces the addition of a Pacific
redwood deck to his home in Crawford, Texas, an upcoming lion
hunting trip to Kenya, and the purchase of Hummer H2s for
daughters Barbara and Jenna.