Simi Valley Residents Detect Gigantic Clinton Penis in Forest Fire Smoke Cloud
November 1, 2003
Satire by David Albrecht

SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA, November 1, 2003 — Residents of this conservative Los Angeles suburb, already stunned after a week of devastating forest fires, are now trying to recover from yet another shock - a huge smoke cloud hanging high above the blaze that scorched their homes - an enormous, cylindrical cloud closely matching descriptions of the penis of former president Bill Clinton.

AM radio talk show phones have been ringing off the hook, and dozens of photographs of the vast, vaporous member surfaced on the Internet within hours of the sighting. The cloud, which was visible throughout the metro area on Monday evening, is the talk of Los Angeles and Orange County, and has provoked strong reactions throughout the region.

Paramedics were called to a Young Republicans meeting on the campus of Claremont-McKenna College Wednesday night. Although details remain unclear, apparently the group of some 25 students worked themselves into an emotional frenzy upon viewing pictures of the cloud.

Some gashed their own faces with their fingernails, while others threw themselves repeatedly against concrete-block walls until rendered unconscious by their injuries, none of which are considered life-threatening. "It was pretty weird," said Stan Jackson, a Claremont paramedic. "We were bandaging one guy's hands, and he caught sight of photograph of the fires on a coffee table. He just started screaming "Clinton! Clinton! Clinton!" at the top of his lungs. We ended up having to give him some Oxycontin just to calm him down."

Orange County authorities also took television evangelist Dr. Robert Schuller into what they termed "protective custody" Monday. Dozens of witnesses spotted Schuller, dressed only in sandals and gym shorts, frantically scattering fragments of an unknown substance around the edges of the parking lot of the famed Crystal Cathedral. Variously described as "manic" and "drooling", the minister had no comment for reporters at the time police arrived. He simply screamed "Eeeee!! Eeeee!!" in a piercing voice while pointing in the direction of the fire.

The fragments were later identified as pieces of communion wafers from within Schuller's church.

Most Simi Valley residents had no doubts as to the identity of the fiery phallus. "I read the Starr Report from cover to cover," said retired aerospace engineer Dave Eggert, "and I'll tell you what, that cloud fit the description to a T! It had that kind of bend that Paula Jones talked about - and look at this!" Pointing to a photograph of the cloud, Eggert pointed out an area at its base. "Look at that - where it sticks out," Eggert said, indicating a protruding segment at the base of the cloud. "If that's not a 'distinguishing physical characteristic,' I sure as hell don't know what is!"

Eggert, whose shake-shingle-roofed home, closely surrounded by dry eucalyptus trees and tall yucca plants, was located high in a canyon on a narrow cul-de-sac road, lost no time in blaming the former president for the loss of his house. "Controlled burning and brush clearance, my ass!" he stated. "With Clinton's penis behind these fires, you could put the whole LAFD (Los Angeles Fire Department) on the line and it wouldn't make a bit of difference."