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Guess Who's Coming To Dinner
November 20, 2003
By Sheila Samples

Hello? Is this really Queen Elizabeth? Well, thanks, Your Royal Highness, for taking my call. I know you're really really busy this week getting things all spruced up for our Dear Leader Himself, so I probably don't have to ask you to "guess who's coming to dinner," now, do I? Ha-ha-ha.

What? No, of course not. Just clearing my throat. I'm with you - there's nothing funny about a guy inviting himself to dinner and then showing up with his own chefs... and food tasters... and teams of drug-sniffing dogs... and - huh? Oh, yes, there's 250 of them too, all hungry - and all armed. Well, sure, they've got orders to shoot to kill anybody who gets too close to him. They're Secret Service agents. That's what they do. But, once they strip-search you or pat you down right good, and if you keep that security badge out in plain view, you don't have anything to worry about - as long as you don't make any sudden moves.

But one reason, Elizabeth - can I call you Elizabeth? - one reason I called, Your Highness, was to suggest that you might want to reconsider Himself's demand that you shut down London for a week. What if the underground railroad - what's that? Tubes? Really? They're called tubes? Well, what if those tubes just happened to be crammed with evil terrorists hurtling around under his feet? Think about it - the most powerful man in the world - an "accident" just waiting to happen. Hello...? Wow, sounds like we have the same throat problem...

What's that? You've never met Himself? Sure you have. No, it wasn't in London, unless you went to see "Cats" or went on a pub-crawling jaunt. Don't you remember that time in '92 when you were visiting Poppy and Bar, and there was this kinda cute, unbelievably crude guy who kept interrupting? Remember when he asked you if you had any black sheep in your family? Yeah! That's the one - the guy who tried to impress you with his "God Save The Queen" cowboy boots. You weren't? Well, with all due respect, Your Highness, you need to waltz across Texas a couple of times to know where this guy is coming from. You'd be impressed, I guar-own-damn-tee ya.

But anyway, I can see why you'd be a bit nervous about Blackhawks hovering over Buckingham while you're trying to sleep, but what if terrorists hurtled at Himself from the sky? What if - hurtle? Oh, sure, trust me, terrorists always hurtle. Don't you remember 9-11? Evil, cold-blooded killers who hate the freedom that Himself is delivering are not going to come knocking at the palace door and say, "We're here to get Himself, so turn him over..." You would? Really? Well, that's not a very nice thing to say.

I think you're making too much of all the heavy artillery that's headed your way. Himself likes to brag that he travels in a "bubble," and he brings his own armored motorcade to travel in. What if he came unarmed, and something happened to burst his bubble? Take my word for it - you don't want to even jiggle Himself's bubble. Think of it as a circus coming to town and, like they say down in Texas, just "lay" back and enjoy it. Think of the consequences. You don't want that guy carrying the nuclear "football" to heave a Hail Mary in your direction, do you? Wow - that would be the mother of all regime changes... hahaha... No, just the throat again. Really.

You're getting off easy. When Himself went to Africa earlier this year, he took everything he's bringing to your town, plus a couple of speed boats and some chainsaws to hack down trees so that devious, evildoing terrorists couldn't hide behind them. What? Of course, there's a dark, cold-blooded one lurking behind every American tree - that's why we burned all our trees last month. At least he's not bringing bulldozers to London to tear down homes and shops like he did in Abuja. Would I lie to you? Just ask the hundreds of Nigerian residents who had no prior warning, no chance to get their belongings out, and no choice but to look on in despair as their wooden shanties were ploughed down. Well, no, silly - they weren't terrorists, they were just in the way. Huh? No, I don't know for sure. Himself was on such a whirlwind tour, he may not have had time to zip through the area, but I can tell you one thing - if he did, he was met with clean and free vistas - and there's nothing that pleases him more.

But that was then, and this is now. Don't give that tank a second thought. It's only for show. If you'd only allowed it to be equipped with its own little "mini-gun," you wouldn't have to worry about closing off Whitehall or putting 14,000 troops on the ground to protect London from the malcontents and dead-enders who are determined to ruin Himself's fun. It's scarcely bigger than a pop-gun, but the folks who manufacture it say it can kill dozens of terrorists in one fell swoop. If you don't mind my asking, do your citizens not have anything better to do? Don't they have jobs either?

What if cold-blooded killer evildoers dress up like peace-loving protesters and - well, sure, Your Highness - we do play "what if" a lot in our country. That's why we're so safe, and so free. But, back to the protesters. They don't have anything to worry about. As you well know, Himself knows a lot about freedom. He modestly admits that he's just God's delivery boy when it comes to parcelling out freedom. He told Sir David Frost on PBS-BBC a couple of days ago, "freedom is not America's gift to the world or Great Britain's gift to the world. Freedom is the Almighty's gift to everybody who lives in the world."

Didn't see it? Well, I'll wager you would have been proud of Himself's message to the hordes that will angrily try to scale the palace walls this week. When Frost asked him what he would say to the protesters, Himself just shrugged, chuckled and, in his best "bring 'em on" voice, he said, "I'd say freedom is a beautiful thing, and I would tell the protesters -=- aren't you lucky to be in a country that encourages people to speak their mind?"

It's true. In America, Himself thinks people should be free to say anything they want to say, and he corrals them into vast "Freedom Zones" where they are free to do just that. And, he takes extra precautions to never get close to these teeming zones so that he won't infringe upon their rights.

Thank goodness Himself is bringing along the missus, who's as serious as he is about whipping terror and bringing freedom to peace-loving people. She says the battle is wrenching, and Himself's decision to rid the world of evil and send American and British troops to war was a wrenching one. I'm sure you heard her ITV interview with Sir Trevor McDonald last week, wherein she said the decision was "by far, the most difficult decision and it's a wrenching decision. To hear of the injuries and the deaths of American soldiers or any Allied soldiers," she said, "is wrenching."

What was that you said? Well excuse me, Your Highness, but I didn't know royalty even knew words like that. Mercy. You gave me a shock - a real Sam Kinison moment. Who's Kinison? Doesn't matter - just another fallen-from-grace preacher, gone but - in my neck of the woods - not forgotten. You're the only other human being on the planet who can duplicate that primal sound. You should try it out on Himself and the missus. Then they'll know wrenching, even gut-wrenching... hahaha

Anyway, Miz Laura - that's what they call her in Texas - says it's a "huge thrill" to have a sleep-over with you. The Queen. A Palace. It's like being engulfed in a fairytale - a wrenchingly beautiful fairytale. No, I'm serious. Even Himself admits it's gonna be "a really interesting and fun experience." He's really looking forward to it, and said last week, "I never dreamt when I was living in Midland, Texas, that I would be staying in Buckingham Palace."

Bet you never "dreamt" of it either, especially when you and Poppy were staring in horror at those Gawd-awful, God Save The Queen boots - eh, Scoob?

Which reminds me of the reason I called - how's the palace reconstruction coming along?

Hullo? Hullo? Liz - are you there? Hullo...?

Sheila Samples is an Oklahoma freelance writer, a former US Army Public Information Officer and Axis of Logic contributing editor.

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