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Bush Signs Unborn Victims of Securities Fraud Act
April 3, 2004
Satire by David Albrecht

WASHINGTON — Surrounded by Wall Street brokers, anti-abortion activists and SEC attorneys, President Bush today signed into law a measure, popularly known as "Madison's Law", making corporate crimes affecting the unborn federal offenses.

"Today, we stand before America, proud of the measures now in place to protect innocent lives from the effects of fraud and deceit in the securities markets," said the president from the Rose Garden in a nationally televised address. "We only wish that we had taken these steps in time to save little Madison Gardner from the consequences of bad advice and inappropriate asset allocation."

Madison Gardner, age 6, shared the stage with the president and her mother, Nancy Gardner of Newport, Connecticut. Mrs. Gardner, an outsourcing consultant and tax attorney for Stanley Works, was emotional as she spoke with reporters. "We had such high hopes for Madison - we thought Brown or Cornell or maybe even Harvard, since my husband's a very active alum. But now, who knows? With the college fund gone, the best we can hope for is some state university," she stated before bursting into tears.

Greg Foster, Mrs. Gardner's attorney, explained that bad advice from a broker led her to invest Madison's education IRA in Enron, a wide range of Internet companies, penny stocks and Costa Rican soybean futures during the ebullient bull market of 1998, which coincided with her pregnancy. "Now, any chance Nancy and little Madison have for a normal life is gone," explained Foster. "The broker who did this did no time, but we're confident that things in the future will be different."

"Yeah, they better be," added Madison, "public schools suck!"

Senator Bill Frist, a co-sponsor of the bill, expressed optimism that upcoming fetal-protection laws would fare well in Congress. "We're looking at a number of proposals, all of which we believe will assist in promoting a culture of life in America." These include the Unborn Victims of Final Four Betting Pool Losses Act, the Unborn Victims of Disappointing Oscar Night Musical Routines Act and the Unborn Victims of Fast-Food Hamburgers That Don't Look Nearly As Delicious In Real Life As They Do On TV Act. "Passage of some of these measures may be rocky, but we know that President Bush stands ready to sign each and every one of them," Senator Frist added.

The Rose Garden ceremony capped a busy day of regulatory and legislative activity for the president. At earlier, unpublicized sessions, he finalized plans to remove mercury emission requirements for coal-burning power plants in favor of voluntary compliance, announced repeal of Clean Water Act provisions for coal mining companies, and finalized budget proposals that would replace USDA powers of inspection in meat processing plants with what the OMB described as "market-based solutions."

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