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Saddams UnderWar
December 6, 2002
By Mike McArdle

UN Inspectors find no weapons in Hussein drawer
By Alex Byrdman
New York Times

BAGHDAD, Iraq, Dec. 17, 2002 — The UN effort to disarm Saddam Hussein hit another snag today when UN weapons inspectors failed to find any weapons of mass destruction in Mr. Hussein’s underwear drawer. Chief weapons inspector Hans Blix announced today that the drawer had been searched thoroughly and was found to contain no weapons.

“We searched it twice and came up with nothing,” said Mr. Blix who also indicated to the assembled reporters that the Iraqi dictator is a “briefs” man.

Several delegations at the United Nations expressed relief at the news and suggested that the international tension may be easing. A member of the Canadian delegation in fact was inadvertently overheard telling friends that the results may “cool off that war-mongering blood thirsty retard” in an apparent reference to President Bush. The remark caused the Canadian government to refer all inquiries to its official all purpose Bush-insult apology which they recently posted on the government web-site.

Officials in the Bush administration, however, who had been increasing irritated in recent weeks over the failure to find any weapons were unequivocal in their denunciations of the results of the latest efforts.

“This is an outrage,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, “the fact that the inspectors found no weapons is a clear indication that the Iraqis are engaging in the same deception and obfuscation that we’ve become used to. Saddam Hussein is risking the most serious of consequences. The international community should see in this drawer the full extent of the threat we’re facing. We can’t let the Iraqi government think that it can get away with not having any weapons.”

Presidential advisor Richard Perle, who first urged war against Iraq in a term paper he wrote in high school, said that the weaponless drawer was highly incriminating and showed just how much danger Hussein poses to the West. “We should have gone in there years ago,” Perle fumed, ”I’m going back to my think tank today and I’m not going to think about anything but war - ugly, cruel, destructive war and what the American Enterprise Institute thinks about turns into policy. You mark my words. This thing isn’t over, not by a long shot. How dare they have no weapons?”

“We have a mandate from the UN to disarm Saddam Hussein and how can we do that if there aren’t any weapons,” said Assistant Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, “I can’t imagine that we need any more provocation or justification to go to war. As far as I’m concerned the undies were their last chance. The President’s been a patient man up to this point but it seems that it’s time for action.

President Bush, speaking at a Republican fund-raiser in San Diego, reiterated his administrations disappointment in the lack of weapons in the drawer. “Saddams clean underwear just shows the degree of the threat of destruction in his massive, er, weapon,” said the President, his syntax somewhat hampered by the failure of his teleprompter. “Saddam Hussein should know that the international community didn’t get into his underwear intending to come away empty-handed. I think we should look at this as a serious breach, uh, in the material. And we should all keep in mind that this is a man who was, er, uh, peopled by his own gas.”

When informed that the French and Russian ambassadors had told UN delegates that the lack of weapons were an indication that war may not be necessary Mr. Bush appeared to become angry, warning that the UN is supposed to keep the peace in the world and if they can’t go to war over the drawers lack of contents they “will suffer the same fate as the National League. They need to be able to see that what we found in this drawer is a cloud of smoking mushrooms.”

Blix pleaded for calm and asked that the international community give the inspections process a chance to work and said that the next target may well be Husseins medicine cabinet. “We’ve got toothpaste, floss and hundreds of Viagra bottles to go through. This kind of thing takes time,” he said.

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