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Being John Kerry
March 24, 2004
By Scott C. Smith

The "pioneering" Internet "journalist" Matt Drudge seems to have a sacred mission in life: report something negative about John Kerry every day, no matter how inconsequential.

Drudge started his anti-Kerry campaign on Jan. 27, with an "exclusive" shocker: John Kerry might have taken Botox to clear up wrinkles! On his web site, Drudge showed a picture of Kerry from 2003 and then with a photo taken Jan. 2004. The world collectively held their breath as they prepared for John Kerry's response, which was a denial. And, in fact, when John Kerry appeared on television, those same wrinkles from 2003 were present. It was as if Drudge had made the whole thing up or, as some journalists say, he pulled it out of his ass.

Not to let things like facts get in his way, Drudge's next slam-dunk was on Feb. 12: a report that Kerry might have had a mistress! Yikes! No one in Washington ever has affairs. Right, Newt Gingrich? Kerry appeared on the Don Imus show Feb. 13 where he denied the charges, and the story died a quick death, despite claims by Drudge that several major news outlets were conducting an investigation into the allegations. Which, frankly, is a good use for the media. We can't have them wasting their time on silly issues, such as the leak of the name and occupation of a CIA operative to columnist Robert Novak. That's the kind of story you stash in the back of the paper, right behind the obituaries or horoscopes. News outlets need priorities in their reporting, right?

Matt Drudge is apparently a driven man, hiding in his secret laboratory as he scans newspapers from all over the world to find that Kerry exclusive. On March 7, he succeeded, with an item from the News Telegraph in London: Kerry attempted to defer his U.S. Navy enlistment a year so he could study in… get ready for it… France! Holy crap! Imagine that, John Kerry attempted to defer his enlistment by a year! Attempted is an important word for this story, because, as it turns out, Kerry's request was denied. That's right, we have a news story about someone attempting to do something and not being able to do so. I'm not sure how that counts as news. But, in the world according to Drudge, it is.

And, almost immediately, Drudge had yet another shocker to share with the world: John Kerry's official web site was "riddled" with… obscenities! Obscenities! What's this world coming to? Kerry is a menace to society, what with his not getting Botox, or being able to defer his enlistment to the Navy by a year, and now… this. His official campaign website, riddled with obscenities!

A search on Kerry's campaign web site with the bad words revealed FIVE hits! The "hits" were actually articles re-printed on Kerry's website, articles that had appeared in magazines like Rolling Stone and Men's Journal. Smart readers, though, immediately plugged those same bad words into Drudge's search engine and came up with a lot more instances of those swears than what was found at Kerry's site.

Why the media didn't run with this one remains a mystery to this day. How can Kerry be president if his website has some articles that contain the F-word?

Putting his world-famous journalistic nose to the grindstone, Drudge came up with the ultimate Kerry shocker, a story so horrific that… well, you can see for yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you!

The "story," reported yesterday, is an exclusive scoop: Kerry called the Secret Service agent assigned to him a (young children, divert your eyes!) a "son of a bitch!" You see - and this is just typical John Kerry - Kerry had been snowboarding in Idaho when the Secret Service agent bumped into Kerry, causing Kerry to stumble and fall. According to Drudge, a reporter asked Kerry about the spill: "I don't fall down, the son of a bitch knocked me over!"

Well, all I can say for John Kerry is, get out of the race! Now! The Drudge smear machine will stop at nothing to destroy the reputation of John Kerry. From what we know of Drudge, the following may very well likely be reported:

• Kerry forgetting to shave one day.

• Kerry calling a telemarketer that phones him a "son of a bitch"

• Kerry calling Karl Rove a "son of a bitch."

• Kerry calling a male puppy "a son of a bitch."

• Kerry is possibly grouchy in the morning.

Yes, it appears Matt Drudge really has the goods on John Kerry. Hey Matt, is that a Pulitzer Prize I see in your future? I think so!

About the author: Scott C. Smith is a freelance writer based out of Beaverton, Oregon. Scott writes for his web site, What's in Scott's Head, at In his spare time, Scott swears at his secret service agent.

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