Democratic Underground  

Beneath the Republidomes
August 29, 2003
Satire by Eddie Ruff

"Dad, what was life really like before the Republidomes?"

"Well, son, it was terrible. We had to live out in the open air, amongst the heathens and sinners. It was an awful existence, really."

"Are there still heathens and sinners alive out there, Dad?"

"Well, some say there are still a few Demodogs on San Francisco Island. Something about the fog shroud protecting them from the UV rays. But you can bet they're suffering without a dome. And of course they'll all be underwater in a few more years, anyway, when the ice caps finish melting. That's what they get for not believing in the Jesus-Flag."

"Dad, some kids at Privaschool say that there used to be something called Publischool. I just don't understand any of that!"

"Well, son, you kids shouldn't have to worry about any of that. The old days are gone forever. You see, we now have our wonderful new U.S. of A., and our terrific red white and blue flag, with Jesus on it, long may it wave, and thanks to the foresight of our great Republican leaders, government is out of our lives completely now. And we got rid of those awful Publischools, which were really really wicked and bad."

"What was so bad about them, Dad?"

"Well, son, there was a lot of bad stuff going on in those schools. You see, there were all kinds of different little boys and girls - not just little white Republikids like you and your sister. And those other colored Demodog kids were bad, bad, bad. They were into all kinds of crime and drugs. Not the nice drugs our wonderful Pharmastores provide us today - these were wicked bad drugs that didn't heal you, they just made you crazy. We're much better off today in our nice safe dome, with our nice safe Privaschools."

"Dad, tell me again, how did the Republicans finally win the culture wars? I never get tired of hearing the story!"

"Okay, okay! I'll tell you, son, I never get tired of telling it!

"Back around the turn of the century, the Demodogs had just about run the country into the ground. The hated Mr. C., the final Demodog president whose name we never say out loud anymore, had completely ruined everything. He and his wife were the most evil, despicable people ever to occupy the former White House, which of course we now know as the Gates Mansion in the D.C. Dome.

"Fortunately, our Great Hero George W. Bush, of the Bush Dynasty (2000-2032) saved the country, and put the ball in motion for the Great Domed Existence we all enjoy today.

"How he did it was ingenious. You see, he realized that what was holding back us Republicans was the insane Demodog programs. Horrible things like Social Security and Medicare. And of course all those awful Publischools. Can you believe it? They didn't even have Jesus on the flag back then. Thank the Lord for George W. Bush - he had a plan.

"What he did was, he put into effect the great Tax Cuts - you've seen the big Tax Cut Monument in Middome, right? You know, the sculpture next to the giant Ten Commandments statue? Well, this was the same way us Americans had beaten the heathen Indians in the 19th century - we killed off their entire food source, the buffalo, and they starved to death. In the same way, cutting the evil taxes took away the Demodogs' source of income for their evil programs, and we killed them all off too!"

"Dad, tell me my favorite part - you know, the voting machines!"

"Oh, yes - that was ingenious. Back then, corporations were just beginning to consolidate and run everything the way they do today, the way they're supposed to. And of course Diebold was just making ATMs. Well, the wonderful George W. Bush and his Republican friends got together and had Diebold make wonderful voting machines that caused Republicans to win every election everywhere! Slowly at first, so as not to arouse too much suspicion among the heathens, and then by 2012 of course we won every election after that. By then the Demodogs had no power anymore anyway, especially after Jeb Bush made sure every judge in the county was a Conservipublican, the way they're supposed to be, in 2010."

"Dad, it's hard to believe there could have ever even been a Demodog judge!"

"Yes, son, that's true! And of course their rulings were unspeakably evil. We're glad to be rid of them, praise the Republilord! You and your sister will never have to worry about abortion, homosexuals, minority rights, or even minorities period! Or - ugh - being poor. God is on our side, and we won the culture wars hands down. Along with every other war, after we finally just went ahead and nuked the rest of the world like we should have done in the first place."

"And Dad, one more time - tell me about how all the Demodogs finally died and went to hell where they belong!"

"Oh, son! That's why we named you Rush after our original Fair and Balanced newscaster - you always want to know!

"At first we merely drafted the young Demodog males to fight our never-ending wars overseas. This really knocked them down, population-wise, over the first couple of decades of this century. Of course, the available Demodog females were then forced to marry Republicans, and were forced into subservience and obedience, which is how all women belong - just like in the Bible!

"Later a lot of the Demodogs who were young, and able, and didn't want to go die for their country during the Barbara Bush administration, well, we just up and shot them where they stood in their meaningless protests. Which is what we should have done with all those dirty hippies back in the 1960s.

"As for the older Demodogs, and their little kids, with deregulation we were finally able to kill most of them off. You see, since we Republicans had all the money, we were able to shop in the fine meat shops, and eat well. Of course, Demodogs couldn't afford the good meat, especially after we got rid of that evil minimum wage, and with no FDA to muddle up the industry with all their bureaucratic red tape, well, heh heh, it seems millions of Demodogs died within a few years from eating tainted meat. Oops! And the Frankenfoods we fed the last bastions of poor food-stamp collectors finished those leaches off for good around the same time.

"Finally, none of the remaining Demodogs could afford to move into our gated communities, and then our Republidomes. They also couldn't afford to drive on our nice toll highways. They say there's still some Demodogs trapped in the massive traffic jams out there on the 405. ha! Serves 'em right for not loving our beloved Bush dynasty, and for not worshipping the Jesus-Flag.

"And of course, with being all out in the open like that, being the dirty criminals they are, the last lousy starving Demodogs finally killed and ate each other - the beasts. And of course with the atmosphere and water completely contaminated and the ozone stripped away and the rising tides of the oceans - well, you know the rest. We won the culture wars once and for all."

"I'm so glad to live in our Republidome, Dad. I love and worship our Jesus-flag, and I'm grateful for our 3 Consolidated Corporations that run everything. Boy, am I glad we're not Demodogs!"

"Me too, son, me too. what say we get in our nice gigantic GM-Ford-IBM-Shell-Mobil-Texaco-Dow-Disney-Beatrice-Philips-Ralston-Purina-Time-Warner-AOL SUV and drive over to Jenna Bush park and shoot some innocent animals, won't that be fun?"

"Let's go, Dad! I'll get my assault rifle!"

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