Chambliss Finds Car Keys
November 20, 2002
By David Albrecht

SENATOR-ELECT CHAMBLISS (R-GA) THANKS JESUS FOR FINDING CAR KEYS: BUSH DECLARES NATIONAL WEEK OF FASTING, ATONEMENT AND THANKSGIVING

WASHINGTON, DC - In a dramatic press conference, a tearful Senator-elect Saxby Chambliss gave thanks to his savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, for personally intervening in his frantic search for missing car keys, helping him to make it to a dinner engagement "right on time".

Chambliss upset incumbent Democrat Max Cleland in the mid-term elections in a campaign which included attacks on his opponent's patriotism for not supporting President Bush's plans for the Department of Homeland Security. Cleland is a triple amputee from wounds received in combat in Vietnam and a former Secretary of Veterans' Affairs. Chambliss received an exemption from military service because of knee problems.

An avid jogger, Chambliss had just returned from a run and, after showering, was preparing for an evening of fine dining last Thursday. But the keys in question, a ring of some two dozen house and car keys, were missing from their accustomed spot in the walnut bowl on the kitchen table of his home. "I changed for dinner, grabbed my wallet off the edge of the bed, got my shoes on and headed for the front hall. But there were no keys," the U.S. Representative stated in hushed tones to assembled reporters. "I couldn't find them anywhere."

The next ten minutes were, in the Congressman's words, "hellish." Although Chambliss seemed to lose the thread of his narrative at several points during his impassioned presentation, what journalists heard described was, in essence, an increasingly frantic trip from room to room. In spite of his best efforts, according to Chambliss, and even with the speed of the search accelerating as time passed, the elusive keys remained out of sight. "I had the seat cushions back on the sofa and was on my knees crawling around by the dining room table,' said Chambliss, choking back tears. "And with dinner just 20 minutes away, I didn't know what I was going to do!"

It was then, he states, that divine intervention lent a hand in his quest for car-startability and domestic access. "It was like this voice came into my head, saying 'Where did you have them last?' so I began to retrace my steps," said Chambliss, his face suffused with a beatific glow. "I just said 'Yes, Lord, I'll retrace my steps - and there they were, in the pocket of my jogging shorts! It was the Lord Jesus Christ himself who guided my steps in key retrieval - there's just no doubt about it!" According to Chambliss, his "delightful" subsequent four-hour dinner, held in a private suite with lobbyists and campaign donors at the Willard Hotel, went without a hitch - all thanks to the visible intervention of God.

Proclaiming himself "deeply moved" by his colleague's "narrative of unflinching courage and abiding faith", President George W. Bush quickly announced that he would proclaim a National Week of Fasting, Atonement and Thanksgiving to celebrate the successful key location. According to White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, "Senator-elect Chambliss has shown us what it means to be a man of God. He's also shown us the courage that enabled the Republican Party to receive such a clear and unquestionable mandate in the late elections. The President, Mrs. Bush and I look forward to the participation of all - all - Americans in the upcoming week of sacrifice, reflection and rededication." Americans will be urged, Fleischer said, to hurl "vanities" such as pornographic VCR tapes, CDs by Eminem and Marilyn Manson, decks of playing cards, perfume, dice, fur coats, leotards, leg-warmers, expensive athletic shoes and scandalously revealing sequined harlequin costumes into bonfires which will soon blaze in front of most churches nationwide. Details on dates and times, he said, would soon be posted on the White House website.

Critics on Capitol Hill were relatively muted in their criticism of the proclamation. "I believe that some Americans are going to have misgivings on the way this administration has mixed religious and secular messages in this proclamation," said Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle. However, Daschle's statement was interrupted by the arrival of the House-Senate Joint Committee on Heresy. Its members forced Daschle to remove his shirt, in order to prove that he does not bear the mark of the Devil.

Although no satanic indicators were visible, Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX), Chairman of the investigative committee, stated loudly that the absence of clear evidence of Devil's sign could be even more damning than an unequivocal finding. In DeLay's words, "those who serve the Dark One most efficiently are those who serve him most secretly." Hill insiders have speculated whether charges of heresy are likely in Daschle's case, or whether he will serve the GOP's interests better in his current leadership role. Even Mr. DeLay, long known for his strict interpretation of witch-marks, stated during the interrupted conference that "Even I admit that sometimes the Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't." So far, at least, Daschle seems unlikely to join outgoing Judiciary Committee Chairman Pat Leahy (D-VT), who awaits trial in the holding cells of the Capitol basement.

Further testimonials of divine intervention are expected to be forthcoming from members of Congress in the weeks before the Christmas recess. These may include personal thanks to Jehovah, Lord of the Universe by retiring Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC) for administrative changes cutting funding to worldwide womens' health programs, a Testimonial to the Greatness of God for the Spill-Free insertion Of A Toner Cartridge In The RCCC Copy Machine by Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R-KS), and a Witnessing of the Intervention of The Divine Spirit of Our Free-Market God by Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) for a successful bowel movement, his first in several years. Presidential Proclamations of Fasting, Atonement and Thanksgiving and are expected in all three cases by the beginning of the next session of Congress in January.