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Welcome to North Korea, Try the #5030, It's Delicious
July 26, 2003
By Jeremy B. Cairns

Hide your daughters, Rummy's at it again. And when Donald Rumsfeld is at it that also means hide your sons and anyone else you know of legal dying ageerexcuse me, military age. He has taken all of the good things that happened in the preemptive strike against Afghanistan and all of the positive things that happened during the preemptive strike against Iraq and made it into the ultimate provocative plan. It is called Plan #5030.

How this "brilliant" Plan #5030 works is that the U.S. does certain things to agitate the North Korean people and military, deplete their scarce resources, and create a situation where the people force Kim Jon Il to either step down or take action such as a full scale war. They do this by flying spy planes too close to N. Korea's fly zone so they have to dispatch airplanes and use jet fuel. The U.S. does large scale week-long military movements along the 38th parallel forcing the military into their bunkers depleting valuable food, water, and fuel.

There are other plans in existence, for example Plan #5026 (accuse North Korea of the same thing Kobe Bryant is accused of and then attack) or Plan #5027 (pray that God strips their heathenish country from the earth like a band-aid from skin). Plan #5028 was scrapped because of bad handwriting and Plan #5029 was accidentally left on the table at a Karaoke bar. All of these previous plans had one thing in common. They didn't take into account that the United States can't afford another expensive war in which diplomacy is thrown out the window and reconstruction is a laughable farce/corporate grab bag. But won't we all be happy when the familiar communists are once again the enemy. Anne Coulter sure will be.

Here we have another blatant reason why this administration shouldn't be in charge of the carousel at the county fair let alone the most powerful country in the world. The plan specifically is stated to be the culmination of the things that were learned from the last two conflicts the U.S. has been in. One, don't do the whole preemptive thing again, that was a PR nightmare on a global scale. Instead, provoke them into attacking first, call them evil (you know, Kim Jong Il = Hitler, blah, blah, blah) and then flatten them with the help of countries that actually matter such as Japan and South Korea. Two, keep the President from habitually stumbling over his tongue about things like "war" and "foreign issues" by taking aggressive actions that can be considered "of national security" and thus hush, hush. Spy planes and troop movements are always considered a given when it comes to the average American accepting a lack of knowledge. Most importantly is a third issue we learned. If it's not preemptive, the U.S. doesn't have to reconstruct the country. Leaving a smoldering wasteland of starvation, disease, and crime is a little more justifiable when the "evil" takes the first shot.

This asinine notion that the army of North Korea will rebel against Kim Jong Il is even more far-fetched than the Iraqi army overthrowing Saddam. Rightly or wrongly, the people in North Korea don't think that the United States is the great Savior, they blame the U.S. for making them starve, as did the Iraqi people in the early years of sanctions. The difference is that there are whole generations of people in North Korea being taught who the great evil is and it isn't South Korea.

So after we wrangle the cat into the corner what do you think the cat is going to do? Bite as hard as it can, of course - and that could have nuclear implications. Whose fault is it really? Well, ask yourself, whose fault was it that the Taliban became a problem? Whose fault was it that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction? These problems either relate directly or indirectly through Donald Rumsfeld. The current fiascos today in Afghanistan and Iraq are now directly related to the complete and utter incompetence of the Secretary of Defense. And now he thinks it's a good idea to "provoke" one of the most volatile nuclear powers in the world so that the administration won't have to go through dealing with the preemptive strike logistical nightmare and the diplomatic route, which is obviously this administration's weakest trait.

If this plan is implemented it will be a disaster not only because it is completely egotistical and agenda driven, but also the fact that it was the plan of a proven loser. The plan of a man that should not be in a level of authority merely because of his short sighted desire for personal power at the expense of the American people and the lives of their adult children. The mere fact that Plan #5030 even exists just goes to show that arrogance is this administration's modus operandi and as long as this administration is in power the wars will never stop.

Jeremy B. Cairns is a freelance comedy writer whose resume includes Comedy Central, ESPN, and MTV. He is also a political activist and a volunteer for the Democratic Party.


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