Democratic Underground  

A Message from the Prime Minister of "aUStralia"
January 18, 2003
By Ozzy Drongo

Most Americans don't know who I am. Crickey, even your President referred to me as "John Hunt". But it's worth it for the photo opportunities brought back to my country, that way pesky leftists could not say that I came back from father America empty handed as I have done on every other occasion. It was nice for those few Senators who sat through my sycophantic praise in your Senate, to snore below the levels of my whining voice. I've only made it onto the "Top Ten Conservative Idiots" once but that's not too bad when one considers the calibre of idiocy I measure up against. When your President speaks I echo his great words of wargasmic wisdom. My name is John Howard, the Prime Minister of Australia or as I'm also known by my subjects, "little Johnny".

With zombie-like loyalty I remain right behind your country in pursuing and punishing "Evil-doers". All I need from the US are words like "National Security" and without question I will leave my own country totally defenceless by deploying any number of my troops wherever I'm told to. We are sure America will come to our rescue should her bases here be threatened. Cultural cringing is nothing new in Australia, even now while so blatantly crawling to the US we still have the Queen of England as our "Head of State". We couldn't have less direction, autonomy or independence if we tried. We are like the small annoying kid that stands behind the school yard bully going "yeah!" as he beats someone half his size. We criticise and ignore the U.N. We even hypocritically demand U.N. compliance from other countries that America and therefore ourselves are pitted against.

But hooray, we were finally noticed recently. The "Bali bombing" has finally put us on the map. Mr. Bush missed another opportunity to garner support for bombing anywhere anytime by warning Americans in Bali of pending danger. Not so in Australia. We "failed to acknowledge" the US warnings and then held a government inquiry and declared ourselves innocent of any negligence. Our incompetence is so plausible and with the media in my pocket the whole issue blew over within a few sporting matches. My steadfast approval of any idea thrown up by the US government may well have made Australian citizens targets but with no media airplay of that opinion, criticism does not exist. Does this sound familiar to the American people? The fact that the bombing suspects smile and joke with the Indonesian authorities does not mean they will not be punished, If the Indonesian government says they will be, then that's good enough for me.

The race card has been paying off well of late. Years ago when I said "We do not hate Asians, we tolerate them" along with our white nuclear family standing in the front yard of their white picket fenced house campaign, people just pointed and said "Rascist". Now thanks to September 11, I can lock up "boat people" indefinitely in our U.N. condemned outback gulags and people think that is for their safety. Never mind the fact that the S11 hijackers walked through US customs virtually first class.

I use tactics to win elections that would make the GOP and Trent Lott proud. We told our gullible public that asylum seekers threw their children overboard into the ocean without life jackets for shark bait to gain entry into our country. Crazed conspiracy theorists suggested that our warship firing across their bow made them do it for fear of their lives. Bah! Another Government inquiry put that issue to rest after I won another election on the basis of that incident. The media here are just great too. I haven't been asked a pertinent question for years and my Liberal Party (in name only) has a policy of starving the Labor opposition of media coverage. Even bad coverage is better than allowing them a voice, like when my welfare minister was caught making up lies about all the millionaires rorting social security. Not that we are against corporate handouts…er, I mean tax incentives.

We haven't exactly been setting the world on fire like yourself, but we've been behind the US in every decision regarding your noble "War on Terror" yet internationally, we still barely rate a mention in the global media. It's always the "English and American coalition"! Even the Taliban fell about laughing when they heard Australia would commit forces to your "well defined and just rampage" through Afghanistan. Such is the fate of aUStraila, Uncle Sam's loyal deputy.

Internationally we are best known for our commitment to sport and guzzling beer. Our sportsmen are treated like gods in this country at the expense of the entire population and cannot be punished in a court of law, unofficially of course. No money for a new sports stadium? Bulldust, we'll just rip the guts out of our health and education budgets and voila! We have yet another half filled stadium that the morons who paid for it with their taxes, couldn't even afford to pay to get into it. You see it's just that easy to get elected here. Booming deficits, skyrocket inflation, a growing army of unemployed, academics and manufacturers leaving our shores in droves, a 10% Good and Services Tax (GST), suicide rates greater than Japan and government corruption with conflicts of interest galore, are just simply no match for encouraging the public's beer swilling, and watching football, cricket or rugby matches.

What are my credentials? I didn't even know the average wage of my working subjects when I was treasurer, I overestimated it at 33% and I resided over more bankruptcies in history at the time. My current treasurer holds that crown now. I abused working people for not buying SUV's because they cost the same amount as a family sedan, NOT! I removed taxes on luxury cars. I have encouraged fees for an education system that let's the rich coast through or cheat exams and keeps the poor virtually out of it altogether. Intel corporation spends more on research and development than the whole of this country. I will not apologise to our indigenous people but pretend that we are reconciled, if they didn't turn up to our 'Reconciliation Celebrations" that's their own problem.

Militarily, we in Australia buy any junk that America wants to offload. When our SAS guys do training exercises our blackhawk helicopters just crash into each other, great stuff if only we could get the enemy to stand under the wreckage. We also buy American missiles that do not fit our loud underwater targets called Collins class submarines. No problems that's just more taxpayers funds to flush down the toilet (after our usual slushfund grab…er, administration costs. Anyhow there's plenty more money where that came from because our public are so apathetic we aren't even sure if they're alive most of the time.

In the tradition of "It's not what you know, it's who you know", I have risen to the top to take the blame for the problems of all the institutions we have handed over to our corporate mates through "Privatisation". The only thing that really worries the Australian public thanks to my compliant media is taxes on beer and sport events going exclusively to pay TV. This is when you will see my cronies and I spring into action to defend the public's right to be ignorant drunks and brain dead sports junkies. Just remember that whether you want us or not, "America has no greater friend in it than that of Australia".

God bless America and it's 51st state, aUStraila.


Printer-friendly version
Tell a friend about this article Tell a friend about this article
Discuss this article
Democratic Underground Homepage