United States to be Exported
April 17, 2004
Satire by Art Howard

Following years of American employers exporting jobs overseas, the Bush administration announced today that all 50 of the United States will be auctioned and shippped abroad under a new international trade policy.

"This new program will benefit the American consumer by providing cheaper goods and services while adding value for corporate shareholders," said Gregory Mankiw, the president's chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers.

Under the policy, each state will be up for auction to corporations. The highest-bidding corporations will then move these states and their citizens to countries they believe are more economically-efficient to do business in.

The residents will work under the labor laws of their host countries while retaining American citizenship. Financial analysts speculate manufacturing states like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Michigan will move to China or Taiwan, while tech-heavy states such as California and Texas will go to India.

Middle and upper managers will be moved to any of a number of small islands with no corporate tax laws. When all 50 states are gone the resultant gap will be filled by Mexico.

In a speech from the White House lawn, President Bush stated, "Business owners seek friendly environments for their companies, free of restrictive environmental regulation and overbearing worker's rights laws. Citizens are angry to see their jobs being moved to foreign nations. Illegal immigrants are flooding our borders looking for freedom. Exporting our states and filling this space with Mexico should be a satisfactory resolution for everyone. This is a day of celebration."

He added that the plan also benefits the war on terror, since "evil-doers will no longer have a concentrated target."

When asked how Americans are supposed to buy the products they produce when they may earn only a dollar an hour in their new work locales, the President abruptly called an end to the press conference.

"This is dumb as fuck," said former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont governor Howard Dean. Reports of Dean's latest gaffe hit the major news services seconds later.

The move is seen as savvy by political pundits, as it aims to silence those who have been critical of the president's policies regarding outsourcing and amnesty for illegal aliens.

"It makes perfect sense," says economic adviser Mankiw. "Corporations can operate in Third World countries while maintaining the consumer goodwill that comes with being an American company. Workers can keep their jobs. And with Mexico bordering Canada, we'll lose our illegal alien problem," he enthuses.

"This policy will give Americans the opportunity to be active participants in the exportation of their jobs and to learn about other cultures, too."

You can reach Art Howard at [email protected]